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Oh how I hate the holidays /dysfunctional family
Being that I am not a regular, I hope you don't mind me posting here, but I could use some advice.
My family is very small and usually holidays are very uneventful. It's my parents, my sister and husband, MH and myself. Dinner is usually held at either my house or my parents.
BIL is a very controlling and has major trust issues. He gets his problems honestly from growing up in a mentally abusive household. He and I have always butted heads. My family rarely sees him, even though he lives only 7 miles from us, but every holiday he is sure to show and bring his not so charming personality with him.
MH (the most recent addition to the family) has had enough of my BIL and his constant snide comments he makes. Fortunately we only have to see him on holidays, but MH has had enough and refuses to spend Thanksgiving with the BIL. We all have tried to ignore Bill?s bad behavior to spare my sister. Anyways, my parents are very upset that we will not be spending Thanksgiving with them. I promised that we would stop over later in the evening, or they were welcome to come have dessert at our house once the rest of the family leaves. BIL usually likes to go home to have his "me time" around 5pm.
Sorry this is so long, but my question is.... Is avoiding contact the best approach? Or, is it better to get the family together and have it out once and for all? I'm just afraid that if it leads to a battle, my relationship with my sister will be jeopardized. WWYD?
Dx MFI, AMA, Endo, AMH .16
Lap 10/09 Removed endometrioma, stage IV endo and adhesions
Lap 2/10 Endometrioma cysts & adhesions returned.
Ivf #1 4/10 Antagonist, ET Cancelled.
IVF #2 2/11 A/ACP+E2V C/P
IVF #3 6/11 Letrozole/Antagonist BFN
IVF #4 11/11 Low stim Antagonist BFN
Lap 3/12 Lap & Selective HSG
Many cycles of Letrozole and LP HCG w/TI and LDN
IVF #5 8/12 Low stim BFN
IUI #1 10/12 BFN br> S&PAIFW
Re: Oh how I hate the holidays /dysfunctional family
What about your husbands family, does he not want to spend any holiday time with them?
As to the issue with your family, it appears as if everyone knows your BIL is a douche and has tolerated it, your DH doesnt want to tolerate it any more. So now a choice has to be made. Either no more holidays with the whole family, or the whole family confronts the douche on his behavior risking the relationship with your sister.
As its your parents house the call is really up to them, if they dont want to make waves then there is nothing you can do except honor your DHs wishes. Why should your DH have miserable holidays every year just because no one in the family will confront the BIL.
Have you ever tried talking to your sister about her H's behavior, as in just the 2 of you? Maybe something to the nature of, "Some of the things BIL says are hurtful and uncalled for, and it makes DH and I uncomfortable when he talks to us like that. Do you think maybe you can try to talk to him and get him to understand that his behavior in front of our family is inappropriate? Maybe ask him nicely to try and keep his comments to himself if he disagrees with something?"
I always thought if you had one on one conversation with the person you're close to, it may not blow up as badly as it would if someone snapped at him while sitting around the dinner table in front of the whole family.
And I also ditto the PP who asked about spending the holiday with your ILs.
Well this might be oversimplifying it but if I have to choose between upsetting my husband or upsetting my parents, I will choose upsetting my parents.
I don't blame your husband for not wanting to attend. I wouldn't either. Maybe you and your parents can go do something another day.
My husband's family lives in NC, we live in PA. H?s family was just up visiting for a week in late September. Most likely they will be moving to PA within the next couple of months. Although we don't usually spend the actual holiday with his family we typically see them right before or after. I suspect with their move, we will be having them for Christmas.
BIL puts everyone down. I can usually ignore it but I really hate it when he is doing it to my parents. He tries to brush it off as if he is being funny but it only makes him seem more rude and obnoxious. He has this male superiority complex and thinks my husband is a wuss because we actually enjoy doing things together as a couple. He makes comments like MH is whooped. KWIM?
My Dad and BIL had a big fight this summer and nothing was resolved. The next time they saw each other there was no mention of it. I have spoken to my sister over the summer about the problems but she started crying and sarcastically said ?I guess I should just divorce him?. I told her that we felt her husband needed therapy. She said that he went on antidepressant once, but his Dr. failed to monitor him and he got worse. She admits he has issues, but she also defends his behavior by making excuses to why he acts the way he does. If only they had somewhere to periodically go on the holidays but BIL alienated his own family many years ago.
My Mother feels sorry for my sister and will bend over backwards to protect her. She feels MS lives a very lonely life and that it is wrong that we don?t just forgive and forget. Under the circumstances, I guess we are handling this the best way we can, but it still helps to run things by other people.
Dx MFI, AMA, Endo, AMH .16
Lap 10/09 Removed endometrioma, stage IV endo and adhesions
Lap 2/10 Endometrioma cysts & adhesions returned.
