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Ideas on what to do about DH
Let me start off by saying that I know this is a DH problem. I'm hoping to get some insight from you on how to handle my DH and also handle future encounters with my MIL. My MIL is very overbearing, intrusive, passive-agressive, and worst of all, feels entitled.
My husband and I are spending Thanksgiving apart from each other this year, strange I know...but that's just how it has to be this year. His sister has been in Americorps in Montana since May and she just got home yesterday and will be home until the end of the year. Also, DH has to work the day after Thanksgiving.
My brother is flying in from Boston this Saturday and is staying with us until Tuesday when we drive 3 hours to spend Thanksgiving and a couple of days with our family. I will also get to meet my twin cousins for the first time (just born in October). So, DH and I made the decision that he would just stay home with his family and sister and my bro and I would drive to my parents and spend time with them.
2 weekends ago MIL came over for brunch. 5 minutes in the door she says to me "I suppose I should tell you this since I'm pretty sure DH didn't relay the message on to you. The Sunday before Thanksgiving, you guys are going to come over for Church, then we're going to brunch and then we are spending the day at the Arboretum."
I said "Well, my brother is going to be in town, so I don't think that's going to work." She said, "Well, he will come along". I said "I can tell you that he will not want to come along, so I guess I'll call D&R (his BFF and fiance) to see if maybe he can go there for the day." She said, "Well D&R can just come too." I said no and that we would figure things out.
After she left, I brought it up to my DH and explained why it is so important to check with me before he makes plans like that. He said that he understood and he wasn't thinking. I'm trying to be flexible and I don't want to be a nagging wife, but I'm really upset that he did this, and I'm really upset that MIL doesn't seem to care that my bro will be here. As long as she gets what she wants, then she is fine. She KNOWS that she has to ask me about plans - we've talked about several times before because DH goes on auto-pilot around her and makes promises without knowing what he's committing to.
I found out today that D&R are busy this weekend and will not be around for me to drop my bro off. I feel bad just leaving him at our house, but I'm 99.9% sure he would be okay with just vegging out on our couch...but still. He's only met my in-laws like 3 times, and he has no desire to spend the day with them.
I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and hard place. I know that MIL just wants to spend time with DH & I together for Thanksgiving, but at the same time it's like she has no respect that my brother will be in town (whom I only see maybe 2 times a year). She even mentioned yesterday that she wanted us to stay for dinner on that Sunday too! I told her that we couldn't do that. I've talked to DH 2 times about how I'm upset about this, but he doesn't want to have to deal with his mom so he just wants me to suck it up.
Any suggestions on what to do? Should we just do the thing on Sunday to be flexible and keep the peace? Part of me just wants to call her and tell her we can't do it and pick another date. But she'll throw a giant fit and pout, and make DH's Thanksgiving at home a living hell.
Ugh. Thanks in advance for your advice.
Re: Ideas on what to do about DH
No, I would not "just do the thing on Sunday to be flexible and keep the peace." By doing that, you're teaching your MIL that she can railroad over all of your prior plans, that your plans don't matter, and that if she is b*tchy enough, she can get her way. Do you REALLY want to set that precedent? If you don't go, and the consequence is that your MIL makes your DH's Thanksgiving a living h*ll, maybe next time he'll learn to consult you for plans!
It would also be a big thing for me that my MIL did not ASK me, but instead TOLD me what I was doing.
You had plans with your brother first. He is your guest. He doesn't want to hang out with your ILS. That is PERFECTLY reasonable. The fact that you are splitting holidays is also something that works out for your MIL in her favor, so while she can complain that she won't see the two of you, she's seeing her son on Thanksgiving. What mother would complain about that? AND you live close enough that she can expect to see you over the weekend!
It's nice (I suppose) that she wants to see the two of you, but she has to see the two of you at a time that works for YOU. This weekend does not work. So you'll have to arrange another time. Personally, if I were you, I'd have a full calendar for the holidays and tell her after the New Year!
My opinion: you already made plans and I wouldn't stiff the people you made the plans with.
I'd tell her exactly that and wow, you bet your H should have run this past you first before he committed to anything.
That he wants you to suck it up means "This is the way it is because I'm too chickensh!t to tell my mother no." You bet it's an H problem and I'd make sure to nip it in the bud NOW.
I don't understand why you don't just say "plans changed, brother is in town, we can't make it."
There seems to be a lot of other layers and unspoken expectations happening that you feel scared to mess with.
You don't have to follow along if you don't want to. Your DH's atuo-pilot is only "on" because it works for him. Plugged-in takes a lot more work.
Good luck with that.
I agree with PPs, you are giving this woman WAY too much power and she knows it. That's why she makes demands because you cave into them! You don't need to explain ANYTHING to her. "Sorry that will not work for us." and that's it.
I agree with you, I think you have a DH problem, but you also have a you problem here too. Stop giving her what she wants, the more you do the more she will keep "demanding" you to do things. Why wouldn't she - she knows her method works.
I completely agree with PPs. Keep your plans with your brother. You don't need to explain anything to her, you are an adult and you can spend your time the way you like. If it makes Thanksgiving a living h"ll for your H, who cares? He's the one that created the mess to begin with, he can be a big boy and deal with it. You definitely need to be having a nice talk with your H and laying things out there. He needs to understand that you come first over mommy, and that means consulting you on plans before they are made.
Also, is the reason you guys split for the Thanksgiving a DH problem as well? Do you rotate holidays, or usually spend that time with his family? Either way, I see an issue that he doesn't want to stay with you, but that does also go both ways.
You have out of town company. No, you cannot abandon him to spend the day with your MIL, and no,you don't drag him along.
