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Oh, good grief. WDYT?
Warning, this is likely to be long. Then again, when is one of my posts not?
Anyway...
BIL on E's side, very nice kid. 23 years old, and on & off for years with his GF, who's about a year older than he is. It's always been volatile, with the two of them either planning to get engaged or breaking up, that extreme. I got along well with her when we first met, she was a party girl & immature, but decent enough & fun. "Hot Topic" type, basically. We bonded over both using the same guy to make our custome vampire fangs.
Anyway, at our wedding, she told us that she'd had a pregnancy scare that turned out to be an unrelated gyno issue and "whew." It'd been possible because they got drunk & had unprotected sex, though. Yikes.
Two months later, she was pregnant. Another "get drunk and have unprotected sex" issue. We're obviously not dealing with the brightest lights here. Or mature types. Well, once she got pregnant, BIL really stepped it up, at least toward the end of the pregnancy and now that he's got a baby. He works 3 jobs (he'd been a clerk at Staples) to pay the bills and make sure they're all OK. She was working through a temp agency as a night receptionist at Skadden Arps, a monster NYC law firm. She's back there again, part time I think.
Neither one has health insurance.
But that's kind of all background. They came to our crawfish boil in June, and it was the first time that I felt like BIL's gf was standoffish to me. I gave her a gift for the nephew, who was there too, and she just shoved it in her bag without saying thank you. BIL said it, he was raised with manners. She apparently was not. And that was after I also mailed her a gift after the baby was born, and a Mother's Day card, and then ended up calling her to make sure the stuff wasn't lost because she never said thanks.
Then in July, we were at E's friend's wedding & they were there. I had another gift for the baby. She made some crude, stupid joke about it and shoved it in her bag. BIL said thank you. About 2 minutes later, BIL's gf said something, I forget how it came up in conversation, when she was standing with me, E, and BIL talking, about how Jews are cheap and no fun. E's jaw dropped. BIL's jaw dropped. I just stared at her until she realized what she'd said and to whom and her voice trailed off.
No apology, of course. No comment at all.
Then BIL apparently proposed to his gf & the wedding is set for next May. I'm not ecstatic. E is very upset. He wouldn't call BIL for a couple days to congratulate them, though I tried to tell him he really had to.
They still fight a lot. BIL actually called E a few weeks ago, asking to bring the baby out here from Queens & come visit (a hell of a hike on the bus) because he needed to get away from gf. He ended up having to work & didn't come.
More recently, she'd apparently watched the "Hairography" episode of Glee, wherein the kids don large wigs to be able to "dance" using their hair. Some were big afros, some dreads, some '80s rocker. They were bad wigs. Well, BIL's gf posted a status update on her FB (yes, more FB drama) something about "Jew-fros" being scary. Or bad. Or something. E took offense and posted a comment below it to the effect of "What's scarier is anti-Semitism in 2010." BIL's gf apparently saw it or BIL did and BIL called E to try to explain (I also tried to explain, but E wasn't having it, especially in light of the July comment).
So... today I realized that BIL's gf, while not unfriending me or blocking me on FB, reset her privacy setting so I can't see her wall/status updates. She did the same to E. We can see info, photos, and some other stuff, but not the wall. E got pissed, decided he's got no use for her at all if he doesn't get the occasional nephew update & photo, so he unfriended her. Which you know will start a war.
Which makes me cringe.
We still plan to go to BIL's wedding, assuming BIL's gf doesn't convince him not to invite us. BIL was E's best man, and I can't see BIL caving on that, but guys have been known to do dumber things over a girl when they're smitten. And the poor guy is smitten, despite the fact that she sucks. No idea why.
But E says she's not welcome here. Meanwhile, I wanted to invite some people over for dinner after Christmas, including them. I told E we can't invite BIL without gf. He doesn't care. And he's stubborn.
Am I wrong? Should I be adamant about not allowing her in the house too? Is E going overboard? His brother is the one family member he really still has contact with. And I'll put up with her for that. And now there' the nephew, that I think E would really like to be involved with, except not if it means contact with BIL's gf.
Or is there no point worrying about this anyway, because as soon as she realized E unfriended her it'll start a war anyway?
Re: Oh, good grief. WDYT?
Wow, that's just crazy drama. Crazy.
I tend to agree with both you and E on this. E has a point in saying that she's not allowed in the house, since she has obviously shown that she wants no part of being welcome. But, you are right that a relationship with BIL and nephew are important. I really can't see a way that you can have those two with out Ms Crazy. But who knows? Maybe you'll invite them all, and she won't come.
But yeah, I do think there's a war that might happen over the FB thing. Good luck.
The Sand in My Snow Boots
This is kind of what I was thinking. If she wants to be eliminated from your life, she can choose not to come when you invite her. But I think you should still invite her if only to maintain a relationship with BIL and nephew.
You know, my racist aunt, who told me not to marry a black man, actually hugged Rodgers last time we saw her. And she's now friends with both of us on FB, so it's official.
I agree here. I think it's an opportunity to prove to her how wrong she is in her way of thinking, while at the same time maintaining a relationship with BIL and nephew.
On the other hand, I really applaud E for standing up for you and what he believes in. It's a tough situation to be in, I hope that it can work out somehow for you both.
Yeah, E has been awesome about standing up for me from day one. But now to figure out how to convince my stubborn husband to relent a little... I was hoping to see if my sis & BIL & his bro & gf & some other people might be able to come for dinner on 12/26. Kind of a post-Christmas-Christmas. Ugh.
Don't know if I can pull this off. I need to hit him when he's in a good mood.
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Honestly my first reaction is that she is just ignorant, not out right hateful. Even though the comments she made are disgusting, it sounds to me like she is parroting stuff she's picked up elsewhere (maybe her family?).
I appreciate that E is so offended and wants to let her know how out of line she is, but alienating family, or future family, is not a way to solve the problem. Especially given how close he and BIL are/were. Plus there is the nephew to consider.
I would try talking to E and BIL together and expressing your concerns as a group (without gf) and try to come up with a solution.
GL L. This is not a fun situation.
Oct.'13 Siggy Challenge: Cheers to Easter!
All I can say is she's crazy.
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The Ebonie version: I'd sit her happy ass down and ask her what the eff is her issue. If she can't be decent and stop being a b!tch, then she needs to figure it out quick.
The real version you should follow: maybe keep talking to E about it. I would hate for there to be a falling out over a stupid girl who apparently has no manners or sense of family. Hopefully, he'll come around. But I totally don't blame him for not wanting to be around this girl, because she's freaking nuts. I say, just keep talking about it.
Thanks, yeah, gonna try.
And I thought the biggest issue at their wedding would be seeing MIL & SFIL (there's been no contact since December '08 when MIL badmouthed me to E & he told her to go screw). I actually wasn't invited to BIL's gf's baby shower because MIL hosted it.
Y'know, I never was one of those chicks who planned the princess day wedding in my head before getting engaged or all that... but I did figure on having more family and getting along with everyone. Sigh.
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Wow.
So I tend to agree with Meg's comments- the fact that she is just ignorant (or what I like to call, an idiot) and it's not hatred. She's just a dumbass that was raised with no manners, and IMO, probably raised by parents who didn't socialize her properly to other cultures/religions...and if they did, it didn't work.
While I agree with E getting upset, I think you guys need to talk to BIL...but I would be apprehensive; if it goes the wrong way, he could see it as alienating/attacking the gf without it being intended.
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The bad side of me is with Ebonie. I like that theory.