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Usually I like my in-laws...
but recently, they have been getting on my nerves.
DH and I are both 25. We've only been married for 6 months, yet it seems like EVERYTIME we spend time with his parents, they mention babies/grandkids.
My MIL is one of 4 and her two sisters are grandmas already, and her brother is on his way to being a grandpa.
I get it, she wants to be a grandmother, but we will not be the first...
DH has 3 brothers, 2 older and 1 younger. The oldest got married in July, he and his wife are TTC. DH and I are not planning on TTC until 2012 at the earliest.
We have 5 weddings to go to next year, I'm a bridesmaid in two of them, and I personally don't want to be a pregnant bridesmaid (nothing wrong with it, I just don't want to be one). ALSO, we'd like to be married for a while before we have kids. AND between our house and student loans, we barely have enough money to support ourselves, let alone another person.
I just wish my in-laws would understand that...
Examples of comments:
We were at DH's oldest brother's house, my FIL said that DH's SIL and I should have a competition to see who gets pregnant first. (supposedly a joke, but I dunno...)
Yesterday, I was feeling sick so I didn't go to church, but I was feeling better enough to go over to the in-laws' house for dinner... FIL asked if I had been sick in the morning or all day, because they were hoping it was morning sickness...
DH and I have previously made it clear that we are planning on waiting a while, but it just seems to have not sunk in at all with his parents.
What do I do?
Re: Usually I like my in-laws...
Tell you H to talk to your parents - "Mom/Dad, can you please back off on the baby comments, we are not planning to have kids for awhile and when we do we want it to be our decision, because we're ready for them, not because we feel pressure from you".
I agree with lil'blackdress - your husband should talk to them privately and tell them to stop with all the baby comments.
However, you can also prepare yourself with polite but pointed comebacks for their comments. For example:
We were at DH's oldest brother's house, my FIL said that DH's SIL and I should have a competition to see who gets pregnant first. (supposedly a joke, but I dunno...) - "Well, I sure hope SIL wins that competition seeing as how DH and I don't want kids yet!"
Yesterday, I was feeling sick so I didn't go to church, but I was feeling better enough to go over to the in-laws' house for dinner... FIL asked if I had been sick in the morning or all day, because they were hoping it was morning sickness... "Just a cold, thank goodness!"
Ditto this second part too! This is what I do (usually it's people at work that make the comments which is really weird) but the bluntness tends to shut them up.
Your DH should definitely be the one to handle it with them: "Mom, Dad, we get it that you want grandchildren, but we aren't planning on having them for several more years. The hints are really starting to rub us both the wrong way, and I'm asking you to stop now."
Then you and he come up with your action plan: if they make a hint or a comment, are you going to leave immediately? Call them out on it? Whatever you decide to do, be firm and consistent. Not nasty, but clear that you will not discuss this topic.
Also, don't explain yourselves. Don't even go into the issue of when you're a bridesmaid in a wedding or how much debt you have or how long you want to be married first. When you start giving reasons, you're engaging the conversation and sending the message that this is a topic you're willing to discuss.
I agree with what the PP have said. You need to be direct and simply tell them, "we aren't ttc yet, and won't be for a few years, so please stop the pressure". Nothing wrong with putting it out there...and if asking nicely doesn't work, tell them, "back the hell off, I want to enjoy marriage before we bring kids into the mix"....but, see, I'm just a tadbit more direct than some would be (with this subject anyway).
Good luck to you!
There's an important point here...
when you engage someone in the discussion, they have reason to think that they have a say in said discussion.
If you're giving them reasons and engaging, they think they can participate in the discussion.
Don't engage.
Your DH should have a talk with them that sounds like this. "We understand that you want to be grandparents, but your hints and jokes about wife and I having a baby are not funny and are making us uncomfortable. If you continue, we'll just have to see less of you."
Then follow through. So if you see them regularly, and they make comments, cut down to "holidays only." When they invite you over, your H should say "no dad, I meant what I said about the pregnancy jokes. It's not enjoyable to sit and listen to them, so we'll have to decline your invite...to come down for the weekend, to come over for dinner," etc.
I agree with being nice the first couple of times. After that, just tell them that for every comment, you're going to delay having kids by x number of months. I'm sure they're just excited at the prospect of being grandparents, and hopefully your BIL and SIL will come through soon and take the pressure off you.
I usually tell people that we're really enjoying being married right now and it just being the 2 of us, cause once we have kids we'll never be alone again. And people usually nod their heads and agree with us. Subject closed.
Good luck!
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I deal with a similar issue to, although we are the first married of our siblings. The problem with my DH answering the questions is that my MIL corners me when the two of us are alone. But I just say, in a couple years when we're ready, and she usually drops the issue for a little while. Even if she starts to talk about how much she can't wait for us to have children or how much she loves baby stuff I just nod and don't respond.
Good luck - you're not alone in your frustration!
I have a similar situation with an Aunt of mine. Before my husband and I were even engaged she was asking when the babies were coming! I was especially snarky one day at a relative's baby shower when she started in on me...she said something to the effect of "you should be next". I snapped back with "since when is my uterus any of your business?" She hasn't mentioned babies since... sometimes being polite doesn't get your point across. Make a gross joke of it...your MIL & FIL will probably be so embarrassed they will drop the subject, permanently.