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Mother-In-Law That Won't Let Go
Background: My husband is an only child and his father passed away approximately 10 years ago. His mother is disfigured from RA and is on disability. She cannot work and is content staying home (my husband's home) and taking care of him (ie cleaning, cooking, watching HSN and QVC). My husband pays all the bills, including the mortgage, groceries, and for her car that she doesn't even drive. None of their family lives on the West Coast where we are located.
When we started dating three years ago she was all sweet to me, but I knew that she talked poorly about me to her family in NY. Then we got engaged and she told both of us that a year long engagement was rushing it and we should have a three to four year long engagement. We told her we wanted to be married in a year. Six months into our engagement I moved into the house, with the understanding that she would be moving out in four months. In four months I found out that she thought I was disrespectful to her for moving into her house before marrying her son and that I should have waited for her to move out.
My husband and I have been married for three months now. She still is living here. She isn't even looking at houses. My husband and I fight a lot. And a lot of them are about her. The things she says to him about me. She feels that now I'm his wife, she shouldn't have to cook or clean the house and I should to prove that I can take care of him before she moves out! I don't mind helping out, but I do think that she needs to earn her keep. I work, pay bills, and I do the dishes every night cook 3 times a week (we eat out 3 times), vaccuum, dust, sweep, mop, and do the laundry every week. But she doesn't think I can take care of my husband!
Am I crazy to want this woman out of our house and to let me and my husband to live our life?
Re: Mother-In-Law That Won't Let Go
No, you're not crazy. But you need to have a serious talk with your H about her moving out. And then you both need to sit down with her and set some deadlines. She needs to know that this is going to happen for sure, and you and your H are standing firm on this.
You're not crazy for wanting her out of your house.
I do think you're crazy for marrying a man who wouldn't, hasn't, and doesn't stand up to his mother, and who supports her financially 100%.
She isn't the problem here; he is.
Ditto everyone. Plus, you're playing right into her hands - you're sitting here telling us all that you do to "take care of him".
I'm sure many of the others here will say the same thing- I dont' "take care" of my DH. We take care of each other and we BOTH take care of the house, cook meals, do laundry, etc.
And actually, I have a feeling if (and it's a BIG "if") she moves out, you're going to find yourself w/ a DH who will expect you to continue to be his mommy and continue to "take care" of him and then you'll be here pissed about how he does nothing around the house.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's funny you bring this up now... my MIL just lost her job this morning because she couldn't work due to RA flare-ups over the past month.
Before I talk about your husband's enabling her... I gotta ask. If she's on disability and can't work, and her RA has advanced to the point where she's disfigured, is she capable of doing housework like laundry and dishes, etc?
Your husband needs to kick his mother out. She should not be living with you two.
You and him deserve to be newlyweds, kind of hard to do with her there.
Seriously sit him down and talk to him.
She said it's the husband's house.
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Really -- he pays all of her expenses? YOu knew about this before you were married, I am guessing; why was this okay with you then but not now?
She can geta live in companion; very simple for her to do; she can find a 2 bedroom apartment somewhere.
And sorry, your MIL is coming between you.
If she won't move out and he keeps having her back, I suggest YOU pack it in. this is a battle yo won't win. GL.
How about we retitle the post A Girl who shouldnt have gotten involved....or I Married a Momma's boy?
Your problem is your H not your MIL. You thought he'd magically grow some balls after you got married?
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
So she is 100% dependent on your husband and you thought she really would just get her own place?
Your husband sounds like a lazy manchild.
I am going to go against the grain a bit here (just a bit).
Please tell me what you expect your disabled MIL to do? The average SSDI payment is just shy of $1000 a month taxed (according to Frost Illustrated). The average cost for MedicarePart B is $96.40 a month with a $135 deductible (NOT TO INCLUDE COST SHARE) and Part D has an average $30. a month deductible, $310 deductible and annual $1550 Donut Hole (NOT TO INCLUDE COST SHARES).
Now, knowing that she has RA, one of the most costly diagnosis to treat, we can accept that she is meeting her deductibles, seeing the doctors regularly (some of the more affective RA drugs are givin intraveneously) and meeting her donut hole (that is after paying $2,830 out of pocket first) pretty early on.
With the average monthly cost of RA treatments to be $340...her monthly income (not including her doctors visits and taxes - though many of the more effective treatments are intraveneous) after all is medically said and done equalls $560 a month.
Now, recognizing that there MAY be safe apartments that she can get for $500 a month, including utilities and only $60 a month for food...what happens in those months where she has to pay her RA drugs out of pocket (that darned donut hole)?
Look, I think that your DH should have stepped up and told you straight out that he was not going to kick is DISABLED mother out on the street....but at the same time YOU ARE ASKING HIM TO THROW HIS DISABLED MOTHER OUT ON THE STREET?
And yes, she is being totally nasty...but her DIL is forcing her to live on her own - with no regard to her financial and physical conditions. Not very empathetic of YOU?
Hell, if she moved out, you would probably be bitching about how often he had to go over to her house to help her out with Drs visits, grocery shopping, changing light bulbs, etc.
If I am wrong about her finances, let me know. But in my 9 year career as a patient advocate for the retiree, RA is one of the most dibilitating diseases out there, both physically, financially and emotionally. And there seems to be NO empathy or consideration to the MIL's condition....just that the new bride wants her out.
SIDE NOTE: being disabled does not mean being bed ridden. Outside of the fact that rhuematologists encourage daily activity, to include the day to day activities of housekeeping, to keep things oiled, if she WASN'T pitching in here and there, she would be vilified for being a total mooch.
Thank you, Illumine. I understand if you and your husband don't want MIL to continue living with you (although it sounds like your husband doesn't mind having her there), but you can't expect someone with her health and financial problems to just move out and be completely independent. If the current arrangement isn't working for you anymore, then you need to figure something else out (whether it's moving her into an assisted living facility, having a health care worker come to her home, if necessary, setting her up with a roommate to help with the bills, etc.) and accept that you and your husband will probably always have to provide some kind of financial support and help with things around the house.
The bigger problem here is that you and your husband are not on the same page about a lot of things, like the division of labor in the house. Instead of fighting with your MIL about which one of you will be your husband's servant, the three of you need to sit down and figure out who will be responsible for what, taking into account how much time each person spends working outside of the home. If she moves out, you and your husband need to split the chores fairly.
She is perfectly capable to doing laundry, cooking, vaccuming, and dusting. She did all of this before I moved into the house.
I must have been confusing in my original post. My husband is a pharamacist and I am a teacher with a masters and cheerleading coach. Therefore we are pretty well off. I'm not saying that we kick her to the curb. I just want her to move out of the house. I am under the complete understanding and have been since I started dating my husband that we would provide for her for the remainder of her life.
I am completely okay with buying her a house. Helping pay her utilities, cable/phone, etc. I just want her to move out of the house!
Because of the economy in Las Vegas, he is concerned about not qualifying for a home loan as we already have a home loan in his name and in my name (he doesn't want her to live in my condo b/c she's not familiar with that area of town). She refuses to live in an apartment because then she wouldn't have her own pool.
I don't want to seem like a jerk for want to kick my MIL to the curb because I'm not... I just want her to get her own place... even if that means I'm paying for it. And we are going to pay for it!
On a side note, my mother also has RA and is disfigured. But she goes to work everyday. Cleans her own house. Walks the dog. Goes shopping. She trying to carry on as normal a life as possible, while my MIL doesn't. Not every case is the same, but my MIL refuses to see the MD, refuses to take medications. Whereas my mother goes every 5 weeks for IV medication.
My MIL is not as helpless and needy as most patients you are used to working with. She refuses help. And if you were to ask her any PHI, she would tell you that is none of your business. She won't give any MD her medical history. It's very fun to take her to the doctor when she is sick, as I've had to do this many times.
Have you looked into a retirement community that has an assisted living area? That way someone is checking in on her and she has her own space.
It sounds like DH needs to grow some balls and not let mommy guilt trip him into her staying there.