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Was I Wrong Here? Need Opinions about Fight with my Brother
Hey ladies. I just need some advice. I'm in a big fight with my brother. He's graduating from his MBA program in Italy next month. He and my mother are flying to Italy for the ceremony.
I spoke with my dad today and he asked me how my brother is doing. I said he's fine. He asked me when my brother is graduating. I said "Sometime in mid to late December. The graduation is in Italy. Brother and Mommy are going." He expressed that he wanted to go, to which I replied "You should contact my brother and get the details. I'm sure he'd love you to come and you've never been to Italy. It could be nice."
I then BBMed my brother and told him "I just spoke with Daddy and he wants to go to your graduation." As a side note, my dad gave my brother around $20,000 to help fund this education.
My brother then called me and biitched me out. He was like, "You shouldn't have said anything to daddy about my graduation. I don't want him to come. There's no way he and mommy would get along the whole time...blah blah blah. You shouldn't have said anything. I was going to wait a few weeks for the cost of airfare to rise before I said anything to him so he wouldn't come." To which I replied, "I didn't give him specifics. What was I supposed to do? Lie to him? I thought you'd be happy that he took an interest in going to your graduation. Mommy and daddy got divorced 20 years ago. There's no reason they shouldn't be able to get along. You're being ridiculous." He said, "Can you wrap your little head around the idea that this is MY graduation and I should be the one who decides who can and cannot come to it."
So I again told him he was being ridiculous, bid him a good night, and hung up. He then deleted me from BBM and texted me and said, "You are being an inconsiderate child. I await your apology." To which I replied, "Well don't hold your breath while you wait." He then, maturely said, "F*** yourself in the meantime." I said, "You're being ridiculous. God forbid daddy wants to go to the graduation for the education he helped pay for. You need to reexamine who's being inconsiderate."
He then said, "You need to reexamine what's your business and what isn't. The whole world doesn't revolve around your idea of 'justice'. I could give a f*** what you think I should do or not do, and I resent your meddlesome attitude." I said, "Well, thanks for clearing that up. I await your removing your head from your arse." He says, "You f*** up, refuse to admit it, and then wonder why you can't maintain friendships. Mystery solved."
I let him know that he was being abusive, inconsiderate, and a jackasss. I told him I wasn't making personal attacks. He claims he's treating me the way I treat him and if I don't like it, I should start behaving decently. I said I look forward to the day he grows up, said I was done arguing, and bid him a good weekend.
Please tell me your thoughts on the situation. Was I wrong for saying anything to my dad? It's not like they don't talk and I had no idea that he was actively lying to my dad about graduation. I'm shocked by how nasty and abusive he's being towards me over this.
Thoughts?
I spoke with my dad today and he asked me how my brother is doing. I said he's fine. He asked me when my brother is graduating. I said "Sometime in mid to late December. The graduation is in Italy. Brother and Mommy are going." He expressed that he wanted to go, to which I replied "You should contact my brother and get the details. I'm sure he'd love you to come and you've never been to Italy. It could be nice."
I then BBMed my brother and told him "I just spoke with Daddy and he wants to go to your graduation." As a side note, my dad gave my brother around $20,000 to help fund this education.
My brother then called me and biitched me out. He was like, "You shouldn't have said anything to daddy about my graduation. I don't want him to come. There's no way he and mommy would get along the whole time...blah blah blah. You shouldn't have said anything. I was going to wait a few weeks for the cost of airfare to rise before I said anything to him so he wouldn't come." To which I replied, "I didn't give him specifics. What was I supposed to do? Lie to him? I thought you'd be happy that he took an interest in going to your graduation. Mommy and daddy got divorced 20 years ago. There's no reason they shouldn't be able to get along. You're being ridiculous." He said, "Can you wrap your little head around the idea that this is MY graduation and I should be the one who decides who can and cannot come to it."
