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Constant In-Law issues
Hi,
Sorry in advance if this backstory is excessively long.
The hubs and I had been together for five years before we got married this last June. We were engaged for over a year while we put our wedding together and saved up the money. The arc of the relationship between his parents and I has been thus: at first, they hated me (probably because he devoted so much of his time to me), then they seemed alright, and finally, immediately after engagement, they became hostile. I think it was because they realized I could be a permanent fixture.
Anyhoo. His family has quite a bit of money and come from a very conservative, religious background. My family does not have the best reputation and are quite low-income. The first trouble with our wedding came up as a money issue; his parents kept suggesting all of these expensive things that we 'needed' for our wedding. For example, we live a half hour away, and I booked all the venues in our town (because I knew the vendors and got discounts). My husband's father then proceeded to tell me that we needed to move the wedding to where they live because it was more convienent for them (this was his literal reasoning). I told him that the venues there were too expensive, thinking perhaps it was his way of offering some financial assistance but not wanting to ask for it. He just said it was necessary. When I told him I had already booked my venues, he literally said "well, I guess you'll find we're busy that day when you need help."
Ok. Fine. I was quite blessed to have a lot of friends helping out that day anyway. His mother was sort of like poisoned honey leading up to the wedding--she threw me a bridal shower, but didn't invite anyone I put on the list for her, just members of her own family. She took me to get facials, but she and the female members of her family made snide remarks about me the entire hour long drive to the salon. This I just sort of grinned and beared, although at this point my stress was snowballing because neither family was actively helping with any part of the wedding.
Three weeks before the wedding, his family said they wanted to do a rehearsal dinner, and they wanted to BBQ. I said that sounded great, and that it was too bad that I dislike BBQ (they've known for years it's the only thing I won't eat, they make it every time we go to their house). They just said "too bad!" with a smile. Then, when I ate nothing at the rehearsal dinner, they got really upset and told me infront of all our friends and family that I was being insulting by not eating their food. Sigh.
So the big day comes. His family arrives about 10-15 minutes before the ceremony. Now, I will give them this--they loand us their giant SUV the night before, so that we could take all the decorations and girls in their dresses (including me) out to the lake where we were getting married. They gave no instructions on who should be driving, and because all of us were in dresses, a very dear friend who was simply a guest volunteered to drive us. His parents saw her driving their car, and threw a fit because she is black, and they "don't want any black people driving their car."
The wedding was alright... lots of stony faces. Afterwards, his family informed me that this day was not about me, and that I needed to allow his grandmother to take all the pictures (which was against my photographers contract). Even after my photographer asked her to back off, she would not stop (even going so far as to stand in front of my photographer and take pictures first). When I talked to his grandmother in private about it, my husbands family became so angry that they drove off in the SUV, effectively stranding the entire wedding party out at the lake. (in hindsight, it's sort of comical, but wasn't at the time).
Que the reception, which we were an hour late to, trying to get rides from friends from the lake. On my way to cut the cake, his mother jogged up and grabbed me, sank her nails into my arm and told me that I am an incredibly selfish person, and that my behavior was disgusting, and that no one could have possibly raised me this way. She did this twice, with my husband having to physically pull her off of me in front of all of our friends and family. I honestly do not know what selfishness she saw in me that day, other than yelling at the grandmother and being snarky (finally snapping) and saying that yes, the day was about me.
After the honeymoon, we got back to lots of people around town telling us that his family were talking about how the wedding went 'ok, but no one really wanted to see them get married.' My husband sat down and tried to talk to them about it, hoping he could get them to approach me to apologize, but his father said that I owe them an apology, and his mother said that none of it was her fault because I didn't eat their food, and that our wedding had 'stressed her out.'
I'm getting all of this out now because my anger has been festering inside of me ever since this wedding. I cannot even look back on our special day without feeling enraged. I'm afraid that this relationship won't even be salvageable; they refuse to apologize and I am unfortunately clinging to needing one. How to I get past this?
And furthermore, in two weeks, his older brother gets married. They are getting married in a way that his parents wanted US to (in a church, in their town, with a pastor). His parents also like this girl far more than me, because she shares most of the same political/ideological values as they do. They even approve of her being a teacher, which is odd, because they wanted me to be a doctor and were upset when they found out I am going to teach at the university level. I am afraid that when I attend this wedding, I will have to watch them be happy and helpful, and the bitterness will just make me crazy. My husband is in the wedding party, which leaves me alone with them (although I don't think I'm welcome at their table).
In an effort to be fair, I think his family is very, very over protective of my husband. In all honesty, he is the only successful son they have right now, and they also lost a child at the age of three once, which has caused them to be very over-involved and protective parents. I was also the first person their son really dated seriously.
Anyway. If you read all this, thanks. I guess what I want to know is: how do I get past all this bitterness? I could talk to them, but I'm afraid it would get ugly....really ugly, especially considering that I do have some issues with anger and they don't acknowledge that they ever did anything wrong. All I want is that acknowledgement. Even some commiseration here woul do. Furthermore--tips on how to survive this upcoming wedding?
