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holiday momma drama
Ok. This may be a long one. Sorry, but i desperately need advice!
As I have posted before my husband and I are moving overseas shortly after the 1st of the year. We currently live out of state from our families. However, at the beginning of December we are moving out of apartment and heading to spend the month holidays with our families before catching our flight to our final destination. I am a very routine, structured, and introverted kind of person so moving away from our home and all the way to a different country is quite the uprooting for me. Not to mention the month of in-between time while we are displaced from our home before leaving. This brings me to the issue. Whos family are we going to stay with.
Let me preface this by
telling you first...I love my husbands family to death but my MIL is
absolutely crazy. She has done things that have hurt me incredibly much,
questioned my character publicly, screwed my husband and I on our
taxes, and these things are just a few without going into any detail.
She is constantly trying to control my husband through guilt and other
forms of manipulation. I also love my husbands two little sisters [who
actually aren't that little, 14 and 11], but when we are around his
mother lets the younger one hang all over us [which is fine to an
extent] but when she are banging on your door at 6 am, literally trying
to drag you somewhere in the middle of a conversation, etc. and my MIL
is saying nothing, it can certainly be quite the drain. Whenever we
spend time at his family's house [which most of the time I enjoy doing
in small doses] I leave completely drained. Not only does his mother not
like me, but she makes the simplest things, like eating a meal
together, extremely awkward. For instance, she will sit on one side of
my husband when I am sitting on the other and then talk exclusively to
him for the whole conversation, while grabbing on to his arm, stroking
his face, and putting her arm around him, etc. When my husband and I fight, it is most often about his mother or something she did.
My husband and I completing our senior year of college this semester before moving and are extremely busy and hardly get to see each other much between working, full time schooling, and both of us are intercollegiate athletes [which requires a lot of traveling between the both of us]. I was hoping our holiday break would be a nice time to relax for both of us and spend some time working on our marriage before we jump into the high stress situation of moving a few thousand miles away.
Keeping in mind that my family and his family live only 15-20 minutes apart.
My
husband wants to stay with his family while we are in town, for part of
the time. However, considering the above circumstances I do not think
this would be the most healthy for me personally or for our marriage.
However, my husband thinks otherwise. His family lives on a few acres of
land perched precariously on the side of a small mountain. His family
recently bought this new house, which is smaller than our 2 bedroom
apartment, and thus have no room for us to stay with them in the house.
So we either have to stay in the garage with space heater, or in his
parents camper (which would be ok, but they cant hook up the plumbing so
we will have to go through the freezing cold inside to take showers and
go to the bathroom.) His parents driveway is a half mile long
practically straight up and down, its so steep I refuse to drive it even
in optimal conditions, like in the summer. So needless to say it there
is even a tiny bit of ice, there will be no getting in or out if it
snows or ices [which we live in the midwest, so this is inevitable.] My husband has said that if it is supposed to get bad [the weather that is] we can pack up and head to my parents for the night, but 1. the weather man is never particularly accurate and 2. thats too much moving around. My husband and his father also have a close relationship and will often be gone together doing 'manly' things, i guess. Leaving me alone with his mother, who often, also uses me as free babysitting without notice and inconveniently.
I really want this to be a special Christmas, because it is our first being married. Also we will be celebrating our 1 year anniversary during the holidays. I was looking forward to having our own space to decorate our Christmas tree, put up lights etc.
My parents, however, are in a totally different situation. I am the youngest in my family and my old siblings are all married and have moved out. My parents also both work during the days. My parents have a large house and have offered up the upstairs to ourselves. Which will make for more privacy and intimacy, which we would not get at my husbands parents. They have agreed, and since they have the space, to put up our own tree and decorate as our own little family. Not to mention we will have plenty of room, and a bathroom, etc. They live in a suburban subdivision that is cleared when it snows at regular intervals and salted before it ices. I desperately want to stay the whole time with my parents. I feel more comfortable there. I feel more able to be a wife, I can go to the kitchen and cook a meal with out feel ridiculed or being told exactly how to do it. I can do laundry for both of us without worrying that I will leave it in a minute too long and his mother freak out.My family is super laid back and not much is a big deal to them. I know my husband doesn't mind being around my family as much as I do being around his. Keeping in mind his parents only like 15-20 minutes away from us, and we can spend as much time over there as we want, but go back to my parents for privacy and our down time, is it so wrong for us to stay with my parents? or what would you do?
