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Ex's New Wife
So, my ex husband and his new wife have been together for a little over a year have a 10 month old kid (do the math) and are married. And ever since they got together, she has done nothing but make my life a living hell. She loves to go on rants about how much of a horrible parent I am. My 5 year old daughter and 6 year old son tell me that she bad mouths me when she thinks they can't hear her, and that she's said it to them. She's driven me into corners, backed me down because she knows I don't like confrontation. Unfortunately, one time she did it and I finally yelled back in her face. She called me a joke and said my kids deserve a real mom. Someone who isn't a whore, obsessed with finding who I can f*ck next. (Ummm, I've not been intimate with anyone for about a year and a half before my FH) I found out from my daughter, that her and my son call her by her name but she says they should call her mommy. She told me I don't do enough for my kids, I pay CS and take them every other weekend (because that's all I'm allowed by them). I'm a good mom, my ex knows this, yet he doesn't do one thing to defend me. She likes to go on about how I choose a "real winner" who "probably cheats every chance he gets" when I know for a fact that my FH works 35 to 40 hours a week and the rest of the time we spend together and I also know for a fact that my ex has cheated on her numerous times and tried to cheat with me and one of my friends on a few seperate occasions.
I'm thisclose to filing new papers because the original parenting plan has never been followed, I'm tired of being told when I can and can't have my kids and being told that the only time my mom and her husband are allowed to see my kids is when I'm at work on my weekends (which is like, Saturday night so my mom sees my kids for about 12 hours, twice a month) unless they need clothes, athletic stuff or anything else my ex and his wife need help paying for. My ex's wife even told me that my mom has no right to have any clothes or toys at her house because my kids aren't there enough.
I just need some advice, because I'm at my wits end. My FH absolutely LOVE my children and they ADORE him and I love his kids (their mom is a friend of mine and no where near this horrid) and he's told me if I want to fight for them, then we will, but I'm afraid because his family has WAY more money than mine does and could hire lawyers, whereas, I can't. Can anyone help?
Re: Ex's New Wife
Is the original plan on file with the state?
If so are you ready to take the kids back full time?
Are your issues fixed? Completely?
Do you have money for a lawyer?
Yeah, the original plan is on file here and it's not that I want to take them back full time because aside from her, they're adjusted in school and moving with me would mean they'd have to move schools. I just want to see them more and not have her interfere.
I'm pretty sure what she's been doing to me is abuse and some kind of harassment.
What she's doing is also parental alienation. She's not allowed to bad-mouth you to your kids.
If she is like that with you, do you think she's really GREAT with your kids? A woman like that sounds like she has a LOT of issues!!!
Can you afford to live in the school system that your exH lives in? If not, I would say move them. I know the feeling of not wanting to change your kids lives, but the current situation sounds HORRIBLE! The younger they are (and 5 and 6 are young), the better they will adjust. You can't allow something like this to be a part of their everyday lives. It also provides this woman with a LOT of power over you.
If you avoid confrontation with this beeotch, I would get therapy to help with boundries. She definately has her own issues (maybe jealousy that she had to get pg before your Ex would propose? Jealous that your exH had a life/marriage/love before her?). You also need to be in a strong place with yourself about why you gave up your kids. Even if it's something like you were an addict and needed to get clean - - that doesn't make you a bad parent now.
If you don't want to follow the original/current family plan then you have less authority to pick and choose what you do want to do.
I understand your logic that you want more visitation because you are actually allowed more custody - but you are actually talking apples and organges. It's a weak arguement to say you want more apples because you have a right to more oranges. And since this has been the consistent living arrangment for the children and it works well (by your admission) a judge may actually modify the plan to reflect the current situation, not enforce the old one.
So, you really have to go back to "best interest" of the children. If you are at a place in your life that you are better able to visit and be involved, then do so. The new wife is no ally of yours so stop contact with her. Deal directly with the children's father and exhert your rights and hammer out a plan. He may have no incentive to change, but you do and you must for the "best interest" of your children. Realize your children live in a family and the norms and rhyme of that family is important, too. But being involved with you and their maternal grandparents can be a very powerful and important influence on their lives. Use neutral people to pick-up and drop-of the children, avoid all contact with the new wife and start getting serious about your role and commitment to your girls.
Do this now and keep doing it for your children's sake. It's entirely possible this new marriage may fall apart. You've already described infidelity and a very fragile foundation for a relationship. Your ex doesn't sound very grounded or comitted, and he's already divorced (at least once). Your children have a half-sibling with this woman, but she may not be their step-parent much longer. You need to open your eyes and gain some ground in their lives right now. Their world doesn't sound very stable.
I agree with what other people are saying, and just want to point out that it's a lot easier (usually) for five and six year olds to transfer schools than 10+ year olds. Five and six year olds are happy with toys and friends. 10+ year olds worry about popularity factors, etc., and it's just a more "dramatic" experience. (This, from what I've seen from my teaching experience.)
If you can't move to their school district, do bring them to the one where you live sooner rather than later.