Thanks!
Re: Constant In-Law issues
First off I would like to say that this was very well written. I felt like I got the whole picture. It sounds like your IL's are snobby jerks. I think that expecting them to suddenly change and become apologetic to you is highly unlikely. Why do you need validation from them? Are you and your H happy? Does he stand up to them?
As long as H is on your side and you two are happy that is all that matters. If you let yourself think about this too much, they win. I would just kill them with kindness at family events.
If it makes you feel any better the same thing happened with me. My H was in his brother's wedding and SIL sat me at a table with strangers instead of with the family because she hates my H and I. Oh well I say...glad I am not her to have so much hatred in my life.
^ Ha, thanks about well-written. I teach college english.
My husband...he's an absolutely great guy, for one. This is really difficult for me because I can see both sides here. He's quite close with his family (or at least was when he was younger), and I would never want to be the person who cuts them out of his life, or is the reason for it. (Background: my uncle married a woman who forbid him from seeing any of us, ouch).
He sat down with them and told them how inappropriate they were... and I wrote the response up there. Other than that, it's all been passive aggressive since then, and he tries to stay out of it (again, I would hate to ask him to rip his family, but perhaps I should?) He has expressed concern that I need to work through my bitterness, because he points out that it is only hurting me, as they do not care and have probably already forgotten about the trouble they caused at the wedding. He never insists that I get along with or see them, but wants me to get the anger out somehow for my own benefit (he's a counselor, so there's a whole other level of stuff going on with that reponse... haha). He's basically told me that I will never get that apology out of them, and acknowledges how much they suck (for lack of a better term.)
I don't so much need validation, but to be honest, I don't have a relationship with my family and was hoping to at least have a civil one with the in-laws. Otherwise, the hubs and I are fantastically happy together.
Wow, I'm so sorry you have to put up with people like this! They sound like petty, self centered, pricks!
I do agree with PPs that I think a lot of the responsibility falls on your H to deal with his parents and how they treat you. If they don't listen, or care to try to change, then you don't need to be around. I don't mean just you, I mean both you and your H. If your H has an issue trying to stand up for you to his parents, then there are other things that need to be handled.
As far as for the upcoming wedding and dealing with the anger/frustration, I think you need to find a way to just move past it. Doesn't mean you will ever forget what they have done, but for yourself you need to move on from it. If you and your H are happy, that's all that matters. It's a day, and you will survive. Maybe not entirely happy about it, also don't let them see that, but you will survive.
Hmm I see what you mean. I don't think asking him to not see his family is a good idea (unless they were violent and dangerous haha), but I think you already know that. It sounds like your husband doesn't think this is a big deal. That is what would concern me. Somehow he needs to realize that the way his family treats you is unacceptable. Maybe flipping the situation and asking him to picture being in your shoes.
I am sure other nesties will jump in with some good suggestions...they always do
Good luck!
I can understand where you are coming from, and it is a difficult situation. However, I honestly believe that you are his #1, and if someone is disrespecting you, even his parents or family, then he needs to stick up for you. Just as you would for him. That doesn't mean tearing family bonds apart, it just means creating a boundary that needs to be respected. If it's respected then great! If not, then there is an issue, that his parents' have created, not you.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a man to tell his parents that he doesn't feel like they respect his wife. After all, if they are religious (and I'm referring to Christianity) then they know that a man LEAVES his parents for his WIFE. (BTW, it doesn't sound like they treat you with much Christian love or respect at all... just saying) He is bound to you now, not his parents.
First:
his mother jogged up and grabbed me, sank her nails into my arm
This is assault.
Second:
You will never get an apology or an acknowledgment of wrong doing from these people.
Third:
Frankly I would not want anything to do with them. And suggest that you ignore them at the up coming wedding. It will probably sting seeing how they act towards the Bride, but who the F*ck cares what racist jerk-offs think.
Forth:
Your H needs to step up to the plate and stand up to these people. And really put his foot down or cut them out of your lives.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
While no two stories are the same I have to say that I have been dealing with problems very similar to yours. And as hard as it may seem, you really do have to find a way to let go of some of the anger and find a way to get past all of the hurt that they have caused you.
I understand that you wanted a relationship with them, but the only relationship they are capable (at this time) of having with you is a very toxic relationship. You need to come to terms with this and find a way to deal with not having this relationship.
As for the upcoming wedding, as hard as it might be, you should try to be supportive and happy for the couple. It doesn't seem like your brother-in-law and new wife have done anything (Have they?). If they haven't done anything then you should be happy for them. You don't want anyone to be able to say that you did anything that might be a negative on their wedding day.
Beyond that I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, but remember you did nothing wrong and you need to stand up for yourself so that they don't think thier behavior is acceptable.
I'm so sorry you're going through all that. It sounds painful and really rejecting and I feel badly for you.
That said, though, these people sound like selfish, cruel, inconsiderate brats and I guess the only really sound advice I have to give you is to remember the silly little adage from kindergarten: "I'm rubber and you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you." And I'd suggest add the verb "to do" as well.
