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In Laws staying for 9 days... advice needed!
My in-laws live in the new england area and my H and I live in the midwest. Whenever they come out, they stay for extended weekends or long weeks because of the cost of the flight and the distance they have to travel. The H is also an only child so it makes for an interesting dynamic with the MIL trying to share her son with me.
Last Thanksgiving they came out for 9 days. It was terrible because they wanted to spend 24/7 with us and get upset if one or both of us run to the grocery store without them. Our house is perfect for two but extremely tight for 4 adults - and the in-laws stay with us, in our small house. They refuse to get a hotel. My H and his parents got in a big fight last year because they're very sarcastic with one another and never communicate what they really feal. The in laws say things like "whatever you want' "i'm easy" "do what you like" when we ask them what they'd like to do, eat, timing for events, etc. It's extremely frustrating. They also never tell us what they'd like to do, and it's so hard to keep guessing that we took their advice and make them do "whatever we want to do" because that's what they said they preferred. It all finally came to a head during Black Friday last year.
After the event (which is too long to detail here) both my H and I were fuming at the immature way his parents handled themselves and how his mom manipulated us to tell her to stay (She threatened to book flights home a day early and cab it to the hotel because "we don't appreciate them" because we didn't want to sit and watch another Dr. Oz show after we'd been watching a MARATHON of Dr. Oz all day, so we went in another room and watched a movie and had dinner. We did, however, offer to get/make them dinner beforehand and offer to all watch any movie together)
I told my H that they were not welcome in our home for more than 5 days a stay, and if they would like to come for longer than that, they needed to realize we have work and other things on our schedule and we will not cater to them every minute of every day, as well as they need to get a hotel for part of the time, or be more sensitive to our livings space. (His mother used to sleep in our bed, and we'd be on the couch & air matress, his dad in the guest room before we got engaged. I put my foot down as soon as we were engaged because I was not giving up my bed anymore). I don't usually hold grudges very long, but I was so mad about his parents and the fight that I went to my parent's house in another state (my H and I were engaged at the time) to spend Christmas with my family, without his -because again, they were out for 7 days that trip.
My parents are the complete opposite - very flexible when they come to visit and are the same way when we're visiting them, so it's very hard to for me to give up my life, friends, internet, work, gym workouts while they are with us for more than a few days. I'm very willing (and do) give up those things and spend my time with them when they come for a 4-day weekend, but it's hard to stop your life completely for more than a week just because someone is in town. (And they actually expect us to stop if they can't participate in the events!)
They are going to be here next week for 9 days for the Thanksgiving Holiday. They booked the extended stay because it was "too expensive" to come for a short time. They told us their travel dates AFTER they booked their flights. How do I prevent this in the future? What should my husband be saying to them - cuz I know he's the one that needs to communicate this?
This year I am not taking off 3 days of work (as I did last year), I will continue to go to the gym and work out, and I have an art class planned with a friend, which I will also be inviting the MIL to come as she used to like to paint.
Am I totally crazy to feel this way about them staying for such long time periods? What do I do?
Thanks for listening, and I appreciate any advice you may have.
Re: In Laws staying for 9 days... advice needed!
My in-laws came for 2 weeks once, the day they left, I told my DH I would burn down the house with them and him in it if he ever invited them for more than a long weekend again.
So I feel your pain. We have rules about guests over the holiday, we both agree on them and we stick to them. No one gets to stay more than 4 days, we don't take any additional time off work, we offer up activities etc if they don't want to do them, they are on their own.
But you both have to be on the same page, when they tell you they are coming for 9 days, tell them thats not convenient, when they say they have booked the flight, repeat the former and give them the name of hotels. But you have to be strong.
There is nothing you or DH can say make them change. You can only make yourselves change. And you've taken an excellent step by refusing to meet their ridiculous expectations.
So, I ask, what happened to the 5-day rule? Why aren't they getting the hotel your DH insisted? How did your DH expect to enforce that rule when he set it?
