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I'm losing my mind
i don't even know wher eto start. The following rant may be incoherant, babbling, but I'll try to explain as best I can.
I am not good at this mothering thing. I really am not. I finally lost it this morning and YELLED. She's 2 *** years old, acting like a 2 year old and i'm yelling like a crazy woman. Can't get her dressed without a fight, can't get her teeth brushed without a fight, can't get her down the stairs without the fight, boots, coats hat on without a fight. Into the carseat, fight. She's happy as a clam at Nonna's and apparently doesn't act up that way for Nonna, Andy did daycare drop-off and pickup all last week because he was off work and things were MUCH better than they are with me. I can't get her to eat normal food she eates peanutbutter sandwiches, eggs, chicken fingers and fruit and I just feel like a failure. And it's not fun, i'm not having fun and I don't really enjoy doing this. Yes, there are fun moments but you know what? THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH OF THEM
Then i had Andy. he's told *** everybody that we're expecting. We talked abotu waiting until Christmas (I'll be 14 weeks by then) but this weekend i found out he told his BIL, then he admitted he told his sister as well (not the one married to BIL). Then sinc ehis last sister was left out, we told her, meanwhile BIL is telling their kids. FFS. Then last night her comes upstairs and tells me he just told his mom. I started crying. I told him i know you're excited but I'm not there yet. i'm still scared something will go wrong, on top of that i got the talk from my doctor abotu advanced maternal age and how much of a difference it really makes. So now i'm scared there's going to be something wrong with the baby and now that he's told his family we would have to explain any decisions we made to them and they're a mixture of Catholic and Baptist. FUCKINGAWESOME.
So now I'm sitting at home, wondering whatthefuck I'm even thinking having another child when i'm a shitparent to the one I have. i can't beleive I'm going to say this, maybe my hormones are out of whack, maybe I'm just losing it but I'm not excited abotu this new baby and I feel terrible about it. right now it just feels like I'm signing myself on for a lot of work that I rarely get any joy out of.
Re: I'm losing my mind
oh sam, I want to give you a hug
. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but I don't think you're alone. There were times when my son was young that I seriously wanted to walk away. Motherhood is great, but there are times it really, really sucks, and during those sucky times it's hard to remember how good it can be.
I promise it will get better. and then worse. and then better and then...well who knows, you do the best you can.
Ugh. I feel for you. I also think her behavior and your feelings are totally normal. Last week I was running on empty and yelled at my 15-month old for crying at night. The poor kid was so startled. When he's being a pill I have a hard time believing he's not going to be that way for eternity. Fortunately, since F has been through it all before he handles it much better than I do, knowing that everything cycles.
I also feel for you on the whole AMA situation. I had almost every screening and diagnostic test I could (quad screen, NTS, amnio) so I could 'enjoy' being pregnant without worrying.
There are so many times in my life when I feel inadequate and no good at what I'm doing, even though it's not true. I imagine parenthood is similar. I have a hard time beleiving you are a bad parent (because I know you so well, LOL). I think the fact that you are worried about all of this speaks volumes.
I would be livid with my H if he told everyone about a pregnancy before I was comfortable. I'd kick him right in the front teeth.
11/11/11 = 5 years. Woah!
Please don't feel bad. My sister called me one day last week to tell me my 18 month old niece was being a biitch (niece was napping and out of earshot at the time). My sister was in crisis because she was like, "Isla is such a pain in the asss and sometimes I really just don't like her. What the eff is wrong with me that I can say that about my child?!?!'. In my sister's defense, my niece is a very difficult kid and is so freakin' strong willed.
I think all parents have moments of 'what have I done? My life will never be calm and easy again'. I know I'm dreading the terrible twos. And I felt kind of bad earlier this week when I realized that, in many ways, my favorite time of the day is after Miles has gone to sleep and I can finally just sit down in peace and watch How I Met Your Mother with no one pestering me.
They have a way of knowing when we're on the brink of our breaking points and they know just.how.to.push those final last buttons to send you over the edge.... Waaaaaaay easier said than done, but she can feel your tension building and her response is to act shittier. You guys will figure it out. These weeks in the 1st trimester are the worst, Sam. It gets so much better and so much easier.
You gotta start by being more gentle on yourself. You are a great mother. Stop beating yourself up. We all have sh!t days and don't react the best way everytime. Hell, scroll down a few posts to when she was being a love and wanted you to lay on her sunny beach with her. The crap times come and they go and there are going to be lots more of them... But dude, the sweet, funny, loving times make every second (good or bad) worth it.
You are not a bad mom! I got mad at B this morning because he hit me with the hairbrush that I gave to him. He doesn't know any better...he is just acting like a 15 month old.
Try not to get stressed out about the pregnancy. Everything will be fine! Advanced maternal age my ass. My SIL had her last baby at 41 and she is fine!
I can see being upset at Andy for telling people. Do you feel like you have to be "fair" and tell your family now?
Oh man, Sam, don't beat yourself up too much. This was me just a few weeks ago. The whole pacifier/no sleeping thing was making Will a little sleep deprived monster and I just didn't know how to handle it. There were a few naptimes that involved yelling and screaming from both of us. I think one thing that we were having issues with was boundary setting - we'd give in on some things on the off chance that it would get him to GO TO SLEEP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. But some nights we'd give in and some nights we wouldn't, and we weren't consistent between the two of us, and I think it was just making everything worse. We sat down and figured out what we were going to say yes to and set up a routine that we wouldn't deviate from.
Things have been a lot better since then, and we've started trying the same approach to non-sleep situations - just trying to have answers, reactions, punishments all figured out before something actually happens, so it's easier to keep a level head. So maybe you and Andy can figure out what she does that makes you the most insane and figure out what you'll say/do when she does it, so when it happens you can sort of go on autopilot.
And I'd be pretty upset about him telling. I didn't tell people at work until I was 15 or 16 weeks and we had the results of our genetic screenings back because I was afraid something would be wrong and we'd decide to terminate the pregnancy. And with what you guys have already been through, you think he'd know.
Anyway. There are high highs when I feel like I'm awesome and have the best kid ever, and there are low lows when I need to go in the bathroom for a few minutes and cry. Don't feel like you're alone in this because you're not. And if you really feel like you aren't feeling the highs anymore, I don't think it would hurt to talk to a therapist to figure out if there's something else going on. Big internet hugs to you Sam.
Oh, Sam. Please join me on my "husbands are ridiculous" journey today. I will pat your hair.
I have minimal experience with toddlers, but from what I can tell, you are doing as good a job as anyone I know. Sometimes (i.e. often) toddlers are just a can of ass.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Thanks, you guys. sniff.
My mom "ran away" when I was little. I was probably 4 and my sister was a teeny tiny baby. She walked out the door and walked down the block and around the corner. It was traumatizing to me, I think it's my first vivid memory. So yes, every mother has their moments it seems.
Chin up buttercup.
This is for you, Sam.
http://www.slate.com/id/2274721/