Ivf #1 4/10 Antagonist, ET Cancelled.
IVF #2 2/11 A/ACP+E2V C/P
IVF #3 6/11 Letrozole/Antagonist BFN
IVF #4 11/11 Low stim Antagonist BFN
Lap 3/12 Lap & Selective HSG
Many cycles of Letrozole and LP HCG w/TI and LDN
IVF #5 8/12 Low stim BFN
IUI #1 10/12 BFN br> S&PAIFW
Everybody is making a choice, and you and H are free to make choices, too.
Your mom CHOOSES to bend over backwards to accomodate your sister, who is depressed b/c she is married to a jerk. Your sister chooses to make excuses for her husband's bad behavior, and to see things in black and white "either I let him act like a douche whenever he wants, or I divorce him!" (not thinking of the option "I expect better behavior of my husband, or give him a choice of seeing another doctor.").
Your BIL has never seen a consequence to treating your family badly. Everyone just pretends everything is ok. I would be very uncool with going to my ILS if they constantly put me and my spouse down. It would get old. fast. Honestly, your declining the Thanksgiving (and other holiday) invites might be a wake up call to your parents and sister, that BILs behavior is really NOT ok.
Of course your mom and dad hold onto the "everyone can get together for the holiday" fantasy, but it doesn't work for you. Tell your parents that you are having a meal with just the two of you, but the two of them are welcome for dessert. Or you'll stop by their home for dessert - AFTER your BIL has gone home. Maybe your sis can be pursuaded to stay for dessert and take separate cars so that her H gets his "alone time" and your sis can hang with you.
Find something else to do on Tday, and go see your folks when BIL isn't there. If they ask why you can't come, say "Oh, life's too short to spend one day being miserable, and BIL is just so unpleasant I don't want to be around him anymore. We'll see you on Friday, if that's ok, and bring some pie".
Seriously. Life is too short to waste time tolerating asssholes. You're never going to make the assshole not be an assshole; and your family will learn that letting people like that ruin things has some consequences to it.
And as for what your dh wants, you have made the right choice. Do you belong with your family of origin, who allows your dh to be treated poorly in their homes, or do you belong with your dh? Of course you belong with your dh. So what if your mother is upset? She's upset. That's all. End of the world? Nope. You're free to have a lovely holiday.
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
Miracle DD born 12.2005
TTC #2 since Dec 2008 w/ PCOS
***P/SAIF Always Welcome***
Keep it Natural, Baby!
I guess my answer would completely depend on one thing: what was your husband's response when the perceived/real insult was given and/or when your BIL tried to recover by saying it was all in humor? Your father chooses how he builds a relationship with his son-in-law and what he allows to be put upon his wife. Your sister, likewise, can choose what her own boundaries are where her husband is concerned. You and your husband need to respect that some people will oddly choose a dysfunctional relationship. Just as your BIL tries to cover up his aggressiveness by calling it humor, your father/mother/sister cover up their passiveness or even passive aggressiveness by calling it being "sorry" for the fellow. That's their choice - I think it's not fair, but it is what it is.
However, if your husband was able to be consistent in defending you as his wife, and in standing his ground where he himself is concerned, that is an entirely different thing. If he has been playing the same sort of "family rules" as has been modeled by your parents up to now, I definitely *would not* allow this Thanksgiving to be missed. That would be passive aggressive, and is just as childish, feeds into the already strained family dynamics (and will cause a riff for you and your sister that you say you want to avoid). The best thing to do is to at least have a period of time where your individual household (you and your DH) actually enforce your own boundaries, which includes not excusing things for the sake of excusing them. When a "joke" is used as a shield for your BIL, without getting emotional, or sinking to a bullying or childish manner, you/your husband, need to be able to say "BIL, that doesn't make sense. What you said was offensive no matter what your delivery/intent and I sincerely believe an apology is in order." At the same time, I would ask that your DH, at least for the brief meeting, would reach out to him - if the fellow makes fun of DH for being a "wuss" as you say, there is nothing wrong with DH taking him aside and saying, "I"ve noticed that you have a pattern of equating a marriage like mine, one that takes one another's feelings into consideration, as somehow inferior. At the same time I've noticed that you yourself aren't happy, and haven't come from a particularly happy background. I'm wondering if in those relationships people took your feelings into consideration?"
I would not "have it out" as you say, on Thanksgiving, if you chose to attend. That would be unfair for your mother/father. I would handle it as above, if something should come up - but the "having it out" should be handled in much the same spirit as my suggestion of having your DH pull your BIL aside. This should be done outside the Thanksgiving arena, and without your mother and father. Your sister should be included. I would invite them to your home as guests, and approach them both firmly but without the appearance of "judgement" words (not saying you are wrong in your discernment, just to watch out for hot-button phrases).
Good luck to you.