What they're doing and how they're talking, etc reflects on them, and in this case, it reflects badly. If it were me, I'd literally remove them from my life. They're NOT going to change - why would they want to? Their behavior reinforces their belief that you're not good enough for their son. It doesn't matter if it's a true belief or not - it's theirs and without some serious therapy, which I doubt they'll go to, it'll remain theirs. It's just how it is. Your H can talk to them till they're all blue in the face but the best communication here is through actions. Don't go to their home, don't go to the wedding (unless you really want to go for your H, NOT to try to show them that you're a wonderful wife), don't try to please them. It won't work and it only makes you suffer through the attempt.
Minimize or totally remove them from your life and you'll see that your life will be so much easier.
Ditto.
Wow, they're horrible! I have a similar, though different, situtation, but maybe it'll help a little...
My MIL badmouthed me before the wedding, when my H & I were addressing our wedding invitations. He took the extreme route and told her basically to go f*** herself and that she had to respect me as his wife and be civil, or she wouldn't be part of his life. The argument ended with him refusing to invite her to the wedding. I actually tried to convince him he should invite her anyway, but he's stubborn. He gets it from his mother, actually. They haven't spoken since that day, in December of 2008 or January of 2009. We've had zero contact, though I've told H several times that if he wants a relationship with his mother, he shouldn't refrain on my account. I appreciate greatly the fact that he stuck up for me like he did, but I won't be the one to keep him from his family.
Well, H's younger brother is now engaged and supposed to be getting married in May of 2011. Despite the fact that we really dislike BIL's fiancee (she's an ignorant ass), BIL was H's best man, is his closest relative, and we really like him, so of course we'll go to the wedding to be there for him.
We both know it's likely that MIL will be there (though she missed our wedding and H's older stepbrother's wedding, so who knows if she'll go to BIL's either). We also know that BIL, as H's younger brother, has been trying to get H and MIL to talk to each other for the past two years. The poor guy thinks it's his job to fix the relationship, when it's really not in his power. It wouldn't surprise me, though, if BIL tried to put his parents at a table with me & H, assuming they have assigned seating.
I don't know what H's plan is, and I do worry that he'll fight with MIL. I've already pointed out that BIL's wedding is not the place for that and we should do our best to make sure that BIL has a great wedding, drama-free, and not make it about us. He agrees, but he can be a bit of a hothead, so I do think about it.
As for me, my plan is to smile and say "hi" and engage in no other conversation with MIL unless and until she is civil with me and talks to me conversationally. Otherwise, I will just ignore her entirely after saying hi.
The others here are right - you will never be able to please them and you shouldn't worry about trying. Satisfy yourself with the knowledge of who you are, that you're a good person (you'd have to be or you wouldn't have good freinds who helped with your wedding) with good friends and a good husband who loves you. You don't need them. And don't take their crap. Say "hi." And then walk away. If they try to make snide comments about you, walk away.
(Of course, I'm a snotty ***, so I'd be likely to comment back... something like, "Geez, it's sad. All that money and you still need to demean others to make yourselves feel better about yourselves. What a miserable life that must be.")
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My ILs are similar. DH and I have tried everything and finally have found a solution we can live with -- limit visits (4-6 a year tops and no overnights), don't take any nonsense (after the first sign of agression or first snide remark, pick up and leave), and phone conversations are instantly ended if there's any drama.
The hardest bit is to shrug it all off. They're assholes; don't let their opinions get to you.
I like the book Toxic Inlaws.
I agree with PP's, very well written blog! I'm very sorry to hear that you have been treated in such an ill manner by you IL's. It's rather funny how we think we're gaining a family when we get married, and in the end, for some of us-we gain stress and extra drama. It's really rather sad.
Anywho...go to the wedding and have a great time. Smile-even if it's phony and give the best impression that you're having the best time ... that'll show 'em! Never let 'em see ya sweat. Good luck, and I hope in time, they can at least learn to be civil.
Thanks for all the support guys. Wish me luck; it really helped just to pop on here and see that a bunch of people know exactly how I feel and don't think that I am crazy.
The brother in law has never liked me.... a couple years ago he informed me that I was a selfish *** who was a complete idiot, who....hmmm. Something about how I was ignorant and shouldn't have been given a free ride to college. This is right before he goes after a friend of mine with a golf club (that's a whollleeeeee different story). He was an usher at our wedding, and was upset that he wasn't in the actual wedding party. Because he was upset about not being in the party, he refused to do usher duties the day off. Sigh.
But his future wife isn't so bad, and I want to be civil at least for her. I think I'm going to take the advice on here and say "hi," leaving it at that.
It's just that the last wedding I went to (a friends, three months after mine) was so beautiful and perfect and loving that I cried in a total moment of disgusting self pity. heh. I just don't want to be that upset, but you're right, never let them see you sweat, huh?
Anyhoo, I really appreciate all the responses and poeple willing to read it! Wish me luck.