OK I don't agree with her methods, but she is basically raising your kids full time, while you have weekend visitation. If you are having so many issues, and are so concerned then YOU need to step it up and become a full time parent. You want to be in control then do it. Stop the excuses and take control. Kids change schools all the time, it wont kill them. If you cant move to them and that is the only way to take control do it.
I just have a feeling that new wife and x would have a completely different story, and that you realy dont want your kids on a full time basis.
What you have here is a Ex-DH problem.
What kind of man allows a person to bad mouth the child's mother within hearing of the children?
I am not a huge fan of my Fi's ex-wife, but I am careful to NEVER EVER EVER say ANYTHING about their mother while they are in the house. OK, after we drop them off and we are alone in the car, I will let loose, but never while they are within our four walls. Even when the teenager complains about her mom to me, I murmur something to the effect that her mother loves her, how frustrating it is to be a teenager etc.
Schedule a meeting with Ex and tell him that the children have been hearing some of the comments that new wife has been making. Tell them that this has got to stop. Tell him it is damaging the children to listen to these attacks on their mother and that it will not only hurt the children's feelings for you, their mother, it will destroy his children's relationship with him and his wife. If she is making the kids feel badly about you, that will cause them to feel badly about themselves. They will eventually want to turn on step-mom for making them hate themselves.
Clearly, she is wrong to bad-mouth you to your kids, but I have to wonder if she actually has a point with some of the stuff she says. You voluntarily gave up custody of your kids and you still don't want them back full time. That doesn't exactly make you mother of the year.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
they're 5 and 6. they'll get over switching schools. they're in what-first and 2nd grade? they'll be fine.
to me the 'i dont want them to have to switch schools' sounds like an excuse. do you really want them full time?
also-perhaps your exdh doesn't do anything to defend you because he agrees with her? i imagine you got divorced for SOME reason.
it's shity what she's doing but you can't tell her what to say and what not to say to you but i think it sucks that she's badmouthing you to the kids though.
why not take the kids back?
Just curious how you "find out" these things. Do your kids offer this information up willingly, or do you question them every time you have them?
Agreed, but most courts don't view it that way. In fact, stability, especially after parental seperation is highly evaluated in child custody cases, well, at least in Canada it is, I couldn't speak for everywhere.
I think it's wonderful that you are considering the best interests of your children. Ripping them out of their present situation to stop their step mom from her immature behavior only hurts the kids. I think it's awesome that you recognize this. I don't think you are shirking your responsibility, in fact, I think you are taking their best interests and putting them above your own.
That being said, I would have a private discussion with your exdh. Perhaps bring some step parenting books. Everything I've ever read about being a step parent states loud and clear "Do not bad mouth the bio parent". I leads the children to feel like they have to choose sides and it will either result in them being alienated towards you, her or both. You get more bees with honey. Explain to your exdh that he and his new wife are entitled to think and feel however they would like about you, but that expressing any anger or hostility towards you in front of the kids only hurts the children, not you. If he is anything of a good father he should know this and should be speaking with his new wife regarding it.
If that doesn't do it, then I would suggest explaining to them that what she is doing is called parental alienation and is not looked highly upon in the courts. In Alberta we have a thing called a DRO (Dispute Resolution Officer). It's a senior lawyer who acts as a mediator. It's a free service here as it's encouraged before going to court. A DRO will most definitely tell her that her actions are immature and detrimental to the children. Hopefully that will be enough to make her stop.
Best of luck!
Of course they'll have a different story, I've been told by numerous friends of both him and I, that they think I'm a bad parent. I'll admit I'm not ready to have them in my home, all the time, but 4 days out of 30/31 is a little ridiculous. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Barge into their home and take the kids?
I have weekend visitation because that's what she's said I get and he lets her do it. I've tried to go the route of only talking to him and the only response I get is "check with [name] she makes all the decisions." She's verbally told me, "you need to give up your rights and let me adopt them since we're married now." She DOES NOT want me around. Period. The one thing that gets me, is that I'm "not allowed" to send my kids home with anything (candy, toys, clothes, etc...) without having something for her older son also.
First, of course they think you are a bad parent. You only want your kids part-time.
Second, if you want a better visitation schedule, then take them to court and get a different custody order put into place.
have weekend visitation because that's what she's said I get and he lets her do it.
WRONG....that is what YOU allow!
You have a court order and if you really wanted more time youd get it.
I have a feeling you maybe one of those who wants the kids around when you want them around and when you are busy or have better things to do you have a perfect excuse.
A mother who wants her kids fights for them and doesnt use excuses...you fight for them!
The other thing is this woman isnt your problem your X is, yet you keep blaming her.
This is insane. You're all dogpiling on this woman because she chooses not to be a full-time parent? That is sexism at its worst.
OP - you have the right to choose not to parent full-time. This does not make you a bad parent, or a bad person. Mothers are so often vilified when they choose not to be the primary parent, and all it does is perpetuate the subjugation and unequal treatment of women everywhere.
Your childrens' stepmother is certainly harassing you, and practicing parental alienation, and you have a good shot at reworking your custody agreement due to this. Be sure to document everything and back up your statements with pictures, emails, whatever you have that shows her behavior. Contact legal aid in your area if you cannot afford a lawyer.