So I again told him he was being ridiculous, bid him a good night, and hung up. He then deleted me from BBM and texted me and said, "You are being an inconsiderate child. I await your apology." To which I replied, "Well don't hold your breath while you wait." He then, maturely said, "F*** yourself in the meantime." I said, "You're being ridiculous. God forbid daddy wants to go to the graduation for the education he helped pay for. You need to reexamine who's being inconsiderate."
He then said, "You need to reexamine what's your business and what isn't. The whole world doesn't revolve around your idea of 'justice'. I could give a f*** what you think I should do or not do, and I resent your meddlesome attitude." I said, "Well, thanks for clearing that up. I await your removing your head from your arse." He says, "You f*** up, refuse to admit it, and then wonder why you can't maintain friendships. Mystery solved."
I let him know that he was being abusive, inconsiderate, and a jackasss. I told him I wasn't making personal attacks. He claims he's treating me the way I treat him and if I don't like it, I should start behaving decently. I said I look forward to the day he grows up, said I was done arguing, and bid him a good weekend.
Please tell me your thoughts on the situation. Was I wrong for saying anything to my dad? It's not like they don't talk and I had no idea that he was actively lying to my dad about graduation. I'm shocked by how nasty and abusive he's being towards me over this.
Thoughts?
Re: Was I Wrong Here? Need Opinions about Fight with my Brother
You did overstep your bounds saying your brother would love to have him come for graduation. You don't know that. You spoke on behalf of your brother without the knowledge of his wishes.
He shouldn't have swore at you or called you names during the argument, but you weren't acting maturely yourself.
You both owe each other apologies. You can start.
I am just snickering that you both still call your parents "mommy" and "daddy" - that is kind of funny...
Slowly but surely.
This.
Seriously.
Do you want to fight with him or resolve the issue? Are you more concerned with being "right" or mending things with your brother?
It sounds like a silly immature fight to have, but these things get escalated and out of control real fast until someone steps up and acts like an adult. Do you want to be that someone?
Tell your brother you are sorry for the miscommunication. Tell him you didn't intend to mess up his graduation by communicating the event to your father and you hope he understands you certainly didn't do anything out of maliciousness or with intent to hurt him.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you all of you who actually provided advice.
Yes, we still call our parents the equivalent of "mommy and daddy". This is normal in my culture. I translated the conversation into English for you.
YOU WERE WRONG. YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE.
The reality is, this is HIS graduation, not yours. It is HIS relationship with his mother and father, not yours. And YOU do not know what is going on with all three (graduation/mother/father) incidents.
So for you to presume TO KNOW what is best is extremely self-centered on your part and can actually do some harm (again since you do know know the full facts of his/their reality).
Other than using the swear words, everything he said to you - from recognizing what is your business and what is not, to pushing your views on what is rigtheous or not on others and being meddlesome - was correct, not rude.
And to be honest, if my sister tried to tell me how I should interact with my parents over my college education - I would start swearing at her too. Because that is overstepping some serious boundaries.
I would apologize.
It's not your job to determine what your brother "owes" your dad for taking $20K for their graduation. If you invited my ILS to one of my events because "they would love to go, and they gave you a couple grand for your wedding." I'd be royally pissed. I have a feeling, other than your personal belief that "famlily should stick together, no matter what," that having your mom and dad together won't be "nice" for your brother. And lucky you - you won't be around to deal with this!
However, you do need to let your brother know that you are not going to keep secrets from your dad. According to your post, your dad asked you when the graduation was. You answered. It's not your job to pretend you don't know, or to warn your dad that he isn't welcome. That's your brother's job. At least you warned your brother!
I find it odd that your brother doesn't expect your parents to act like adults, but expects you to lie on his behalf. It's too bad the family dynamic in your home was that the adults behaved like children and the children took on the adult role, but you can change that and expect your parents to behave themselves.