Re: holiday momma drama
If both of your parents live that close, it really shouldn't matter where you are staying. You would still be able to see the other family frequently, if you wanted.
I would say that logically it does make more sense to stay at your folks for a few reasons, and not for just being partial to your relationship. Having your own space and privacy are important, especially if you are going to be displaced for quite some time. You want to be comfortable for the duration of your stay, and also feel like you can get away when you need to. Like I mentioned above, if your parents live that close together, then it's easy to still spend time with everyone.
Its called compromise. He wants to stay with his family at least part of the time, you want to stay with your family the entire time. It seems like you are being a little unreasonable. And being that the 2 homes are so close to each other, when your husband goes off to do manly things with his dad, tell MIL you have other plans. Just because you are sleeping there, does not mean you need to spend every waking moment at that house too.
I'm also in favor of staying, at least most of the time, at your parents' house. It seems like the more logical thing to do, in terms of space, comfort, etc. However, you should keep in mind that when discussing these things with your H, he likely will get defensive about the personalities involved (the MIL, the babysitting, etc). So to that end, DO NOT BRING THEM UP! Don't involve the people, involve the facts about the houses. Don't tell him that you don't want to spend a day babysitting his sisters or trying to make nice with his mother - tell him that you'd really love to have a bathroom and free access to the kitchen. Don't tell him that his father drives you nuts (or whatever), tell him that it'd be nice for you to have space to move around and not worry about the ice on the roads. Does that make sense?
I do think that a compromise of sorts (maybe one night a week, for example) would be nice for you to agree to. See if you can schedule a weekly breakfast together with his family, and stay the night before at their place. This'll give them the feeling that they're involved and that they matter, and if you initiate the idea, it shows that you want to involve them and see them, and spend time with them as well. And that matters!! Also, be sure to encourage your H to spend as much time as he wants with his father - just 'cause you're married doesn't mean you have to be connected at the hip. Staying together at the same house - yes, that's a good, but spending all day/every day together - that's a bit much.
Well if you bring in all the personality issues, you are going to have a huge fight. I would concentrate on the logistical issues, because those are enough to support your argument that you should sleep at your parents' house. If there is a house with running water available to me, no way am I staying in a camper or a garage. Obviously you will still need to spend a decent amount of time visiting with his family during the day, and your husband can even spend some alone time there while you spend time alone time with your parents. You don't need to be glued at the hip the whole time.
I agree- focus on the logistical issues. I would NOT want to stay in a garage or a camper w/ no plumbing.
However, for the way your describe your MIL, the fact that your DH really doesn't get how unenjoyable this will be for you - you have a DH problem. She treats you rudely, and then he wonders why you don't want to stay there?
And then for his family to be "hurt" if you all dont' stay w/ them, in THOSE conditions?! Good grief. I'd NEVER expect someone to stay w/ me if that's what I had to offer.
The parents are only 15 - 20 mins apart. I really don't see why your parents house can't be home base, but you all make a genuine effort to go spend time w/ his family.
BUT that being said, your DH can also go somedays by himself and spend the day w/ his dad while you do your own thing. Being married doesn't mean you have to be together the entire time.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with every word ECB said.
Of course DH's family is hurt! It sounds like your family is better off financially than DH's family. It would be very painful for your child to chose to live with another family because your house isn't "nice enough". MIL may have a lot of stress and anxiety about her home being in the state that it is in.
Don't get me wrong, I agree that it makes the most sense --both logistically and emotionally-- for you to stay with your parents but if you decide to do that you need to tell his family in a way that is compassionate and doesn't end up sounding like you are choosing your family over his. As strained as your relationship with MIL sounds you should try to be as diplomatic as possible.
