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An intro and some advice needed (sorry so long!)
Hi! I usually post on the baby boards, but have some in-law issues that have been really weighing on my mind, and I would love suggestions/reactions from some people outside of the situation.
Quick background: DH and I have been married for 3.5 years. I come from a very loving, supportive and stable family. DH's parent's divorced when he was 2. Both remarried and had kids. DH lived with his mom and stepdad and 2 half sister growing up, but spent time (summers and holidays) with his dad, stepmom and half brother and sisters on his dad's side. We have a wonderful relationship with DH's dad, stepmom and half brother and sisters. However, there are major problem's with DH's stepdad (we'll call him Bob).
When DH and I got engaged and married, I knew that there had been lots of issues between him and Bob. But, DH hated talking about it and apparently Bob had turned over a new leaf and was a better person. Well shortly after our wedding, DH's sister became quite ill. She bounced from dr. to dr. trying to find out what was wrong with her and ended up spending a summer at the mayo clinic. While she was there, it came out that she told her doctors about the emotional and physical abuse that she endured from her dad(Bob-dh's stepdad) as a child. So much of what she was experiencing (fibromyalgia and a laundry list of other things) was related to the abuse. After this, I started asking DH more and more questions about his childhood and what his sister's went through. The stuff he told me about what Bob would do to them just makes me sick. Nothing sexual, just physical and emotional abuse. He would humiliate them daily and punish them for the most ridiculous things. Bob is an alcoholic even though he doesn't drink anymore. He stopped drinking, but he never got sober. I'm also pretty positive that he has a chemical imbalance or personality disorder. He is a loner and has no one other than his wife and his mother. He has no friends and cut off all family. And the worst part of all of this is that their mother did nothing to stop the abuse.
When I was pregnant, we had a huge falling out with Bob. It's a long story, but he basically decided that DH and I were terrible people because we had asked for some help moving furniture to get ready for our twins. He claimed that all we did was ask for help and take advantage of people. I grew up with the notion that family helped family, but according to him, that was taking advantage. We had a big fight where he threatened me, sucker punched (figuratively) us and DH decided that we wouldn't deal with his psychopathic behavior anymore and we cut him out of our lives. He was totally fine with this, he wanted nothing to do with us or our children (when I was pg, he made it known that he wanted nothing to do with our twins because we did IVF and they were "unnatural"). However, DH's mom is so depressed, sad and upset that we refuse to be a part of the family. We see her plenty. She comes over and spends time with our boys, but we will never go to their house and he is not welcome at ours. DH's sisters have pretty much cut him out of their lives too.
Well, it has been just over a year since we cut him out and now DH's mother is trying to make things better. There was a time last year when she was so unhappy and would come over to our house crying about how she wanted to leave him. Then she lost her job and totally changed her mind about everything. Now she wants us all to reconcile with him and be one big happy family. We agreed to meet for coffee a couple of weeks ago and I was appalled at the way Bob spoke to his wife. He blamed the entire falling out that we had on DH's mother and she (unbelieveably!!) accepted the blame. He spoke to her and about her like she was garbage. I do not want my children to be around him or to have anything to do with him. He needs help, but will not get it.
DH and his sisters wanted to do an intervention to try to get their mom to leave him, but she is still unemployed and she made it very clear to them that she does not want to start her life over.
If you made it through all of that, then thank you for reading. My heart aches for all that DH and his sisters went through as children and as a mom, all I want to do is to protect my babies and make sure they never have an encounter with him. I would never leave them alone with MIL if he was around. She did nothing to stop the abuse to her own children, so there is no reason for me to believe that she would stop anything from happening to my boys.
I guess I just want to know where we should go from here. I think there should be an intervention w/a third party present (like a social worker or couselor). Thanks again for reading. I am so tired of all this nonsense. I just have no idea where to go from here.
Re: An intro and some advice needed (sorry so long!)
My H also had a horrible childhood at the hands of his father. His mother finally left and remarried, and my H has a very good relationship with his SF, but he still feels obligated to stay in touch with his bio-dad. We don't live in the same area as my IL's, but there have been a couple of occasions that he had to decide whether or not to spend time with his bio-dad. He knows where I stand on the whole maintaining-a-relationship-with-bio-dad, but he also knows that I will totally support him whatever he decides to do.
In your H case, I'd also make sure he knows that you totally support him, but also let him know where your boundaries are, whether you are OK with having lunch with SF, or not seeing him at all. And after you've done that, he needs to decide where his boundaries are (although it sounds like he has already). Then let his mom know that she is welcome to come over to visit your boys (who are beautiful, by the way), but SF is not welcome. It's going to be hard, especially since it sounds like she has ideas of a big, happy family reunion in her head.
Best of luck.
She said it....she isnt going to leave...a 3rd party intervention isnt going to change her mind. She ownt leave until SHE is ready to leave.
Just keep your own kids safe and keep the no contact rule~
So much of what she was experiencing (fibromyalgia and a laundry list of other things) was related to the abuse
Plese explain to me what abuse has to do with fibromyalgia? I'm very curious.
I really can't give you an honest medical answer, because I don't know. But, after googling fibromyalgia and child abuse, this sums up what I found. (cut and pasted)
While current scientists cannot explain what causes Fibromyalgia, many recent studies show that previous physical, sexual and severe emotional abuse are risk factors, at a minimum. A few organizations, such as the Mayo Clinic, have gone so far as to list "Emotional and Physical Trauma", as one of the factors with the potential to cause Fibromyalgia. One recent clinical study concluded that Fibromyalgia patients were three times more likely to have been emotionally or sexually abused, and four times more likely to have been physically abused than the non-fibromyalgia control group. Others studies can be found which place the statistical association even higher.
Very interesting.....I a sufferer myself and I have never heard this before...nor have I ever been asked about anything like that during my many many dr. visits.
This.
You set the boundaries for your family and as long as you let Mom know you support her in leaving or getting Bob help, you've done as much as you can.
Best of luck