Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Did I give crappy advice?
So my BFF fairly recently met a guy she really, really likes. As with most early relationships, they are spending all of their free time together and she is really, really happy.
A little bit of background - she has the absolute worst taste in men EVER. Most recently, she was engaged to a complete d-bag that treated her like crap. Even though I've never met the new dude (because they're in Hawaii), it sounds like he treats her really well and I can tell that she's happier than she has been in a LONG time - if not ever.
HOWEVER, I guess the new guy drinks a lot. He is a happy drunk, and doesn't turn in to a different person or drive/endanger himself or others...but he still drinks a lot. She was talking about how she's kind of bothered by it, and doesn't know if she should cut her losses before she's too attached or if she can deal with it. She stressed again how much she likes him and how much they enjoy each other's company...
SO, my advice was that as long as it's fun, and he's not hurting her/him/anyone else, why not stick it out? Basically, if she's not planning on having kids with him or getting married - if they're just hanging out and enjoying each other - since she's so happy with him, why not stay.
Obviously she's going to do whatever she wants to do, but did I give bad advice? What would you guys have said/done?
Sorry this was so long.
January 2, 2010
EDD October 10, 2013
Re: Did I give crappy advice?
How much exactly does he drink in a week? In a day? Why is he so compelled to drink? Does it make him happy when he's not? Is he trying to avoid some other feelings? Depending on how much he drinks, well, being a happy drunk doesn't make you less of an alcoholic if that's what you are.
Even if he is a happy drunk, if he's really drinking that much it means he has an addictive personality, which can make him more susceptible to other addictions in the future. Gambling, drugs, sex, hoarding, addicted to cleaning or mowing the lawn.
And if your friend is bothered by the drinking, she's not going to get less bothered with it as the relationship goes on, you know? Probably only more bothered with it.
I'm not sure I entirely agree with your advice.
Follow my book blog: Panda Reads
Follow me on Goodreads: my read shelf:
Abso-friggin-lutely. Yeah, it seems as if his drinking has been intensified by some serious family issues (his dad is dying). I'm not sure how much he drinks or how often, but regardless - if he drinks to excess every time he drinks, be it every day or one day a year, he has a problem.
I think it's only a matter of time before they break up for a myriad of reasons, but I guess I'm just so happy that she's happy that I can't say DTMFA, kwim? I know she's not going to dump right now him regardless, so that factors in - maybe I just want to play the role of the supportive friend for once, since I was very anti-d-bag fiance when they were together. Maybe I'm also relieved that this guy is the first one she's dated that isn't an emotional (or physical) abuser like ALL her previous bfs were. "Wait, he drinks A LOT...but he's not calling you a p.o.s. and threatening to kill you? AWESOME!"
I'm rambling, but I hope I'm making some sense? Either way, it's great to see her so happy but it sucks knowing it won't last long. You're completely right in that if it's bothering her already, it will only continue to get worse. Why can't she just find a normal, nice guy that treats her well??
January 2, 2010
EDD October 10, 2013
is it that he is drunk every day/night, or just that he drinks every day/night? and by drinking a lot, how much do you mean? is he to the point of passing out every night?
if it isn't interferring with his job or relationship, then it isn't the worst thing ever. and i don't necessarily agree with panda that it means a person would be more at risk to become addicted to something/anything else as well.
Since she's happy for the time being, I would just say watch out and if this guy starts becoming an unhappy drunk if you know what I mean, then talk to her more about it.
Follow my book blog: Panda Reads
Follow me on Goodreads: my read shelf:
I don't think he's drunk EVERY day, all day - but he does drink to excess every time and it happens a few times during the week (I think). Again, it's a new relationship and they're a thousand miles away and 4 hours behind, so I don't have all the details.
And I'm with you - I'm thinking as long as it's not interfering and she's kind of taking the relationship for what it is and not really planning long-term/forever...I guess it's ok...?
Yeah, this is kind of how I'm looking at it. I'm always the a-hole friend who's the first to point out a problem, and I'm not thinking of giving that up. I can tell, though, that she's really REALLY happy and that means a lot.
Thanks for your thoughts, guys. It's a crappy situation but a happy situation all at once, you know?
January 2, 2010
EDD October 10, 2013
Follow my book blog: Panda Reads
Follow me on Goodreads: my read shelf: