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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Idiot BIL spreading false rumors
We cut our toxic MIL and SFIL out of our lives over 3 years ago. We didn't cut out BIL, because of FIL and we didn't want a bunch of drama. But we only saw him on holidays/birthdays a few times a year.
While I was pregnant and on bedrest last January someone called DSS/CPS on BIL (well, MIL/SFIL - they have custody of BIL's daughter but BIL lives with them as well). They all assumed it was me. FIL called DH and left a threatening VM then BIL sent about 100 text messages to DH calling me all sorts of things and saying we were out of his life. Then BIL sent me threatening messages on FB. I was going to call the police, but DH talked me out of it. I spent the last month of my pregnancy having nightmares of him breaking into the house, beating me up and me losing the baby (I also had DS premature...I'm sure the stress he put me under contributed to that). BIL is a loser and a drug addict - he's 29.
Anyway, about an hour ago I received a message on FB from a girl I've never heard of. She said that BIL knew that I was cheating on DH and that I need to be careful or DH is going to find out.
I called DH (he's at work) and while we kind of got a laugh out of it...I'm really upset at the same time. DH thinks we shouldn't say anything to anyone and just ignore it. That if we say something it will just add to the drama. If we ignore it, they will get bored and it will go away. I've decided not to respond to this girl...but I'd like for DH to confront his brother (via email/FB). DH is not going to do that.
How do you think we should handle it? I still wish I would have gotten a restraining order while I was pregnant.
There is absolutely no other drama in my life beside MIL, SFIL and BIL...they drive me crazy.
While I was pregnant and on bedrest last January someone called DSS/CPS on BIL (well, MIL/SFIL - they have custody of BIL's daughter but BIL lives with them as well). They all assumed it was me. FIL called DH and left a threatening VM then BIL sent about 100 text messages to DH calling me all sorts of things and saying we were out of his life. Then BIL sent me threatening messages on FB. I was going to call the police, but DH talked me out of it. I spent the last month of my pregnancy having nightmares of him breaking into the house, beating me up and me losing the baby (I also had DS premature...I'm sure the stress he put me under contributed to that). BIL is a loser and a drug addict - he's 29.
Anyway, about an hour ago I received a message on FB from a girl I've never heard of. She said that BIL knew that I was cheating on DH and that I need to be careful or DH is going to find out.
I called DH (he's at work) and while we kind of got a laugh out of it...I'm really upset at the same time. DH thinks we shouldn't say anything to anyone and just ignore it. That if we say something it will just add to the drama. If we ignore it, they will get bored and it will go away. I've decided not to respond to this girl...but I'd like for DH to confront his brother (via email/FB). DH is not going to do that.
How do you think we should handle it? I still wish I would have gotten a restraining order while I was pregnant.
There is absolutely no other drama in my life beside MIL, SFIL and BIL...they drive me crazy.
Re: Idiot BIL spreading false rumors
Wow, that all sounds awful!
Since your H doesn't want to do anything about this right now, I would start documenting everything. You can't just walk into a police department or city hall and get a restraining order; you're going to need to have a case about why one should be granted to you.
Get a hold of your phone company and get copies of the text messages if you still can. Print off the Facebook message from the woman. Reply, and ask her to never contact you again. Keep that too. If you hear from BIL, reply to him and tell him to never contact you again. Keep a printed copy of your response.
Hopefully this will die down right away but if it doesn't, at least you're going to have copies of what has been going on. In a week, or two weeks, go to your H with all your hard copies of everything that has happened. Seeing it build up might help him to realize that this is not a one time deal but an ongoing issue.
Of course, if you are feeling threatened (which it sounds like you are) and your H does not support you going to the police (which it sounds like he doesn't) you should probably consider going somewhere else (maybe your parent's house or a sibling's house) for a while with your LO and contact the police on your own. You don't need your H to file a police report, and it's unfair of him to put some sort of loyalty to his family ahead of your peace of mind - especially when there is a baby to consider.
You have to do what makes you feel safe. However, the following is also true because your inlaws (BIL) want a rise out of you. If we ignore it, they will get bored and it will go away. I just have a feeling if your DH confronts, things will only get worse.
I am sorry you guys have to deal with all of this.
This is exactly how DH feels. He never thought BIL would actually try to harm me...but I've seen BIL very violent in the past. One time he was high on crack and chased DH with a fire poker...MIL pulled a gun on BIL. We had only been together a year (it was actually DH's birthday) and I almost broke up with him because I was afraid of his family.
We've had no contact with them since the threatening messages last January...but a few weeks ago MIL asked FIL if she had pictures of, "that baby" that she could see. MIL never asked or showed any concern when DS was born premature and in the NICU for 2 weeks. This was the first time she's even acknowledged DS. We are very close with her mother who has told DH that MIL hasn't ever asked about him. Other than that - this has come out of left field.
When the girl first wrote me I wrote back that she had me confused with someone else. That's when she started saying BIL knew about it and was going to tell DH. I was on the phone with DH at that point and we decided to ignore her. She sent 5 messages and started calling me a whore. I blocked and reported her.
