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Holiday Frustration!
So I'm having an issue with my MIL...my DH and I have only been married since July, and naturally (as everyone here has to deal with!) with the holidays are rapidly approaching we are being pulled in every direction. My MIL "claimed" Christmas in like October, and I understand she wants to host it with her kids and her very charming new DIL (ahem, ahem), but my mother has had quite a traumatic year. In the past 12 months, my troublesome brother moved away, her beloved dog died, she lost her house, works a terrible job, her best friends moved away, I'm married and not spending as much time with her as I used to, and is all alone in this new tiny apartment, isolated. Now, I understand my MIL wants some Norman Rockwell Christmas, but I just cannot fathom allowing my mother to spend the holiday all by herself!! My DH and I told MIL that we are spending the morning together, and he has mentioned to her SEVERAL times that we would spend the rest of the day with her if she would invite my mother over for dinner. She rolls her eyes everytime-"thats not how my parents did it, everyone split the holidays"...which I understand, but my mom is going to be all alone otherwise!! I just think that's cruel. Any sage advice from my fellow married ladies?! I am ready to just tell my MIL that I'll spend the day with my mom alone!
Re: Holiday Frustration!
Spend Christmas w/ your mom. Simple.
The holidays aren't events that the person who "claims" them first gets them. You and DH now have 2 families you want to see. You need to work out between the two of you what works best for you - this year, and looking into the future.
Quite honestly, I think if you all say "Well, if you won't include her, then we'll have to see you another day. We'll be spending Christmas w/ her" (And this needs to come from your DH), you'll see a change in tune from your MIL.
She pulls the idiotic "thats not how my parents did it", all your DH says is "Well, this is how we're doing it. I'm not o.k. w/ leaving MIL alone for Christmas.".
This isn't her decision - that's really what you both need to realize. you don't need her permission. Do what works for you. Stand firm.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
ECB has a good point. Remember this is your holiday too and you can spend it however the both of you please. You two are more than just pawns for others to enjoy their holiday.
This isn't something where you need your MIL's permission. Tell her how it is going to be. Your mom comes along or you don't see her, end of discussion. Don't argue, don't give her details or reasons, just a simple " My mom is joining us or we can not make it."
FWIW, once my sister got married, my family started to celebrate Christmas Eve with her ILs. No, it isn't that same as when I was growing up, but hey we started a new tradition. Sometimes in life you have to roll with the punches.
DH is actually really good at standing up to his mother, which is nice. He's told her that we'll be more inclined to come if she invites my mother to come. Its just the attitude and eye rolling she gives-AHHHHH! Why are MIL's so difficult?!!!
Thank you for your advice, I will definitely be having a discussion with DH about this and nudging him a little bit about how we are going to deal with his mother. She is just very invasive and nosy and judgemental!!!
Thanks again!!
Just tell her "As you won't invite Jor's mom, we'll have to see you another day. We'll be spending X-mas w/ her mom.". And honestly, I think you should do that no matter what she says at this opint.
She may say "Fine, she can come" and she'll still have her attitude. I think your DH needs to say "No, sorry. Too late."
Saying "We'll be more inclined to come" tells her she has a say in this. She doesn't. And going now, after a begrudged invite, just tells her she can be nasty about it.
I would draw a clear line in the sand on this!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think that you should hold your ground! you only have one mother and she should come first to anyone of his family. I dont see how she cant invite your mother, maybe its money that she doesn't want to dish out.
I would tell her that you'll be hosting your own Christmas at your place, and your mom is coming. MIL is welcome if she wants.
I cannot BELIEVE this woman would not invite your mother to dinner, especially after the year she has had. I would boycott your MIL's day altogether, since she obviously doesn't understand the reason for the season....or whatever that saying is.
you could always see them both. if dinner is at MIL's...spend christmas morning with DH, maybe invite your mom over for breakfast, and then you can go see MIL.
we spend christmas day 4 places. it can be done.
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She's given you an answer, several times, eye rolls and all. She doesn't want to include your mother.
So make your plans. It's a big holiday with eves and a whole 24 hour rotation. Stop trying to make your MIL something she's not. Go spend your holiday as you wish, as best you can.
And FYI - I bet her parents, your DH's grandparents were pretty stressed-out, too. In what? - 1920? Geeze, just b/c these people saw fit to switch holidays 75 years ago has NO bearing on current circumstances. What an asshat.
Sorry to thread-jack, but I needed to address this:
Jess, you and your H need to stop trying so hard with your IL's. Have your H tell her that you can't make it for Xmas, sorry, and leave it at that. And when she starts saying the stuff about you being to blame, your H needs to tell her that he will not listen while she disrespects you, and then hang up/leave/walk away EVERY TIME it happens. The more you explain, the more they feel they have a say.
Maybe at some point you guys can host your own holidays and invite the IL's. They'll probably decline, but that's on them. Do what works for you and your H, no one else gets a vote.
Not to come to your MIL's defense, but some families are simply uncomfortable interacting with "the other family" or even just very private people. This may be the case, and you need to be respectful. You are a guest in your MIL's home and do not have the right to demand to bring a guest (no matter how good your intentions are). It is not unreasonable to tell her that you would like her permission to include your mother, but it is well within her right to decline. If her answer is no, then it is no.
Since it sounds like "no" is her answer, then it is up to you to choose how you are going to arrange your holiday. From the sounds of it you all live in the same area. It would not be unreasonanable or unfair of you to spend part of the day with your IL's and the rest of the day with your mother.
Unfortunately, the reality of it, is when you get married the holiday situation gets pretty sticky. This is something EVERY couple has to deal with, so welcome to the club. My suggestion is to establish your own type of rotation ahead of time so both families will know which holidays you will be spending with each (or any variation of this, such as splitting the day up), then stick with it.
Don't go burning bridges with family over something like this. So just try giving your MIL the benefit of the doubt that she isn't intentionally trying to ruin your Chirstmas. You can get the Christmas with your mom that you want and still attend your IL's as well.
We spend Christmas Day 4 places. it can be done.
This except it's three places and it's all my family.That's how it's been my entire life. When we finally get to spend Christmas Day with H's side I think it's just one place... they live in a different state so it'll always be one family or the other sadly.
Wow. MIL sounds like a heartless bittch. So what if it's not how her parents did it? My parents always treated Christmas as a time for caring and sharing and spending it with the ones you love and welcoming other family members in that don't have anyone else so they don't have to be alone on Christmas. I'm appalled.
I'd flat out tell her, my mom has nowhere to go. If it's that huge of a problem for you that she join us for dinner then I just won't be attending your party at all. Simple as that.
Thank you everyone for your advice!! I definitely have a lot of good comments here to work with! I think the best idea is to just split it all up...spend some time alone with DH in the morning, maybe do like a lunch or something with my mom, and then go over to MIL's when we are ready. My family has always been one to welcome everyone into our celebration, "real" family or not...so I guess its just hard for me to wrap my head around someone who just doesn't understand. I guess my thinking is that the holiday spirit extends to people who are lonely and sad...but I guess that's just me!
Thanks again for all the advice!! You ladies are awesome!