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Am I wrong?
So this is my first post. I've been a lurker because I've been afraid to post. But I've finally reached my limit with my fiance's family. And as I've been reading some of the posts here, I've noticed you guys give pretty good advise. So i decided to not lurk and ask you guys your opinion on the subject.
So, me and my fiance have been together for almost 6 yrs. We are engaged and planning on getting married next year. Little background on the situation, my family loves my fiance and we are both very close to my family. Easy enough since my family lives in the same town as us. But my fiance's family lives in San Jose (dad's side) and San Diego (mom's side). And through out my fiance's entire life he has been treated like an outsider on both sides of his family. His dad and mom both dislike me. Most of his dad's side dont really have an opinion either way regarding me. His mom's side (I thought) liked me. Everytime we went to visit his mom and family, they treated me great. nice and we got along. Then we took some time apart last July, he moved to be closer to his dad (he wanted to build a relationship back with him since he hadnt had one since forever even tho he lived with him all his life). Well now we are back together in our own place. His dad is mad and thinks I'm the reason why they dont have a good relationship. And his mom's side all said "We support you. As long as your happy and this is what you want then we accept it." But then about 3 days ago his grandma (mom's side) said some things regarding me and how they all really feel about me and always have. Which included how I'm the reason he never talks to his family, I made him choose his family or me, etc. Which isnt the case at all. And I'm hurt by his grandma's statements about me because it's not true. I WANT him to talk to his family, I want to be able to be considered part of his family like he is mine. I told my fiance that it hurt my feelings and it makes me feel uncomfortable at the thought of being around them now knowing they are just 2-faced to me. And he thinks its not a big deal. What they think doesnt matter, etc. because we live hours away from them. But my question is am I overreacting? Should I even care that his mom's side of the family doesnt like me? Or that they will be all nice to my face, yet when I leave talk about me? Like I said earlier I'm really close to my family and have never experienced anything like this. Where as my fiance is use to it since they treat him like the outsider all the time pretty much.
and if i spelled something wrong or didnt use proper grammer I'm sorry. Dont attack me for it.
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RSVP August 27, 2011
Re: Am I wrong?
You have a FI PROBLEM. Sorry.
But then about 3 days ago his grandma (mom's side) said some things regarding me and how they all really feel about me and always have. Which included how I'm the reason he never talks to his family, I made him choose his family or me, etc. Which isnt the case at all. And I'm hurt by his grandma's statements about me because it's not true.
To be short and sweet:
He should have your back.
When they started this funky nonsense, he should have spoken up and told them to STFU -- and that what hurts you hurts him. And he should have made sure the buck stopped right there and went no further.
That hasn't happened.
He has done nothing to proactively shut their mouths. Not indictative of somebody who is mature nor indicative of somebody of good character.
Do yourself a favor: RETHINK this guy. He is tacitly putting his family first and this is bull that's been going on for 6 years: HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
Slipping a ring onto his finger won't magically give him a backbone, maturity and balls. If you marry this guy, you'll permanently take a backseat to his family.
God helps those who helps themselves: strap on a pair and start sticking up for your rights instead of standing down on this mess. BTW, his family sounds nasty and piggish to me.
RSVP August 27, 2011
How did you find out about grandmother's statements? Were they said in front of you? In front of your fiance? Why did he call her instead of addressing the situation at the moment?
And why do you care about fitting into this obviously rude and disfunctional family?
I am probably not going to have the most popular response, but I want to play devils advocate here.
Only using what you wrote and trying to look at it from their side, here is what I see.
My son/grandson/nephew was with this girl, then they took a break. He moves away from her, to live with his father in order to create a better relationship. Just weeks/months later he moves back in with her and are now engaged.
HOW HE explained all of this to his family in the beginning (why you broke up, why you got back together, why he moved back vs you moving to him, etc) DOES affect how his family perceives you and your relationship. So it can be understandable where they may be coming from.
HOWEVER, that does not give them license to be rude or hurtful TO YOU. NOR does that mean that YOU have to sit back and take it.
While your FI does have to correct his family's beliefs and stand up for you, that does not mean that you have to sit there and allow them to attack you either.
Next time they say something to you directly (never ever respond to hearsay), calmly reply "Oh Grandma G, of course I am not trying to keep you from FI. Why do you think that?" wait for reasons and then address them ONCE "Grandma G, you have the wrong cell phone number, here is FIs correct one."
You do get to stand up for yourself.
I have seen similar things happen many times. The truth is, it is easier for his family to blame YOU for the fact that your fi doesn't call / they aren't close than it is to find fault with your fi or to actually blame themselves (gasp!) for a lack of closeness.
