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Counseling for the ILs?
It's been steadily growing worse with the ILs and while DH is a doll at nipping things in the bud quickly and calling them out on bad behavior we both realize that the constant drama and negativity that is put on me is taking it's toll. He's offered to stop seeing them and I love him for the offer but I know that cutting them out of our lives is pretty silly and extreme considering that they're not toxic or dangerous. They're just petty and negative and not the nicest to me. So I think the only thing I can do is change how I'm dealing with them and try to stop letting them get under my skin and hurt my feelings so much. Which brings me to my question:
Can you get counseling for something like that? I know you can get marriage counseling and for emotional problems but I don't know what kind of a counselor to see when needing help with dealing with ILs and their mostly obnoxious but sometimes hurtful ways. Any suggestions? TIA!!
Re: Counseling for the ILs?
It's absolutely possible to get family counseling for something like this. A good family therapist would want to see the four of you and try to get you to open up about your feelings during this time of difficulty. I don't know if you're newlyweds or what, and if your MIL/FIL are just having a hard time accepting you into their family, or if the situation has gone on longer than that and is more complicated, but yes, it's absolutely a way to go.
The hard part will be, I think, getting them to go in. It seems from what you're saying that you'd be willing to go, as would your H, but them? Well, they might not understand how serious things are, and of course, no one wants to admit that they're "broken" and require therapeutic help.
Good luck.
We've been married over 5 years and together for almost 8 years so they should've accepted me in their family by now.
They won't be joined us though, they don't believe there is anything wrong with how they act and have said a few times when DH stands up to them that I'm the drama prone one and just looking to cause problems. So counseling would be just for myself and maybe DH if he thinks it'd be beneficial to him.
Disclaimer: I have been trying to think of a really polite sounding way to say what I'm about to say, because I don't mean (at all) for it to be snarky and I'm afraid it will sound that way. But I have started typing so many times that I am just going to say it.
I think it's great that you want to go to counseling to learn to deal with your ILs, and I'm sure that in some way that will help. That said, I feel like you're going to counseling is you accepting responsibility for the way they treat you.
I'm generally the first to say, in the case of IL trouble, that a person should look first at their own behavior and see if they can find places where they're to blame for the tension, so counseling would be a good place for you to do that. I just feel like you should have a combination of counseling and not seeing your ILs while you work through this all.
I worry that by putting yourself through counseling you're somehow going to end up learning to "cope" with the way you're treated rather than take a firm stand and demand to be treated better.
Does that make sense?
I think you could probably find a counselor to help you work on drawing/ maintaining boundaries and building your communication skills for dealing with difficult situations. Couldn't hurt- those are good life skills in general and a few extra strategies are always useful whether it's dealing with in-laws or co-workers or neighbors or what have you. But- I don't know that it's a solution in and of itself. You can "change your reaction," but there also needs to come a point where you decide how much of your time and energy you need and deserve to spend on handling people that are not making the effort to be kind to you.
I think there's also a lot of room in between "having a relationship" and "not seeing them." I would scale back visits and contact to a degree where you can handle them and aren't affected by their treatment- to a point where you can just "tune them out" or walk away without it being draining to keep having to do so. Put it this way- I have the skills to make a firm statement and walk away if a relative gets ugly. If I have to do that several times a month, that's exhausting. If I have to do that once a year, that's manageable. If not seeing them at all feels too extreme, try simply scaling back your contact and visits. If you're trying to see them around every major holiday and they won't treat you kindly, scale it back- pick one holiday and forget the rest. Or pick a non-holiday time to visit with them if visits are worse at holiday times. If visits aren't working, scale it back to phone calls with both you and DH on the line, and have an exit line and hang up when they get mean.
Show through ACTION (not seeing them) that you all won't accept the behavior.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think this is a brilliant idea.
A neutral third party expert can help you set appropriate boundaries, devise strategies to preserve your sanity, absolve guilt feelings and validate your worth and view of things.
Good for you, even better if your DH joins you. I'd insist because you need to be a team.
You can get counseling for anything you feel like you need help with, really.
Are you implying that you want personal counseling, or you want the ILs to go to counseling? Do they want counseling?
I changed my name
I don't think you were snarky.
I understand what you're saying but right now I don't know what else to do. We have cut them out of our lives for a few months 2 years ago because of a huge freak out his mom and SIL had on me. But we worked things out and for a little bit they seemed to be trying harder as well. I'd tried killing them with kindness and if anything that makes it worse. They ended up totally taking advantage of me. With everything we've tried over the years I realize they're never going to change so I feel like all I can do now is learn to cope with how they are.
Ok, I'm glad it wasn't snarky.
I hear what you're saying here. I have had a VERY on and off relationship with my ILs (specifically my MIL and SIL) so I understand the hurt and frustration that goes with that.
It sounds like therapy will be really good for you. I like that you're going into it with a "What tools can I learn to cope with this," mentality rather than a "How can I change myself in order to be a better fit in this family," mentality.
Good luck to you!
I just started counseling last week, largely to address my relationship/personality issues with MIL. In response to what a pp said about learning to cope: There is nothing wrong with learning to cope. Coping doesn't mean backing down when she is offensive. It just means finding a healthy way to handle the situation, without stewing in resentment, and without expecting the other person to change. The other person rarely will change.
You could try counseling. Also have you and DH talked about how you are going to handle certain situations? You might do this before each visit. I agree with scaling back contact. I've noticed the same thing that the more I try killing someone with kindness the worse it is. All you need to do is be polite- I wouldn't do anything extra for them.