Tell your dh to have a great time without you; and you and your brother have a nice day.
We do rotate holidays. This Thanksgiving year is his families year with us, but I wanted to spend time with my bro who I haven't seen yet this year and also meet the babies. So this was our compromise. It's not that he doesn't want to spend the holiday with me and vice versa. This is just how it's working this year. We're doing our own Thanksgiving together when I get back the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I don't want to make him feel bad that he wants to spend time with his sister, just as I don't want him to make me feel bad that I want to spend time with my brother.
Thanks everyone for your advice. DH is going to call his mom tomorrow - we're going to go to church and do brunch, but no Arboretum. My bro will most likely sleep in until noon anyways...
The more you give in then the more she thinks her behavior works. This is also the same for your DH. If you want to teach him to check with you first then don't go along with the plans. You seem to want to be the nice guy, but you are really setting yourself to be miserable in the long run. Regardless if your bro wants to sleep until noon it isn't the point. You need to both feel ok with spending time with family members without each other being present.
This really will be one more in the long line of resentful things unless you just simply say, "sorry, I've made other plans for my Sunday." I wouldn't even do half a day with either of them.
DH made this mess, DH cleans it up. Logical consequences. It's really very simple. Your MIL will make it very unpleasant for him, he'll be emasculated at your lack of cooperation and eventually he will learn to grow a backbone around his mother. If you go along, just this once to keep the peace, he won't learn from the experience.
I'm w/ doglove, this is a "you" problem too. why are you explaining everything to her? Why do you feel you have to do ANY of these plans just because your DH said 'yes'?
It's really simple- you just say "Oh,unfortunately, I won't be able to make it". Period, end of story. Your DH can still go - but you stay w/ your brother.
The fact that you're even doing church and brunch - she wins. She knows she can bully you, and your DH also knows that you'll give in and compromise.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm just shocked that you would fall for this pushy, aggressive behavior. She ADMITTED that she bullied her son into saying yes without consulting you. She's clearly telling you what to do and telling everybody else what to do when you raise legitimate conserns.
So after she tells her son what to do, and then tells you what to do (because she knows he won't share the plans with you - I guess she's just doing you a favor then) you go ahead and do what she says to do. With no regard to your own wishes and preferences.
And your big consern at saying "no" to this aggressive, pushy behavior is that she's be pushy, angry and aggressive at the holiday. So, she's a bully when she tells you what to do and a bully when you say no. So, you'll just cave and do what she wants. But you have told her to stop doing that and you've told your DH to stop caving and you have your fingers crossed that it won't keep happening and in the meanwhile you'll cave, too.
Good luck with that.
And your H needs to fix this mess. She makes his Thanksgiving miserable? Good, he deserve it. Next time he'll man up.
I completely agree with everyone. She is a bully and my DH has no backbone. I just need to work up enough backbone myself to stand my ground. She is just so scarey and imagining the aftermath makes me sick...lame I know, but she really is just so difficult.
Ugh... Thanks again everyone. I really do appreciate your advice, and I'm going work on myself too.
I would be so off-put by the sheer cheek of somebody TELLING me what I was doing on X day that there's just no way in the world I'd be willing to compromise.
My response would have been, "Wow, MIL, DH and I never discussed those plans. Unfortunately, as we'll have out-of-town company that day, we won't be able to make it, but we'll be happy to reschedule for a time that's convenient for all of us."
No explanations, no justifications, no knuckling under to her bullying. You teach people how to treat you, and if you want her to treat you like a doormat, by all means keep lying down for her to walk all over you!
And as for the "DH on autopilot" thing...not checking plans with you first is not as uncomfortable for him as saying "No" or "Let me get back to you" to his mother. So...make it uncomfortable. Don't go with him if he signs you up for something without your knowledge or consent.
The worst that can happen is that she gets angry. She can't take your house away. She can't get you fired. She can't do anything tangible that would have a lasting effect on your lives. She can get angry and never see you again, or she can get over it. You have the upper hand in this situation, not her.
You need to read your DH the riot act if he lets this continue. I mean it. Don't put up with this shizz from either of them.
You need to say no to the whole day. Your DH can go if he wants, but it would be incredibly rude of you to ditch your brother for any part of the day, no matter what time you think he will sleep in until.
I just got off the phone with my MIL and told her that I was not going to do the thing this Sunday. She said "Oh, I completely understand because you don't get to see your brother that often." I apologized for telling her in such short notice, but that I was caught off guard when she brought it up initially.
She then tried to tell me that she never said that she already set plans in stone with DH prior to talking to me. That is not true. She said that she had already talked to him a couple of times and that is what we were doing. I think she was just trying to cover for him because I've been upset with him about it.
Anyways, all is good, and there was no "aftermath". You never know when the aftermath will happen, and this obviously was not a time she was feeling fiesty enough to make it happen! THANKFULLY!
This is a great lesson for me that I need to just stand my ground up front because this aftermath may not even happen. Maybe she is more flexible than I think and my DH is making it worse than it really is.
Thank you again everyone!
What do you mean, your DH is making it worse than it is?
Never mind, I saw. I get the feeling that you kowtow to your husband as much as he kowtows to his mother. If you do what you want and he has to deal with his mother doing... whatever it is she does, so what? Is that really your problem, ever?
Kuus, I'm sorry I don't know what kowtow means. I just meant that when I bring up an issue about my MIL to my DH, he doesn't want to deal with it and makes it sound like she's going to throw the biggest fit ever. By him making it worse than it really is, I meant that he is assuming she's going to react a certain way, when she might actually react a complete different way than he thought.