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ohh how I wish this was MUD - advice/opions please (long)
I know I haven't been around in a while - no matter how much I kep telling myself "life will get better after this week at work, it will get better after that...." it always seem to be flying by faster than I can think :-p
Anyways, I have a Thanksgiving problem:
- MOH (best friend) and I always do Thanksgiving together. She is unsure if she will be able to make it up this year, but right now, she is 50/50.
- For the last few years, I have made Thanksgiving dinner for some of my friends. One friend who has come every year (we'll call him S) is a pretty good friend. S comes over at least once/month to hang out, play games - in general S is pretty close to DH and I. S has come to my Thanksgiving dinners for 3 or 4 years now. S has already been invited, and accepted, an offer to my Thanksgiving dinner this year. We are keeping it small, but we told our guests that they can bring a date.
- I just found out this week that S is interested in K (a mutual friend). I have a very strong suspicion that S is going to ask me if K can join us.
here's the problem:
So, about 5 years ago, MOH lived out here, she got to know K. MOH and K were actually really really close, MOH considered K to be her closest friend here. When I moved out here, I met K, but then she kind of disappeared, so I didnt' think much about it. MOH moved about an hour away, she attempted to keep in contact with K, but K would not return her phone calls/e-mails, so MOH gave up.
Earlier this year, K re-appeared again, and has been around our circle of friends. I mentioned it to MOH that K had reappeared - MOH attempted to contact K, with no response again.
I mention to K that MOH was coming up for my bridal shower, and that we should all get together (I'm still not close to K, but I know her and MOH were really close). K pulled me off to the side and told me "I don't really want to see MOH. I was going through a really tough time in my life, and she kept calling/e-mailing and asking me if I was OK. I feel like a good friend would have just left me alone." (her words...I don't know why someone would assume a good friend would abaondon someone in their time of need, but that's her issue). She also told me that she had NOT talked to MOH about this, and didn't want me to say anything.
Now I'm kinda pissed at K, I really want her to be an adult and actually talk to MOH, but I decided it was not my place - besides, K wasn't even invited to my wedding.
So now, there is a (slight, but still possible) chance that MOH and K will both be at my thanksgiving dinner. MOH would be estatic since she really wants to re-connect with K and has no clue how K feels, K would be pissed because she would just prefer to ignore MOH for the rest of her life.
Should I tell S he can't bring K? Should I tell S he can bring K, but warn her that MOH might be there (which would be weird, since S only knew K and MOH when they were friends and probably doesn't suspect bad blood between them)? If K does come, should I tell MOH that she is coming? (that would probably sway MOH to come, unless I told MOH what K told me).
Grr...I hate it when people can't be adults...Part of me just wants MOH and K to come, without knowing the other one will be there so they have to grow up and actually TALK...
Anyways - somehow getting opions from radom people online is soothing, so I'm asking you guys who are completely removed from the situation...
Re: ohh how I wish this was MUD - advice/opions please (long)
It sounds like that is a lot of immature drama. It also sounds like K has some deeper issues with MOH that she is not letting on. Why else would she be OK just letting her drop off the face of the Earth without having a problem with it? My guess is that something happened between the two of them and she doesnt' want to address it and that MOH doesn't have a clue about it.
As far as who to bring, my general feeling is that it is not your job to be the peacemaker. I wouldn't tell anyone. What is the alternative? Tell MOH that she is not coming and have her not come? It seems like MOH is more important in your life. So, I wouldn't tell her. I would just let her come and if K comes than let it be. They can deal with their issues.
yeah - I know it's probably for the best to stay out of it.
I guess part of me just hopes that S will bring K, then "casually" talking to MOH mention "ohh yeah, me, DH, S, J, and K will be there" - because I know MOH would come if K was there. Then they'd have to be face to face.
It kinda sucks, 'cause every once in a while MOH will ask me about how K is doing, and I really feel stuck in the middle, and I don't hide anything from MOH - she knows when I'm lying/hiding something from her!
I'd say definitely let S brink K. As PP said, K may not come because she will assume that MOH will be there.
K never told you exactly what happened between her and MOH, so if MOH asks, you can tell her that K was invited. It wouldn't be lying. I'd say just let it happen. K needs to grow up.
Good job not trying to get in the middle of this silliness.
Honestly, I would let S invite K, but let S know that MOH may be coming. Or, if you see/talk to K after S asks her to join for Thanksgiving, just let her know that MOH may be coming.
Yeah, it may not be your place, but even if you act oblivious, there will be tension on Thanksgiving if both K and MOH are there. I would think it would be best to forewarn K so she can make a decision on whether or not to attend. While cutting off contact from a friend without warning is pretty crappy, it's not worth creating more tension by forcing contact between K and MOH.
In all honesty, this will probably play out just fine. When K finds out that MOH will be there, she probably will decline the invitation.
Do the creep.
Continue to stay out of it. :-/ Let them all handle it themselves, and you just worry about serving up a delicious meal for whoever shows up.