Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Low sex drive in Husband
Lately I have been getting frustrated by the fact that my husband never initiates sex and we rarely ever do it. Before we got married, he would be all over me (grabbing me, flirting with me, etc.) and as annoying as it was sometimes, I really wish he would be like that again. I finally asked him about it and he sais that he has no sex drive. He literally has no desire to have sex.
Obviously, I became very hurt by this thinking it is my fault. I mean, we have been married since May-we should be all over each other! As much as he has tried to talk to me about how it isn't me, it is him. I can't help but think it is me.
Is anyone, or has anyone, gone through this? If so, do you have advice on how to overcome this situation?
Re: Low sex drive in Husband
My H gets like this if things are really busy, if he's really stressed at work or just feels like he has no time for anything, then sex seems forced and it just puts him into the "I'm not in the mood category" Could this be the case? When this happens for us we just have to take a day to actually set aside to relax, have a bath together, sit down for a nice meal, have a glass of wine...it usually takes his mind off of everything else so that he can get in the mood.
Date nights are great, they give time to focus on each other, you can put on something sexy and not feel rushed, or try initiating in the morning when you both have less on his mind (as long as you give enough time to still get ready for work, if it's a mass rush after the sex it's just going to add stress).
How old is he? My husband talked to his psychologist about his low sex drive and the doctor told him that men of his age (27) often experience a drop in testosterone.
Just something you might consider.
Men can get like this, as PPs have mentioned, when they're stressed and tired. Check out your diet too -- if you guys are living on takeout because you're both too tired to cook, that can be a source of it; healthy food = healthy body = healthy sex drive.
Get a hotel room. Seriously. One of the reasons vacation sex is so awesome is because you're outside of your normal familiar area. It doesn't have to be far away, even just the next city over....but the change of scenery can really help. Also, the fact that you're taking time out of your lives just for shaggin' can be a big turn-on for men. If you have some smokin' lingerie that he's never seen you in before, you might wanna bring that along.
(FTR, I think that was a pretty *** move you pulled to not have sex with him till your wedding night after he was probably used to getting it regularly. I think I can guess your reasons -- you wanted it to be extra-hot from all the built-up tension, right? Still, no bueno.)
My H and I have struggled with the same thing, also newlyweds--I have felt bad at times, thinking its me or something I did etc. It appears it has been when he is super stressed or perhaps I have been on the bitchy side;) both resulting from stress in general. It seems to go in spurts though, hang in there and communication/honesty is key!!
I am going through the same thing right now. he has always had a low sex drive and is really busy at work. I just ask him every night...he usually says no (which is a real blow to the esteem) but I figure I have to keep up the interest. For our anniversay I did get a hotel room where we stayed the night of the wedding and it did spark something for awhile.
But am I the only one who has that scary thought in my mind that there could be someone else.
Were you living together before you got married?
If so, was there a discussion about this sex moratorium? How did your DH feel about it?
I think he might be carrying a bit of resentment about it and that is hurting his desire to be intimate. I think it is time to to ask him flat out what is going on in his head and when he tells you, you can't get angry or defensive, you just have to listen to him and figure out a way through.
As a guy I would agree with most of the above,
Also try doing the things you used to do when you were just dating. Go see a movie and have a date night. Also maybe try a few activities that get his testosterone and let him show you some manly skills. Maybe a weekend camping or some hiking. I love when I get to show off for my wife by setting up the tent, choping some wood, and building up a fire. I guess it just stokes my ego a bit. Then we make some smores and then some love. Anyway here's hoping for you and your DH.
Good Luck!
As a guy I definitely concur. Us guys think this is pretty messed up.