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low desire/past abuse
Hi all,
I have a bit of a painful sexual history. I was raped by a classmate in high school, and a few years later I was raped by a guy I was dating and his friend together. I went on, at the age of 21 to begin dating a man twice my age who was sexually abusive. I was young and dumb and honestly thought that that was just how relationships were with older men. After finally leaving him (because I moved, not because I was strong enough to leave on my own). Afterwards I spiraled completely out of control for a while sexually, and then had a bf who helped me through a lot, and ended up with DH and haven't had problem since. I never told anyone about the rapes because I was so afraid of my mom calling me a whore and disowning me, and have never had any counselling.
Fast forward to now, I have no sex drive at all, and have trouble getting aroused. Once we get started, with the help of a little lube, I get into it and it's fine. I feel really guilty and sad that I am not interested in sex with DH. I don't have flashbacks or anything about the rapes, and I would say day to day I'm over it, but I just have a feeling that my past is the reason for my complete lack of interest in sex. I have often thought about counselling, but I'm terrified that it will cause me to relive these painful memories that I feel are behind me. I just don't know if a higher drive in the end would be worth revisiting the trauma, and if it would actually make me scared of sex instead of helping me. I am honestly still really ashamed of my past and will probably end up dd'ing this, and I'm not trying to make excuses for how I acted before meeting dh, but would really appreciate advice if anyone can help.
Re: low desire/past abuse
If you think the rapes have something to do with the problem, then it's not behind you. There's nothing more wonderful than not having to on some level press down on thoughts and feelings any more.
I don't get what you're saying about being ashamed of your past or excuses for how you acted. Was there something wrong you did that you're not saying here? Did you kill someone or something? Because everything in this post involves other people being sociopathic assh*les and taking advantage of you, with no wrongdoing on your part.
Hi darling! First of all, I am sorry for your past and what happened to you. It's a tough thing to live with I am sure!
Here are my thoughts -- I am a strong believer in therapy. I think what you need to do is see a therapist who speacializes in girls who were sexually abused. They will listen to you and lend a helping hand. There are also support groups for girls just like you. Knowing that your actions are because of happened to you in past is the first step towards helping yourself. It's all about understanding what happened, what made you do the things you did, and who you are now. What happened will always be a part of you, but it can become a healed part of you instead of a broken part. I think you are still young and there is still a lot of LIVING to do. Help yourself and soon enough I am sure your life and sexual problems will be a thing of the past.
Also, shame on your mother if she would really call you a whore. You are hardly a whore... you were just trying to help yourself in the best way possible. There are so many girls just like you who were broken and found other means of helping themselves. Not necessarily the best ways, but they did what they had to do. You'll be okay. I promise!
Good luck! :-)
Get a therapist. Your past is having an impact on your sexuality and you owe it to yourself to nip this problem in the bud. Properly processing these painful experiences will keep them from causing difficulties (no sex drive, unhealthy sexual relationships) in your future.
And I am going to ask something a little controversial: Do you have more extreme sexual desires than the current sexual expression you are having with your H? Are you worried about telling your H about your kinkier fantasies because you don't want to risk him thinking that you are a "bad girl"? Is it possible that he keeps things very vanilla between you because he doesn't want to bring up unpleasant memories?
Therapy might help you free yourself from any guilt you might feel from the rapes and your subsequent unhealthy sexual experiences and allow you to be exactly the sexual person you are inside *with* your caring partner.
As someone who has also been raped, once by a friend in high school and once by my chemistry TA during Freshman year of college, I can completely understand where you're coming from. It took me years to be able to tell my mother...and honestly, I truly regret doing so.
It's a very personal decision who you tell and when you tell them. But I can say that therapy is a good thing. You don't have to relive things, but you do need to address them. Honestly, even if your rapes aren't consciously bothering you, I'd be willing to bet money that you're subconsciously still extremely bothered by them.
There's nothing wrong with getting help if you need it...and as someone who's been there, there's no way you don't need it.