The most recent example I can give you is that DH's nephews were complaining that BILs girlfriend caused their dad to be distant and non-communicative, not doing things with them, etc. Now, they might not like her, but the girlfriend is a perfectly nice woman. Dh didn't tell them what he was really thinking - that BIL has been this way as long as DH has known BIL - all 49 years of his life! But its easier for the kids to blame someone else than to think that their dad really doesn't make an effort for them.
While you may be hurt, I honestly don't think that your DH will EVER convince them that you are not the reason he doesn't call. He could TELL them until he is blue in the face, and they won't believe him. Yes, he's a little douche-y b/c he doesn't want to tell his mom "oh, I'm just lazy" but its also hard to tell your parents "well, I really don't feel that close to you and I'm not really interested in calling you once a week (or once a month)."
Now that you know they don't like you (and they aren't required to LIKE you, they just have to treat you nicely and with respect), are they ACTING differently around you? Are they mean to you? Or do they treat you the same, but you now know how they feel? Because if they are treating you poorly or bad-mouthing you, then your fi must say something. Absolutely. But the fact that they are blaming you (the outsider) for their family problems while not nice, is not unusual.
I can see why your DH moved away from his family, and why he doesn't call that often! Just be happy you don't live close!
And if his mom b*tches to you, remember that it's not YOUR job to make dh call his family.
I agree with alot of these posts, your man may be passive, not got the picture or not care, and this is not good because he wasn't defending you or setting it straight. And what's worse is that now he still doesn't care much about what is worrying you.
I have had problems with my DH's family, and he started out not noticing or knowing it affected me or that it was a problem (men = mostly less emotional) but I had a serious talk with him and he was so sorry and has proactivly been helping the situation. Most of all he cares. I suggest you have a talk, because you need him to carry your cares, marriage doesn't last when it's selfish but is best when you are in it to meet the other persons needs.
You have to get through a wedding - and you want it to be as special as possible, and as you will see them for the rest of your life, you should definately do something.
I suggest making him have a phone conversaiton with each parent & the grandmother so you can listen to what your FH says and coach him beforehand on what to say, and ask. We did this, and while they didn't do a 180 I felt incredibly better that at least we'd done our bit.
This. I'd be wondering what dear old FI said to his family when you broke up. I'm sure it wasn't sunshine and roses.
My brother left his wife for a short time a couple years ago. When he came home to live with my parents, he involved our entire family in their drama. This obviously biased our opinion against his wife. When he went back to his wife, he wasn't "allowed" to talk to any of us for about a year because she blamed all of their problems on our family because we all knew about it. I have only talked to my brother once in 2 years because of this whole fiasco. I could be completely wrong (though I'm not), but his wife is the biggest reason that he doesn't have anything to do with his family. Bottom line is that whether it is true or not, it is easier to blame the person who isn't your family.
And through out my fiance's entire life he has been treated like an outsider on both sides of his family...Well now we are back together in our own place. His dad is mad and thinks I'm the reason why they dont have a good relationship.
Sadly, it sounds as if your FI is "throwing you under the bus". I have a strong suspicion that your FI is the one feeding this information to his family. I wouldn't be surprised if he is telling them that you're the reason he hasn't been in contact. It's probably easier for him to blame his strained relationship with them on you than to confront them about his feelings. IMO, he needs to discuss his issues with his family that have been brewing within him for years and not treat you as a "scapegoat" for his problems.
If he feels like an "outsider" as you've stated, then his strained relationship with his family existed before you entered the picture. It may be easier for him to blame you than to confront his entire family about his feelings of being left out. IMO, this issue is not between you and his family it's between you and him and him and his family. He should not be putting you in the middle of his family drama. I would have a long talk with him concerning this.
To ensure his family knows that YOU'RE not the reason behind the lack of contact, I would put the blame back on FI. I would state whenever around his family "I told FI to call you, I don't know why he hasn't" or "I told FI that we should visit you all more often", etc. Eventually, his family should get the point and realize that you are not the reason for the strain. Good luck.
So I read everyone's replies and sat down with FI and told him how I felt. And how it bothered me that he didnt care. So needless to say, he is calling his mother and grandma today and getting it all straightened out and making sure they all know that I have nothing to do with his lack of relationship with any of his family. And he is gonna tell his mom how he feels like she plays favorites with his sister. (we went down there for xmas one year and his sister got 3 pairs of $100 pants, $700 video camera, $300 necklace, and a bunch more stuff from their mom while FI got a pair of pants from walmart, and a $100 new phone when he JUST got the phone he already had. then when his sister graduated high school their mom took her on a 7 day cruise, FI got a card and a silver necklace.)