Ditto everything MKE said, but especially this. It can be hard to accept that a family member is harmful or to believe that they could/ would hurt you- but that doesn't justify continuing to put yourself/ wife/ child in situations where they are being threatened. We could talk for years about how hard it is to accept that a family member is truly that harmful, truly that much of a threat, how hard it is to grieve for the family you deserved but didn't have- and goodness knows, when that is your family situation, as is the case for your husband, you do talk and think about it that much. But the bottom line- the absolute no-excuses bottom line- is that safety comes first. When you are being threatened, and your spouse is being threatened, and you have a baby to care for as well- there absolutely must be a plan to preserve and protect your safety, and it absolutely must come before anyone's worry about their dad's feelings or worry about severing family ties. When you are dealing with someone who has a history of violence and is making repeated threats, and you have a child, you don't have the luxury of crossing your fingers and hoping the situation doesn't escalate- and I think that you already know that.
And, yes- if your husband is unwilling to see the need to protect your safety, then you need to make a safety plan that does not include him- you need a place to go and take the baby if needed, a plan for when you personally will call the police whether your husband is on board or not, a plan for when you will say, "I won't let my child be exposed to this," even if your husband is saying there's no real harm. And if/ when that point comes, you should make your husband aware that the fact that you have to protect something as basic as your safety without his support spells out that your marriage is in a crisis.
Good luck- I am really sorry you're dealing with this.
Oh my I am terribly sorry that you are having to deal with that. My main concern would be also if he would make false accusations in terms of DSS/CPS.
While on FB there is a way to make everything private & you can control your privacy settings. Maybe he is trying to psych you out.
I would not respond to that person, & if the problem persist I would hate to say it try a restraining order or sometimes even getting law enforcement involed isnt a bad idea I think If you had something on record it would help if anything arises. I know in some cases when you get a restraining order you have to face the person, & there are other uncomfortable things that you may have to face where privacy is concerned, I know one of my friends did not want the other person to know where they lived..I would look up what all information is released but if he already knows where you live, I would protect my family.
Oh get some pepper spray. Hope it works out!
1) change your FB settings so that only "friends" can view or post on your page.
2) if you get another threatening message, I would respond that you are informing the person that these conversations are being turned over to the police as part of a greater harassment investigation. It will likely scare her off.
3) If BIL sends one more threatening text I'd contact the police. Personally I don't get how your DH could not support you at this point
I am appalled that your H does not support you calling the cops on this nut case brother of his, or at least doing anything about this situation. It's bad enough he's not taking the risk of safety to his wife seriously, but on top of that he's not even thinking about his infant son?? ITA with everyone who said to get a backup plan if this continues, whether H wants in or not.
I am also appalled that your ILs have custody of BIL's young daughter, yet her crazy, drug addicted father still lives in the house. Isn't that defeating the purpose of keeping her safe? Not to mention, you said MIL pulled a gun on BIL to stop him from chasing H with a fire poker; so this means they also have guns in the house with this child living there? DSS/CPS should be called, I can't blame whoever did it. I'm just sorry they accused you and all this terrible harassment started happening to your family.
Honestly, you should have called the police the first time. You felt threatened, he was harassing you, you call the police. You don't need your H to do that.
Now, in this case, you need to document everything--print out the messages on FB, get the girl's full name and make sure you save any VM's, FB messages, etc from BIL. If it keeps up, you call the police and get a restraining order against them both (and you can also report them to their ISP as what they're doing probably breaks their user agreement and they may be able to suspend their service).
If you feel BIL is a threat, you and your H need to get on the same page and do something about it. I find it kind of shocking that your husband did not share your feelings when he was sending hundreds of threatening texts and ripping you to shreds in voicemails. You've got a husband problem here.
I guess I don't see how a stranger saying BIL said you were cheating is a police matter. It's awful and nasty, definately. If you took his threates seriously last year, the restraining order would have expired by now anyway. (No other threates or threatening actions came since January?) And it might not even be in violation if someone else (this girl) sent the message, and not BIL. Even if you could prove the connection between this girl and BIL.
Okay, that got really complicated. The bottom line is - are you angry at BIL or do you feel threatened by him? If you feel threatened, why? Why now? Becuase of the FB message? Becuase that is the whole point.
She felt threatened before, but her H felt things would be worse if they confronted it. I think we're seeing more of the same right now. For all we know, this girl is actually BIL under a false name just trying to cause more drama because they haven't contacted him in a while.
I don't think she should call the police right now, but I do think she needs to document it (print the messages, take screen shots, etc.) because if it does escalate then they'll have some evidence to use against her (and him if there is a visible connection between the two).
I DO think she needs to talk this out with her husband so that they can get on the same page as to how to handle this--right now they're operating from two different perspectives.
DH and I talked more today since he was at work last night when all of this went down. After reading over the messages we are both in agreement that this sounds like typical, drunk BIL (but this girl did go to school with BIL). DH thinks he's trying to get me angry and say, "This is why I called DSS on you!"
We are keeping a record of everything and if it escalates we will promptly report it (we are in agreement). Other than that we are just going to pretend like this didn't happen. I haven't had any other contact and no one has contacted DH. I do have my FB private - people can search for me and send me messages though.
I really wish we would have contacted the police last January.
BIL knows so many people that DH grew up with and while he only keeps in contact with 2 of them (and they are great people) - I just hate for my name to get drug through the mud. These people know nothing about me. If BIL is saying things to DH's family, I could even see them believing BIL. It's just really hurtful and very embarrassing. No one would ever tell DH if BIL is spreading these lies.
I hate that DH is related to these people. I hate it for him. He's such a great guy dispite his childhood.
Thank you for all of your advice.
I didn't read all the other posts, so I apologize if I am just repeating what someone else said.
First thing I would do is send him a nice email letting him know it was not you, and you hope he can believe you.
If things don't change, I would definately delete him on FB.
And your husband should be straightening this crap out. Shame on him if he is not.