If I was you, I'd book myself and DH for 4 days at a local hotel. I'd work the first 3, resume all activities with friends as planned, host the holiday and day after and then leave them and the house for the last 4 days of their trip. If you can't make them go to a hotel, you can allow yourselves. But it's a bold, bold move. And considering you caved last year when she threatened to leave early, you probably won't.
So, I have to ask, why did you cave? Why not just call her bluff and let her storm off?
I'm not used to those types of threats. It was so unexpected that I didn't realize until days later that DH and I should have just told her to go. That's how his family is- make idle threats like children who are throwing a tantrum. I did not grow up like that - so when I hear it, I believe it - cuz in my family, you did do just what you said!
I shouldn't have caved - in hindsight it's so easy to say "shoulda, woulda coulda" but I didn't and I recognize it now and realize what a big mistake it was.
As for letting them come for so long - DH and I did tell them we have other plans and they'd be by themselves at home - to which his mother said "that's fine, we'll just be at home by our lonely selves" So we ignored her and as you said, are out of town Saturday, working M-W and kept plans for the gym and friends we already had. They said it was rude of us to not welcome them into their homes and they were really offended.
Well your MIL has obviously learned that griping and complaining will work, so she will continue to do it. The only way and I mean the only way YOU can stop it is to not accomodate them. If they make dumb remarks, so be it. You know you are not rude and you know that you are a good hostess, so what does it matter what she says. Stop jumping through hoops with these people and stop allowing them to treat your home like a free hotel.
Again, they tell you after they have booked their flights how long they will be staying with you because it works for them. Make it not work. Say "Sorry but that can't happen, you will have to find a hotel for at least 4 days." THey throw a fit, so what. That is what they get for not discussing this with you beforehand. You guys can talk to them till you are blue in the face but remember actions speak louder than words. If you have to kick them out of your house after 5 days, then you do it. I know they will be very upset, but that is their problem not yours.
MIL sounds like a childish crybaby who takes her ball and stomps off home when she doesn't get her way. I'm sorry.
It's not that you aren't welcoming them into your home. It's THEM overstaying their welcome. If they're going to stay that long they can't expect you to drop your entire lives (H needs to tell his mom that one). If they didn't need the constant hand-holding, those 9 days probably wouldn't be so bad. He just needs to tell them, "It'll be great to see you but we do have a few things going on that week. We made plans a while ago with X friends on Saturday, and we only got x days off work. Here are some things you can do while we're at work during those days, and if you want to rent a movie while we're out Saturday night we can take a ride over to Blockbuster later, OR I can show you how to get to the closest theater if you want to have a date night of your own. Then we'll be sure to spend the whole day together on Sunday."
If they are coming to stay with you and spend time with you in YOUR home, they need to abide by YOUR rules. Make them stay in a hotel for part of the time, like you agreed on. If they don't like it, they can go home and they'll realize how stupidly they acted. My MIL is similar to yours; she is very good at guilt trips and getting her way. My H gives in because he doesn't know how to tell her no. (She likes to invite herself on our boat, by saying that she'll just spend the day feeling sorry for herself. Yes, she's actually said that. My H feels guilty when she starts to cry, so she gets her way every time.)
I'm lucky enough to have never dealt with a situation like yours. We live 4 hours from both our families and neither one has ever visited for more than a weekend.
Just lay down the rules- tell them that they can stay there for a few days, but then they have to get a hotel room. Best of luck!
My suggestion... earplugs and lots of booze. If you don't drink, give them the booze. Maybe they'll be easier to handle if you keep them lushed up all week.
Oh, and for the part where they booked their trip before telling you the dates... your H should repeat after me "Oh, sorry Mom/Dad. I wish you had cleared those dates with us before you booked your trip. We're not available to have guests stay with us during those dates (or) We can only host you for [insert acceptable dates here]. You're welcome to come out and stay in a hotel, we'll visit with you/have you over for dinner when we're available. Next time, I'd be better if you clear your dates with us first if you plan to stay with us."
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
If your ILS already booked a flight, they have a choice. Which is cheaper - re-booking the flight, or staying in a hotel for 4 days? And I would have them stay in a hotel the "front" four days, b/c it's harder to throw someone out of your house than to refuse to allow them in.
