Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
SIL slutty bestfriend
I was wondering if anyone has some good advice on how to deal with my SIL's slutty best friend. Background info goes something like this:
Husband and I have been married for 3 years and we have a very good relationship with his entire family. His sister is only a year older than I am and we relate/get along very well. She has a friend that has been one of her closest friends since childhood and although she always gave me a weird vibe, I never thought much of her. She comes to a lot of family events and is usually just akward and quiet. Recently I found out from my SIL that she has quite a different persona under her seemingly akward exterior. She has never really had a real relationship (she's rather strange looking with a very strange personality) but apparently she enjoys having sexual relations with engaged/married men. My SIL told me a few years ago she even had sex with her ex-bf after only a few months of them ending their relationship. She said she got over it pretty quickly (she's very laid back) and their friendship was okay after that. However, this friend continues to go after married or engaged guys, some that are even in their friends circle and my SIL and other friends have tried to talk to her about it and how wrong it is, my SIL even called her a whore and told her to stop acting like this. Well the last thing that happened was just recently when my SIL told me that this friend had sex with the fiancee of my old best friend from highschool (I still occasionally talk to my friend but we're not as close as we used to be). Regardless, I was extremely enraged, not only because of how slutty and disgusting this friend is, but because I've known my friend for over 10 years and it really upset me to find this out.
To get to the point of my ranting, my SIL, DH and I all talked and agreed that this friend is just a terrible person. However my SIL said she can't just stop being friends with her after all this time, which is fine, it's her business and I didn't try to tell her otherwise. However, we are all planning a family trip this December and I know this friend has come in the past to our trips and events and I DO NOT under any circumstance want her there. Do I tell my SIL and risk her being upset/offended with me? Do I have my DH, who also feels the same way as I do, talk to his sister? Am I overreacting about this situation?
Re: SIL slutty bestfriend
Who is planning the trip?
If it's you and your DH then surely you get to decide who you invite on the trip.
If it's SIL or other family members then you get to know who else is going and then DH and you decide if you want to attend.
If you wouldn't go if the friend is going, then DH could let SIL know what decision you will make, so she can decide if she'd rather invite you guys or her friend, BUT if she decides she'd rather invite her friend, or isn't willing to tell friend not to coming if it's a longstanding invitation then you need to live with that.
You don't get to tell people what to do or who to socialise with. You simply get to decide who you want to spend time with.
For what it's worth, I wouldn't let someone else's sexual escapades interfere with my plans for a family holiday. It's her business and it doesn't actually affect your life. You don't need to actively engage with her, just be civil and courteous.
SIL told me that this friend had sex with the fiancee of my old best friend from highschool (I still occasionally talk to my friend but we're not as close as we used to be). Regardless, I was extremely enraged, not only because of how slutty and disgusting this friend is, but because I've known my friend for over 10 years and it really upset me to find this out.
I bet you were just as upset with her slutty disgusting fiancee and will not be associating with him anymor either....correct?
Honestly who she has sex with is none of your business.
Sounds like you are not so trusting of your H and are afraid he'd go for it if given the opportunity.
According to your own words you would have never known this about her unless SIL told you, so she isnt acting like a disgusting slut while you are around...why is it a concern to you?
I'm guessing you're uncomfortable with her being around your H while on this trip since he's a married man and that's all she goes for? Trust is a big thing in this situation. I had a co worker back in the 90s who always went after men who were married/engaged/living with someone, and I had a BF at the time but wasn't worried about things because he just wasn't interested in fooling around with her.
No matter how much you disapprove of this person's antics, there's really nothing you can do, and unfortunately you can't control whether or not SIL brings her around. While she is a bonafide homewrecker, at the same time the willing participants that she slept with are just as guilty in the whole thing.
You and your H have the option as to whether or not you want to go on this trip. Does he know how you feel about the friend? Will he be willing to back you up on your not wanting to go if the slutty friend ends up going along?
None of this is ANY of your business.
Who this person sleeps with or doesn't sleep with or does in her personal time is none of your business and quite frankly, I have to wonder why you all are sitting around talking about her and judging her. You don't know all the information because it's not your life.
