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Frustration with IL's...just need to vent.
Getting ready to spend some time with my IL's this weekend, and honestly not really looking forward to most of it. The reason being that I really kinda resent the ongoing situation.
To make a very long story short, they are on their way home from a very long vacation. Their route takes them just a few hours from where we live and they are unwilling to travel the few hours to see us (where we live is not beyond where their destination is, but is just a detour). Both on their way to their vacation and now returning from it they won't stop because of the "inconvienience". The only reason we will get to see them is by traveling several hours to meet them enroute back home.
The thing is they never come to see us, but always expect us to be the ones to travel. This is once again the situation. Even though they are retired, and have the time. My husband and I work, and have schedules that are very complicated to work around when it comes to extended time off (which is always the case when it comes to traveling to see family because both of our families live 8+ hours away).
I do realize that there are some unique circumstances with them (as they are raising their two small grandchildren). However, this has not stopped them from traveling with the children across the country, and leaving home from an extended amount of time (we're talking MONTHS). They always have some excuse why we are not the ones to recieve their attention, and why someone else is a higher priority.
It is just so frustrating! This is not the only time this has happened where they have been traveling and just a few hours from us, but do we see them? Nope. Do we invite them every time? Yes, and they never stop! Sorry, I realize this is turning into a rant, but as I said before, it is an ongoing thing.
If you read all of this, I thank you for your time and attention.
Re: Frustration with IL's...just need to vent.
The thing is they never come to see us, but always expect us to be the ones to travel. This is once again the situation.
Unless they are holding a gun to your head, you do realize you can say "no"? Which leads me to- where does your DH stand on this? Does he feel he has to go see them, or is he willing to say "no"?
Because, depending on your answer to that, this may be more of a DH problem than an IL problem. If HE doesn't want to say "no", that's your problem.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yes, we do realize that we can say "no". I never said that they were forcing us to come to see them, but simply that if we wanted to see them at all we had to be the ones to travel. They have made it clear that they will not come to see us because it is not convienient. That is the issue, not our inability to say "no". And to answer your question, DH does feel similarly frustrated that his parents never make the effort.
Some parents feel that their adult kids should visit them, not the other way around. Perhaps that is where your ILs stand as well. That wouldn't make them wrong, just different.
They would only be wrong if they refused to come visit you *and* gave you a hard time about not visiting them enough, but it doesn't sound like that is the case. So continue to visit them as often as you want to, and don't feel like you need to overextend yourselves.
O.k. then. Next question - you know you can say "no", but DO YOU? You're listing out to us the reasons why it's inconvienent, but you never actually tell us if you really say "no" to them. It sounds like you all suck it up and go anyhow.
past that, has DH ever tried talking to them? More than just inviting them, but actually explaining that he wishes they would come, he doesn't understand why they don't, etc?
I know my parents made certain decisions in regards to me based on ME and what they thought I would like or not like, but my perception made me see it differently.
For example, early on, DH and I spent a lot of holidays w/ his parents. Because we were invited. My parents never invited us. I felt weird about it. Why didn't they? Years later, I found out it was because they already heard me mention that the IL's asked us over so they didn't invite us because they didnt' want me to feel pressured.
They thought they were doing me a favor, and I thought they just didn't care if we saw them or not!
Two very different perceptions of the same situation. This is why I think it can't hurt for him to talk to them about this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I get it.
My DH has lived in CO, CA (3 different parts), Turks and Caicos and the Virgin Islands. My MIL has NEVER once visited him. We invite her all the time (even offering to pay) and yet she will not come. DH's siblings have come here, but it's only been once in the last 4 years. If we want to see his family we have to go to them. It's frustrating. We have to use a lot of our vacation time going to them (it's a 5 hour plane ride, so it's not something that is done overnight).
As frustrating has it is, we realize we have 2 choices. Going to them or not seeing them. DH loves them too much not to visit, so we go. But he (we) also does not let them make us feel guilty for only seeing them once (sometimes twice) a year. When MIL starts up about it being a year since we've seen them, we just remind her she could hop on a plane and come to us. That normally shuts her up for a while.
Good Luck, you are not alone.
It's funny that it's only a "few hours" for them to see you, but "several hours" for you to see them (I'm assuming the same route is being used).
I understand the rest of your rant about them never coming to see you, but I don't blame them in this situation. If I had a full day of driving just to get home from vacation, I really don't want to add another 2-3 hours in the car plus social time. I'm just ready to get home.
Thanks for all of your feed back. This really is not about a singular event, but simply just an example of a reoccurring issue.
To answer several questions (at least the ones I can remember)...
1) DH has not stood up to them on this issue and I do not feel it is my place. I want to reinforce that he and I share this frustration.
2) MY IL's have not said that it is our place to visit and for them to simply receive us when we travel. And we have often not only invited them, but expressed very clearly that we would enjoy and welcome a visit from them. It's not that they do not want to, but there are simply many excuses as to reasons it is not convenient for them.
3) I will again make it clear that it is not that I do not want to go, but just simply wish that they would make the effort to visit us some times (which they have only done once since we have been married....and we have been married over a year). And they do try to make us feel guilty about not traveling to see them (or even other family members for that matter). If they would return the effort I would feel differently about this entire situation. We travel when we can, but we have to travel to see my family as well. When you have to travel either 14 hours or 8 hours to see family on any given holiday or for family vacation. It is difficult to work around very different schedules in order to make this possible. As I said, both of his parents are retired, and have the time to visit, but they simply don't. Even with repeated invitations.
4) Another point I would like to clarify, is that I am giving reasons why it is not convenient for them. The extended amount of time DH and I need when traveling is required is not inconvenient, simply very difficult to schedule (which we are more than happy to do when it is possible).
5) I was using "few" and "several" interchangeably. It is either a 4hr drive for us to meet them plus the need to rent a hotel. Or a 3-4 hour drive out of the way for them with the option of staying over with us for a night for free.
6) Thank you to those who gave some encouragement and understanding.