Remember, these people are YOUR family now too (for better or for worse... right?) even if you don't get along you need to find a way to create a positive relationship with MIL. Someone once told me, "If you can't find anything nice about someone you haven't given them enough time"... and as much as I hate to admit it they have been right every time! Approach your MIL with compassion and you will both benefit from it.
As usual, the problem is not your MIL, it's your husband. Given this information, no, you're not obligated to stay at her home. I don't know why you're not more upset at your husband for allowing this to continue.
I'm sure you'll end up staying with his family, since he clearly has no respect for you and no balls, so I think at the very least you are justified in telling him he is not to leave you alone with his mom and if she tries to pull the babysitting crap, HE will be the one watching the kids (they are HIS sisters, after all).
For a whole month, I'd shell out $800 and rent one of those studio suites.
Seriously.
I love my parents; I love my in-laws; I do not want to stay at either of their homes longer than four days. Period.
If you stay with his parents, you will be miserable and the two of you will spend your holidays fighting.
If you stay with your parents, he's going to be catching all kinds of heat from his parents, and since he doesn't seem to be capable of setting boundaries with them, it's going to affect your relationship, and the two of you will spend your holidays fighting.
They live 20 minutes apart. Pick a spot in the middle, rent something, and both go to see your families to your hearts' content. Then come home at night and enjoy your privacy and your own space.
I personally say "put on your big girl panties" and tell him you wont stay there. Its just not doable for you.
Let him know all of the above reasons as well, and if he's reasonable he'll agree to it. If he's not, have HIM stay there. LOL
His family is no more financially well off than my parents. With in a week of our wedding (which was another big deal) his parents moved to their new house. His parents both have good jobs, he is a supervisor for a well-know Christian ministry and she is a professor at a well-known University. The older sister just decided she wanted to go to public school this year, so they no long have 2 tuition payments for private school. It really has nothing to do with their finances, so they shouldn't be hurt. They choose to move to a much smaller house because they wanted acreage for his little sisters horses. They put zero thought into the fact they when we visited we would have no where to stay. the home is nice and clean, just extremely small.
As far as approaching her with compassion and doing positive things to try to make the relationship better, well, I have and these things have been reciprocated quite hatefully. I am really at a loss as to what else to do. I have asked her to go out to coffee, I asked her during our preparation for the wedding to come to dress fittings, etc. and she refuses. Any suggestions on what else to do?
We did premartial counseling, and have an appointment set up as a 1 year follow up next month. I am sure the issue will come up.
As far as the taxes go, the story basically was that since we got married just after the first of the year we could not file married for the previous year in the spring. So we both told our parents, and made it very clear, not to claim up as dependents, that we would both be filing separately as independent [and both full time students] so that we would get the correct amount of financial aid based on our incomes, not theirs. When we went to H&R Block to do our taxes everything with mine went through smoothly. Everything seemed to go smoothly with my husbands, as well. Until we got the call from our tax guy saying they couldnt process them because someone had already filed with his SSN...
Husband calls his mother. We then proceeds to tell him that they went ahead and claimed him anyway and thats its illegal for him to file independent because he lived with them for a month during summer break, etc.
Which is ridiculous.
The parents are only 15-20 minutes apart so I don't see what the big deal is on who you stay with. H and you can visit, spend pretty much all day if you wish at his folks' place then be back to home base at your parents house.
The choice between lodging seems pretty obvious. His folks are wanting to have you sleep in a garage with a space heater or a camper that has no indoor toilet. Your parents have offered the entire upstairs that includes heating and indoor toilet.
This SHOULD be a no contest- temporary living based in your parent's house and visit alot with his parents.
Why is this even a question for him?
I'm not tax savvy.. but I think that is false and they are the ones in the illegal zone. I'd talk to a tax person and find out about amending the filing.
Pretty much... his mom has committed fraud and theft.