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In Laws
I recently had my baby shower and although my own family gets on my last nerve, it ended up being a great shower.
Hubby's SIL is pregnant as well (2 months behind me) and ever since we've had our wedding (they had a courthouse rushed wedding-long story), bought our house and got pregnant, I feel she's jealous and trying to steal our shine. She's made small comments and his brother (my BIL) is extremely stand-offish and makes faces and comments all the time.
This weekend, the situation blew up! During the shower, his family sat in the back and basically had lots of side conversation, didn't play games, didn't talk to any of the other guests besides each other and BIL's best friend (who's my husband's friend as well) After the shower, my family cleaned everything up (his family sat on the couch talking). Didn't offer to help. I walked all my family out and told my mom how tired I was. My mom then asked everyone to leave. In laws refused to leave, so I just went to the master bedroom and asked my husband to ask them to leave. I was not ready mentally to confront the situation, but they waited til my entire family was gone to decide they wanted to talk about the issue.
Long story short, I ended up yelling and crying and screaming at them. His mother said I would be a horrible mother because I cussed a few times and I told her to go to h*** and get out of my house.
Now his whole family is mad at him for not "manning up" (direct quote from the texts) and even went so far as to tell him that he "knows who the problem is and until he fixes it, his life is going to be miserable." He was trying to be a mediator in the whole confrontation and didn't take anyone's side. Afterward, he told me he was disappointed in me and we had a talk.
Basically I feel like hubby is stuck between a rock and a hard place. He's been crying and I feel terrible. What do I do?
Re: In Laws
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Aside from the screaming match, I'm not sure what you are angry about. They showed up at your shower. I'm not sure where it's expected that guests mingle with people they don't know (your friends and family), enthusiastically play all of the shower games, or help out.
If that was "the situation" that made you so angry, you need to accept that your ILS are different than you are and not very social. Heck, they might not be very nice, but it's THEIR problem.
What were you yelling and screaming about? The fact that they didn't play "guess the poo (melted candy bar) in the diaper?" That they didn't help serve or clean up? What do your ILS think "the problem" is?
How was the talk between you and your H resolved?
If everything you posted about the shower is true, I don't see what you are so upset about.
Some people are more extroverted and love to mingle; others are more introverted and prefer to chat with people they know. Neither one is good nor bad, just different.
Same with games. Some people like them, others don't. No big deal.
You might have a bit of an inlaw problem, but I think you also have a bit of a "you" problem. Your behavior is playing a role in this conflict. Your ILs might owe you an apology, but it seems you owe them one as well.
Were they "hosting" the shower? In my mind, if they're not hosts, they don't have to do a thing, including cleaning. It's awesome if they do, but certainly not expected.
But like PPs, I'd like more information on what exactly the issue is.
Someone is stealing her "shine".
Maybe I'm wrong, but I really just can't give any advice on what you've written.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
And how exactly are your BIL and SIL stealing your thunder? Are they not allowed to have a kid within a few months of you?
Since you won't say what they wanted to talk to you about, I'm going to guess it had to do with you being a whiny b!tch about your BIL and SIL, and you being a sour puss during your shower because they didn't play games. Seriously - you told them to go to hell? Unless there is more to the story here, I agree with what your ILs told your husband - you are the problem here.
You like to create drama and make yourself out to be the victim don't you?
From what you've written, you sound like the jealous one and you acted like the a$$ to your H's family at your shower (having your mom tell them to leave--seriously?)
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
...or you could just try explaining more...
Just saying.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yes, it's quite obvious the "go to hell" was after the shower. That's not the part that needed clarification. What we need to know is what issue it was that your in-laws were waiting around to talk to you about and what specifically it was that your MIL did or said to prompt you to tell her to go to hell. Is all of this because you felt they had a poor attitude about the shower, or was this the culmination of months or years of tension and animosity between you and your husband's family? All we're saying is that, considering the information you provided, it sounds like you were completely out of line. If there is more information that might change our perception of the situation, by all means, give it to us!
If you're still reading instead of stomping your feet because you didn't get the validation you wanted, all I can suggest is marriage counseling. The problem is either that you have unrealistic expectations and poor communication skills, or your husband's family treats you badly and he lets them do it. In either case, it's a big problem and posting about it on a message board isn't going to make it better.
I think there are two "issues" here. First, the OP clearly likes to be the center of attention, and doesn't understand that HER milestone moments (like wedding and childbearing/birth) are not as important to everybody else as they are to her. She also doesn't like sharing her "shine." So, issue #1 is the OP.
Here's the second issue.
Her H is a man-child who can't tell either his wife or his family when they need to shut up and grow up.
OP, what do you do? You grow the heck up. Your wedding and your childbearing is not the center of everybody's world like it was/is for you. They "hosted" a shower for you (or something, I'm still not really clear on the details), which is enough.
You come across as a judgmental child when you say things like, "They had a rushed courthouse wedding," and "They didn't even play the games!"
What do they mean by manning up? There is no rock and a hard place since he is not married to his family. Why didn't he ask them to nicely leave so you could rest? Were you acting like a witch? Why is he disappointed in you? Does he expect you to be nice to them, but they can treat you like crap at your shower? Are you a sensitive person by nature?
I don't care who is trying to steal your shine and neither should you. Why isn't your DH asking his bro what is up with the comments and faces. Also, what are these comments?
I was referring to the "talk" afterwards. I'm not going to cry if my IL's sit there and don't mingle at a babyshower... unless they are tears of joy.
I still really really want to know what the talk was about.
I agree OP is an AW and BSC, but I really don't think her IL's sitting there refusing to leave after her babyshower and demanding to talk, when she doesn't want to, is right. I think they're all wrong.