Your MIL has learned it's easier to "ask forgiveness" than to "ask permission." YOU (meaning you and DH) need to teach her that you have boundries and they need to be respected.
This will not be easy. Your MIL is used to getting her way. There WILL be conflict, but there is already conflict - you were miserable during their last visit. So dont' fool yourself into thinking everything is easier when you do things the way MIL prefers.
Have your H call and say "you told us your flight is between Nov 20 and Nov 29. It's great that you intend to visit our state! I'm glad you got a great price on the airfare! What wife and I said about only having guests for 4 days still stands, however, so you'll have to get a hotel for Nov 20-24. The Holiday Inn is only 12 miles away, and they have pretty nice rooms. We'll see you on the 25th."
At that point, your MIL will yell and scream, cry, tell your H that he doesn't love her and she's going to cancel the whole trip and re-write her will so that all of her money goes to help the child she adopted through Christian charities and to Oprah's angel fund. Your DH needs to say "that's your choice, mom, if that is what you prefer. But if you decide you want to visit, we'll see you on the 25th." If the "hotel day" includes Thanksgiving, you can tell them they can come for Dinner on Thanksgiving, but they'll have to return to the hotel
THEN, when she DOES come over (b/c you know she will), she'll pout and grumble and act "mad" at you (but when you ask what's wrong, she'll say "nothing." In that case, go about your business. If you want to schedule some time for yourself, say "I'm going to the mall...does anybody want to join me?" and when they say "no," hop in the car and go.
If they end up coming for the first days of their trip, book a hotel for yourself (far away) for the fifth day. Lock up the house, and tell your ILS "we're going away. Enjoy your time at the hotel!" Don't give them a key to your home, so they have no choice but to find lodgings elsewhere.
Good luck.
First, I get a bit of a "my family is so much better than his family" vibe from your post. Curb that attitude ASAP, it won't make anything better.
Second, you (as is usually the case around here) have a Husband Problem, not an IL Problem. Your ILs were there a year ago, made your life a living hell for over a week, and after they left you told your H that the longest you were willing to host them for is five days. This year, he allows them to book a trip for nine days AGAIN.
People will treat you the way you teach them to treat you. In this case, your ILs know that by pushing and pushing and whining and crying and making threats they are going to get what they want; which apparently is excessively long trips to your house.
They booked their airfare without talking to you? Your H needed to say, "Sorry mom and dad, we really are only able to house you for four nights and five days. Here are some great hotels nearby." Or, "Sorry mom and dad, we can't keep you here that long. I can try to help you reschedule your flight back home if that would be helpful."
Until your H gets on the same page as you and starts standing up to his parents, they're going to continue to walk all over you. I suggest you demand more of him, and sooner rather than later.
~~~MARRIED BIO~~~
Thanks for your responses! I really appreciate the advice.
On the "my family is better than yours" attitude - I definitely think my family has their faults and drama, its just comparing this situation of coming to visit from one set of parents to the other, my parents have a more likeable philosphy, but trust me, there are other situations where DH and I have had to put our foot down with my parents and say what we would and wouldn't tolerate. I appreciate you pointing this out though, as I probably should not compare the two reactions (or parents) to this visiting situation (or parents)because it won't make the problem better - and wouldn't be very good in an argument.
DH and I chatted this weekend after reading your responses and he has already been putting his foot down to silly requests. They don't like it, but seem to get the pictures. He also told them our plans for the next holiday (in which we're visiting out of state family/friends) when they said they'd come out for another week.
Thanks again for your advice!
Yes, they are here for 9 days this Thanksgiving, as my original post on this topic was the day before they arrived. We (DH & I) have, however, been working the last two days, running errands, and going to the gym like our normal M-W schedule would dictate. We also made plans for a few things in the week and invited them to join us if they would like (or find something else to do, if not).
So far, so good, but we'll see if the "resentment and guilting" discussions come up at the end of their visit. I'm crossing my fingers that we can get thru this with civility