Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
opposite mothers
I don't know what to do. My mother is super outgoing, and friendly. She can make friends and have fun with just about anyone. My husband's mother is completely opposite. She and her husband never go out or do anything. She always thinks that people are talking about her (she had a period of time where she had like 5 jobs in like 3 years), she doesn't even get along with her own family (doesn't speak to her brother or sister - neither were invited to our wedding). And she is offended when my mom is friendly and talkative to her. What am I supposed to do about this? My husband thinks my mom is overbearing to his parents. I think they are just overly sensitive. He wants me to confront my mom about this. I think that its his mom's problem.
Re: opposite mothers
Personally my parents and ILs arent around each other enough to know and I like it that way, they are also very different.
Your H needs to handle his parents and just say they are outgoing people that's just the way they are. As long as they aren't being rude or anything I just wouldn't worry about something like this. If you felt the need to you could just tell you parent's "H's parents are really shy could you just tone it down a bit." If you think that wouldnt hurt their feelings.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
She is "offended" that your mom talks to her? And your DH thinks this is your mom's problem. Hmmm.... Nice.
I almost don't even know how to respond. I seriously can't believe your DH thinks yhou need to "confront" your mom on this.
I think you both need to just keep out of it and let the two of them figure out their own relationship.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Is your mom asking questions that MIL might perceive as too personal? Or is she 'over-sharing?' I can see how that might be offensive... but being charismatic isn't in and of itself an offense.
I keep reading through this and what I keep coming back to is this:
Either:
a) your mom really is being overbearing and needs to tone it down a bit- what is friendly to one person is intrusive to another, etc.
or
b) your mom is being fine, there is nothing she could change to be less offensive to your MIL, and you married a man who either shares his mother's outlook or believes that it's okay to call out an innocent other party to placate an unreasonable person.
or
c) your mom is overbearing, your MIL is oversensitive, and neither you nor your husband can see your respective mothers' faults because you're busy looking at your respective MIL's faults.
Do some thinking on your own here of what you know about each of these people. Have other people had issues with feeling your mom is overbearing? Can you see where your mom and MIL could rub each other the wrong way? How does your husband usually handle his mother- does he tend to think his mom is unreasonable and not go along with it, and on this one thing he's agreeing that yes, your mom needs to tone down? Or does he tend to jump to his mom's defense, even if you (or he) thinks it's unreasonable? Is your resistance due to the fact that you've thought it through and don't feel your mom has done anything wrong, or does it come from feeling defensive that your mom is being painted as the bad guy?
Then, have a discussion with your husband. Regardless, there's a disconnect between the two of you going on here. Have a calm discussion about it- see if you can bridge the gap together. Use specifics to support where you're coming from- things like, "I felt like mom was just trying to tell your mom she was invited for Christmas dinner- I really don't see how she was pressuring your mom to attend, and I can't think of any wording that could make a difference," instead of things like "She never goes out and does anything" or "She's just that friendly with everyone".
Unless you are forcing your two families to spend time together, it's none of your business.
And if you ARE forcing them to spend time together, then don't do it.
Either way, it's not your job to have them be friends. They don't NEED to be friends.
I'd also love to hear the other side of this...I have afeeling it isn't as simple as you make it sound.
BUT...I think you should tell your H he'd better have a talk with HIS parents and tell them to loosen up!
Why is this such an issue? Are they around each other all the time?
My parents would not be friends with my in-laws if DH and I weren't married to each other. They get on well when they're together, and they respect and like each other, but their relationship is totally based on the fact that their children are married and they now have grandchildren in common.
Just because their children got married to each other doesn't mean they have to be best friends, or share all holidays together from now till the end of time. You and your DH are both way too invested in their relationship, and you need to back off a bit. If you're pushing them to be together by inviting them both to the same events, stop. Go to dinner with one set of parents at a time. Divide your holidays. Don't try to force square pegs into round holes!
Ditto this. I would love to hear some examples!
Did your MIL say something to your DH? Is that why he came to you about the 'issue'? If so, MIL is creating marrital drama and that is wrong of her.
If not, DH should not get involved. Everybody and every family dynamic is different in some way. That doesn't mean that just because someone is opposite of you, you have to tell them to change or 'adjust' to how you'd like.
If your mom has said asked personal questions that MIL may find offensive, all MIL has to respond is, "I'd rather not share that" or "Questions like those make me uncomfortable". Just because MIL and your mom are not similar, does not mean that your mom should get a slap on the wrist from you and that is certainly not DH's call.
Your MIL might have some problems that your dh has dealt with for years. He figures the best way to handle her is to protect her. Your Mom can easily forgo being talkative to a woman who clearly does not want the attention. This is not a slam against your Mom, but it can be overbearing to an introvert. I'd respect her wishes and keep contact to the bare minimum. Your Mom probably thinks the more she tries to engage this woman the chances she can be friends. It isn't rude to ignore someone who clearly wants to be ignored. Who knows your Mom might be exhausted trying to be friendly to her and be glad to give up. Last thing your Mom wants to be is offensive.(even if it is just in MIL's mind)
This.
I have an in law who everyone says is just friendly and talkative. I find her intrusive, over sharing and a poor respector of boundaries. My in-law doesnt pick up on cues that the other person is uncomfortable, continues to be overly friendly and in other peoples personal space even when anyone else would notice how uncomfortable the other person was, she over shares, tells borderline offensive stories and then if anyone is upset or offended puts it on them.
Im thinking maybe you mom has some boundary issues combined with your MIL having some social issues.