FYI, when we got back together, he admitted that he didnt say very nice things about me and our relationship to his family. But that since we started talking again (back in Dec) he told his family that he was talking to me and that our problems from the past were addressed and now we both realized what we had to do to avoid having those same problems.
RSVP August 27, 2011
Sorry for not replying back. Just to update everyone... (and yes, this is long. Sorry in advance for that!)
He called his mom and his grandma and neither answered the phone. He left each one a message to call him back he has something to discuss with them that was important. (he refuses to speak to his dad because his dad pretty much ripped him off $$-wise and now FI finally has reached the end of the straw with him after giving him chance after chance to amend their relationship)
Well, after about 2 weeks of "waiting" for a call back from his mom/grandma, he called AGAIN. No answer. He has tried calling many times and no answer. Then finally after about 1 1/2 months of calling many times a week, he got to talk to his mom. Which he explained everything and she just said that's how the family is (nice to your face, talk crap behind you're back) and I shouldn?t take it seriously or be offended. So I let it go, if that's just how the family "acts" then fine I will just limit my time spent with them. Whatever.
FI thinks I should make a better effort of trying to mend fences with his family, which I am fine with. I told him that I would try, but I didn?t want to be there for days, stuck in his mom's house having to watch TV on mute (so she cant hear it because she doesn't like TV sound I guess), or sitting in the living room by myself while she insists on him being in the room with her so she can talk to him. BTW I don?t think I mentioned in PP's that his mom had excess skin removed and during operation the Doc nicked her spinal nerve system or something like that so she has back pain all the time. But it was 4 yrs ago and she is to the point of abusing the meds so she stays in bed ALL DAY LONG in and out of sleep.
Now, FI said that was understandable and we would go visit for a couple hrs each day, then go back to our hotel room instead of staying overnight at his mom's. OK! Well, we have yet to go down there (more of a finding the time with the work schedules mainly). But anyway, FI has talked to his mom probably 3 times in the 5 months since my last post. During one of the phone conversations (about a month ago) my FI told his mother he would like it if she would come up here since she isn't working and hasn't been here in probably 4-5 yrs. Her reply was she can't because of her back. Well, fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. FI is on FB and his sister is online so he IM's her. About 2 replies into the conversation she tells him that their mom just left her apartment in North Carolina to go to the airport to fly back to San Diego. Yes, she flew to visit FI's sister but wont come up here to see her son. So of course, FI is pissed. He starts going off on his sister about how it's messed up that their mom spends so much $$ on her and flies to NC to visit, and take her on cruises, and he cant even get her to call him to say hi. His sister's response to it all is it is his fault because he is with me and I refuse to let him talk to his family. Needless to say, he is still very upset. He calls his mom, she doesn't answer *shocker! NOT!*, then about 5 min later texts him "phone dead. I think you need to take a couple days to think about what you said earlier and make sure you really feel that way or just said it out of anger." he wrote her back that he does feel that way, and he wanted to talk to her about it. She tells him she will talk to him in a couple days so he can "calm down". And here we are, she hasn't called.
Now, I cant stand the fact that she can just dismiss him like that so easily. A part of me wants to involve myself and tell her where to go and how to get there because I'm the one that is having to deal with the emotional baggage this is causing FI. But the other part of me knows that it isn?t "my battle" to fight and to stay out of it. (which I have. I haven?t called his family up and went off on any of them lol). When I ask FI if he is going to call his mom to discuss it, he just tells me probably not, he just isn't going to talk to his family anymore. because it's a 2 way street and he is tired of them making it one way only.
This is the problem, I am thinking more "long term" here, I have to start getting addresses and everything for the wedding invites and save the date cards. But if he isn't going to talk to his family anymore, then they wont be invited to the wedding. And I think that will make FI heartbroken if they don?t come (I am REALLY worried they wont even if we do send an invite and everything). And if we have children, then what? Our children are just not going to know their family on their father's side? How is that fair?
RSVP August 27, 2011
Wow what a crappy situation. You are right that this isn't your battle and that you should stay out of it. Calling his family and telling them off would just exacerbate the problem and further enforce their negative opinions about you.
What kind of relationship did your FI have with his family before you? If mom, grandma, and sister are all blaming you for his lack of communication with them then the logical assumption (true or not) is that they had a better relationship before you came along. If you and your FI want to resolve this issue, which it sounds like you do, your FI needs to find out why they all think you're the problem. There's either a reason they think you refuse to let him talk to them or they're just irrational and playing the blame game, in which case you are fighting a losing battle.