I think your post comes off as very immature and insecure. Why do you care if she sleeps with married men, or men in relationships? I assure you, she sleeps with men that want to sleep with her, regardless of whether or not they're in a relationship.
This.
Why don't you trust your H?
I think that you need to be honest with yourself about why you don't want her there. It's pretty obvious that you think that she would make a move on your DH. Ok, fine. She might. But your DH is the one who's obligated to you and if he went for it, well, that's on him. A committed spouse isn't going to cheat, whether the town hussy is throwing herself at him or not.
Keep in mind, too, that you're only getting one half of this story and it's second hand.
You don't get to dictate who does or does not get invited unless you're hosting. If you are, then simply invite SIL and if she asks about the friend, say that you just wanted to keep it family. If you aren't hosting, then you decide whether you want to go on a trip knowing that she'd be there, and plan accordingly.
Why are you feeling insecure? Has your DH ever given you a reason to? Think your way through that and you'll probably get a better grip on this.
I'll take a middle of the road approach here. I get why you don't want to socialize with this person. I think girls who go after married men are terrible people (and the married men are just as guilty). It would be pefectly fine for you not to go on the trip if you feel uncomfortable with her there. You'll have to force yourself to be polite, and that sounds like a bummer of a vacation.
But like PPs said, you can't decide who gets to come and who can't if this is not solely your trip to organize. I wouldn't say anything to your SIL. Wait to see if she's invited and then you make the decision you feel comfortable with. Is this the kind of trip where you can avoid her and do your own thing or are you expected to stay with the group?
I'm going to disagree with the previous posters. There is no reason you have to spend time with this person. You don't work with her, she's not related to you, she's just a friend of one family member. She sounds like a nasty skank, and if you don't want to spend your free time with her or be more than icily polite when you run across her, I think that's fine.
I do agree though, that this policy should apply to your friend's fiance and any of the other men as well.
I'm not really sure where you're reading that she has to be besties with this woman. Everybody is saying that she can't control who goes if she's not hosting and that if being around her is a problem and she knows that she's invited, then she can choose not to attend.
oh man. mind your own business already!! if you plan the trip-you decide. if someone else did-it's up to you to not go if she'll be there.
but really-next time sil starts talking about her don't listen. myob.
This.
After what she did to your friend, I'd have a hard time being polite to her as well, to be honest.
She didn't do anything to her friend. Her friend's fiance is the one who cheated and hurt her friend. If you want to fault someone, fault him.
ETA: And if it hadn't been the SIL's friend, it would have been someone else.
Gotta love these type of responses....what SHE did ti him...lamo
That is right SHE made a commitment to love honor and cherish right? HE is the man who had a relationship with her friend, not this woman. HE is the one who is supposed to be in a honest, and in love with her friend.
But of course it is this woman's fault that the Fiancee couldn't keep it in his pants.
Thanks for judging my response so quickly, but I believe this post is about the SIL's friend, not about the fiance.
I think they're both at fault, to be honest. I could say some rotten things about him as well, but he's not the one being called into question here.
Could any of you honestly tell me that if some woman slept with your best friend's fiance, you would feel comfortable socializing with her? I've been in that situation, and it's very, very awkward.
No, it would be awkward. But if the OP is not in any type of control of who is invited to this event, and she chooses to go, interact with this girl she most likely will have to do.
But it comes down to boundaries: she can be judgy-McJudgerson towards this girl all she wants based on what she has heard (vs. what she has personally experienced or witnessed). My bet? This girl is probably totally charismatic and winning - which is probably why the guys are willing to chuck commitment to get it on with her. And OP is probably slightly afraid her DH is going to be susceptible to that. (Just once more with feeling: it's not like this girl tied these men down and made them cheat. It takes two to tango...)
I have to say, were I in the OP's shoes, I'd say bring it on. I trust my DH implicitly because he gives me reason to every day, and vice versa. This alleged ho-bag could dance naked under his nose and I'd trust him to turn around and walk out of the room. Can the OP say the same?