FWIW, my DH referred to his stepmom (who he HATED) as "mommy" to his sister (his stepmom's bio-child) until he was 50, when he started referring to stepmom by her first name. It was just the (dysfunctional) family dynamic, it doesn't mean that dh thought of himself as a child - esp. HER child!
Your brother sounds like an asssh0le. Granted, it may not have been right for you to speak on his behalf but all you were doing was answering a simple question your dad asked. You had no idea at the time that it was going to escalate into such a blowout. Mistakes happen.
Apologize to your brother for the "mistake." Tell him you had no idea it was such a big deal to him about dad coming. Be the better person. The tantrum he threw makes him look like an assclown.
Are you the same person with the brother who buys $5K gifts for your mom and expects you to go "halfsies?" Who's mom expects you to drop your plans every weekend to celebrate family birthdays, but can't be bothered to visit you? You are better off with them not talking to you!!! I bet your brother will start "speaking to you" once $1,500 bill for your mom's Christmas present comes due.
Your brother is a jerk, but you did wrong things too, like encourage your dad to attend your brother's graduation (you could have just given your dad the date).
If you feel the need to apologize, apologize for the misunderstanding, but make it clear that you will not lie to anyone on his behalf.
You're both in the wrong here. You should've said "I'm not sure of the details about his graduation, you should call brother.". He over-reacted to your saying "hey, dad wants to come to your graduation".
Your brother is right about one thing, it is his business who he invites to his graduation--if he doesn't want your father there, that's his decision not yours. It's not your job to interfere here.
And "Mommy & Daddy"? Really? How old are you?
It's true that your brother can invite whomever he wants to graduation,and I guess technically you "overstepped", but it's beyond immature of him to try to avoid the issue by waiting until the plane fare got too expensive and then inviting his father so that he won't come. If he's really that adamant about your dad not going to the graduation, then he needs to grow a pair and tell him so.
Your brother sounds like an assho!e, frankly.
I think you were wrong to speak for your brother without his permission.
At the same time, I think it's really weird that your brother insists on your dad not going, especially when he paid for a large part of his education.
You both are acting very immature and need to apologize.
(To all the haters out there... I'm 24 and my sisters are 26 and 29. We're all independent, strong women... and we still call our parents Mommy and Daddy. That's how we grew up, and for me, that's their name. I would feel weird calling them something else. I have also have 4 adult cousins, all sisters, who still call their parents Mommy and Daddy.)
I think it sounds like a typical sibling fight .. inlcuding name calling, demands for apology and horrible, spiteful accusations. I think you both completely lost your sh!t.
You didn't know or anticate the whole "lets hide this from dad plan ... and make it too expensive to travel when I do reveal he details plan." So, since you were not privy to it, you acted as if he was welcome to go. In fact, you encouraged it. When you were told that was not the case, you were defensive. Then, your brother misplaced his anger and resentment about your dad onto you.
Then it just got brilliantly rude and horrid with personal attacks only siblings can launch.
That's my opinion.
with the whole mommy and daddy thing...
this is weird...are you by chance from anywhere near Philly as this is the ONLY place I have ever heard adults refer to their parents a mommy and daddy.
you did overstep your bounds by telling your dad that your bro would like him to attend. don't speak on behalf of others. apologize to your brother for that.
and you really do both sound like 5 year olds.
Wow, this is pretty ridiculous. Initially, the only thing you did wrong was tell your dad that your brother would love to have him at the graduation. Deflecting so that he should call your brother, however, was an appropriate response.
After that, it all went downhill and turned into a sixth grade pissing contest. You both overreacted. Act like adults and move on.
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Hahahahahaha! Oh, jesus, thank you for that laugh. Tell you what - go somewhere (anywhere) outside of your insular viewpoint, and realize that the US is not the only country in the world, and our particular culture is not the only culture in the world, and our practices and idioms and colloquialisms are not the only ones in the world. Things outside the US are (gasp) different. Imagine that!