You need a good therapist, honey. What happened to you is not your fault and your response is not unique. The important thing is to take care of yourself and if you don't look to your mental health, you'll never be "over" it. I'd also talk to your doctor about testing, especially if you didn't have medical followup before.
I've never been raped, but I do have a history that makes intimacy a no-go at this point and other issues and working up the nerve to call up a counselor is going to be one of the hardest things I will ever do.
When you do find someone to talk to, take your time. If you don't feel safe, find someone else. Be careful.
First of all, I am so glad you have posted this. IMO one of the first steps for women taking back control of their lifes, sexuality, and emotions is to talk to other women about these things. Or society see's sexual abuse as a taboo subject, yet one in FOUR women will experience sexual abuse of some kind in their life. Men need to be scared of women and our power, our power to bring to light the truth.
Anyways. I agree with PP, counseling is a fantastic idea. Counseling is not something to be scared or ashamed of. Getting the help that you deserve is something to be proud of. You obviously have made tremendous progress already by being able to post/talk about this. If you can't afford counseling contact a local church and ask if they can help. Don't be ashamed to do this, that is what they are for.
If you aren't involved in a church or religious group, I know LDS family services offers some kind of counseling services. You don't have to be a member, you don't have to pretend to want to be a member. Just look up a local LDS (mormon) church in your community and tell them you aren't a member but need counseling and are struggling to find the money. They should be happy to help.
I hope this helps GL.
This 100%. IF you are still struggling with feelings of shame and guilt, then you should seek counseling, in whatever manner you are comfortable with.
1.800.656.HOPE is the number for the rape crisis hotline, they would be able to point you in the direction of a counselor who specializes in rape surviviors, your local women's shelter would also be able to point you in the right direction.
If religious, and feel comfortable doing so, seek support from someone in your church/religious organization that you trust/feel comfortable with.
What I can promise from personal experience ( I was assaulted by an acquintance my first week of college my junior year (I had transferred from community college) is you will feel a thousand times better when you let go of the shame and guilt that you are holding on to. It doesn't matter what the circumstances were, YOU are the only one who gets to decide what you do with your body.
It took me awhile to understand that, but when I had that moment of epiphany, and truly understood that it wasn't my fault and I had nothing to be ashamed of, I literally felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, on I hadn't been fully conscious of.
I wish the best for you. I will keep you in my prayers.
Hi everyone,
Thanks for the responses. It has really felt good to get that out and just put it out there. I was shaking as I typed it but I feel sort of relieved now.
I have been checked out medically, and I was lucky enough to come out without any STDs or pregnancy or anything.
As for feeling ashamed, I don't feel ashamed that I was raped. I feel ashamed about how I reacted, how I went on to an abusive relationship, how I convince myself it was just really "hot" and how I never left him because I had smartened up. I am mostly ashamed of how I acted afterwards, I did a lot of lying and sneaking around to be with men, it interfered with my schoolwork and my job and there was no excuse for it. I know people all act out different ways after trauma, and I just wish I would have done something more positive to cope. I know regretting it now does no good and it helped me get past it in a strange way.
I have looked into it and our office has an employee assistance plan where you can meet with a councellor a few times and then after that they will refer you to someone else who can help you out best with your problem. My biggest fear was digging up what I thought I had sucessfully buried inside of me, but now I think it's worth a try.
Thanks so much for all of your support it means a lot to me that you don't judge me.
But there WAS an excuse for it. You were assaulted and traumatized. What positive thing do you think you could have done to cope? I mean, that's kind of the thing about being raped, it messes you up royally for a while and you feel compelled to do strange things to try to get back to who you were before. And you do admit that it did help a little, in a weird way, so the reality is that you did exactly what you needed to do at that time.
Don't judge your behavior without the context. Context is everything, and behavior that's completely out of line in most of life can become completely inappropriate in extreme situations. Think of a person defending her life and killing someone - usually murder is wrong, but in certain circumstances, it's not only acceptable but positive. That's what you have here after your rape.