Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Holiday Mayhem- HELP!
I don't usually post-- so now that I am I really need some help!
Husband's family lives 1.5 hours away. We usually do Thanksgiving with his father's HUGE side of the family, Christmas Eve with my family, and Christmas Day with his.
I enjoy Thanksgiving there because we watch football, see all the cousins we never do, and have good conversations.
My family, including my 81 year old grandmother, is rather sad because we have been celebrating and having 2 holiday meals with my HUSBAND'S family. I understand where they are coming from.
So this year, we proposed that we come the ENTIRE WEEKEND before Christmas to celebrate with HIS family. Go ice skating, eat good meals, bake cookies, etc. We simply proposed this idea.
The MIL FLIPPED. "You know I have no family besides you guys, your dad, and your brothers." She hung up on my husband.
Now, we were not trying to make her upset. Simply have a conversation about what to do. Needless to say, she said we either come Christmas Day or don't come at all. So we are going to their house Christmas Day, and seeing my family on Thanksgiving.
I think she is being unreasonable. I feel she needs to understand that I have a family too. I do see where she is coming from, only having her close family. But she is being very rude about it, telling my husband he "needs to stand up for them", as if my family was picking on her's.
So... what do your families do for the holidays? Anybody in the same predicament that I am in?
Re: Holiday Mayhem- HELP!
The Dogs and Us
Time to stop asking for permission here. You and your H need to decide what you're going to do for the holidays, and then announce it and do it. Your ILs, or your own parents for that matter, do not have to like it.
My H and I live about 4.5 hours from my family and 13 or 14 hours from his (by car). We do not travel for Thanksgiving, and we alternate Christmas between my parents and his parents. We announced this right after our wedding, and then we've stuck to it. We said
1.) we may travel for other holidays, but only if we want and if we do it obligates us to nothing (essentially, if we ravel for Thanksgiving AND Christmas to the same family, we're not going to feel bad about that) and
2.) this plan is in place until there are children. When we have kids, we will reevaluate and maybe have a different plan.
As an aside, your MIL is being a HUGE baby and she is doing it to get her own way. And it worked.
Why should she? Being an unreasonable b!tch has gotten her what she wants; why on earth would she change?
You and your H need to come up with a solution that's fair to both of you and tell her to like it or lump it. And then when she starts crying because she doesn't like it, he needs to let her know that it's too damned bad, that his wife's family matters too. And then he needs to stand by that.
I've learned that no one is interested in my point of view (or anyone else's), just their own. Sad but true. So, I don't expect in-laws or parents to 'talk-out' options or to see several sides. You have to do that and the hard work of disappointing people.
And for what it's worth, I did T-day with my parents 3 years ago, a full weekend before T-day with my parents 2 years ago (in anticipation for missing T-day) and a WEEK-long visit, including T-day last year and caught a full-blown guilt trip to attend AGAIN this year. Their sense of entitlement is outstanding. So, the lesson is - no one keeps track of the time you offer, only the time you don't. Go and live your life. Parents will survive their disappointment.
Well, I do agree w/ the others that you need to stop asking for permission. If you want to spend Christmas Day w/ your family- then do it. You and your DH figure out what works for the two of you then TELL them "this is what we're doing this year.".
BUT - if she doesn't want to celebrate the weekend before, that's her perogative! It's 100% fine for her to say "it's x-mas day or nothing". If she doesn't want to spread it out, for whatever reason, she's allowed to say "no" to that.
Do I agree w/ you that it's unfair of her to expect you will spend every x-mas w/ them, especially as you also spend every Thanksgiving w/ them? Absolutely. She's being unrealistic and if that's where her "x-mas or nothing" is coming from - that sucks and it's immature of her.
But you and DH wanting to change how the two of yo udo things doesn't mean that anyone else should have to change their plans to accomodate you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
we live far away from both families, so what we do is spend Thanksgiving with my family, then Christmas with his. The next year we switch, so every other year we spend a different holiday with a different side. This is our third year doing this, and so far it has worked out really well. Both sides are ok with it, and neither side feels left out.
I would suggest coming up with a system like that, so every year you dont have to have the same old fight about picking sides.
I changed my name
Eh MIL, has had it good long enough. Time for a change. I say bite the bullet and do whatever you and your husband want. Remember it is your holiday too and you can spend it however you please.
Are you two planning on having children one day? If you do, would you ever want to spend some private time with just your own little family ? If so, then start a new tradition now.
am i readin your post right - in that you are not relenting and going to their house on christmas day, as a result of MIL's tantrum?
if so, then now you know why she throws a fit - b/c you will give in.
i would recommend you do t-day with one family and christmas with the other family. and then, the following year, switch.
end.of.story.
that way, each family is aware of the plan and you don't have to go through this ridiciulousness every year.
From my perspective (and the perspective of my parents as well)...
The weekend before Christmas would just not work. There are so many darn things to do, the LAST thing I would look forward to is having visitors. Now maybe it WOULD be different if the visitors were my ONLY son, but I have parents, friends, party invites, gifts left to buy, etc. I could not realax and enjoy myself while "ice skating and sipping hot chocolate." The weekend AFTER Christmas? Great.
That being said, if your MIL said "It's Christmas day or nothing," you should say "ok, nothing. We offered, and we're willing to find a time that works for you, but we will be spending Christmas day by ourselves / with my family this year.
It's too bad that she doesn't have a large family, but that's not your problem!
And I'm guessing that she divorced FIL? That is hardly your problem to solve!
We don't see DH's family for any holidays. FIL is an ass and DH doesn't really want to see him. But it does bother him not to see his mom for the holidays. They are in a cult and spend every holiday in "church".
But it solves a lot of the problems of who we see for the holidays.
This. This, this this.
You are adults. Make a plan that works for you and let them know what you are willing/able to do. Realize, in doing so, that everyone involved are adults as well, and has the ability and right to make plans that work for them, whether or not those work for you. It goes both ways.
H and I did this, and my grandparents won't be celebrating Thanksgiving with us because we are having both families over for lunch at the same time they will be going to my distant uncle's house (H works nights, and we had no other choice than to not celebrate together). So in the nicest way I explained that I completely understood, but we had to do what we had to do for us, and that we'd see them at the family Christmas, if not randomly before. End of story. Everyone was fine with it.
If you change your mind (hard to do now that you've given her what she wants, but do what makes you happy), do not bring your family into it in terms of fairness. She will not think it is fair no matter how fair it actually is. Simply have your H say: "We have decided that Schedule X is what works for us and what we want to do. While we understand that these dates may not work for you, we will be there on these dates and these dates only, and will celebrate with you in every way possible then."
I completely agree with everyone else! You definitely need to stick to your guns! However, I know how a manipulative MIL can be. So you need to "give it back", without causing major drama...
So, maybe this is a different idea for you as a START. Go on Christmas day, but only stay for a few hours! Although it may suck, continue to do this for a few years, and then maybe the WHOLE weekend before Xmas idea will start to look better to your MIL. Just an idea to gradually tweak the plans without a complete mess of drama. BUT, if the MIL does not budge, you have to pull the plug and like everyone else said, make your own plans and don't budge on them either! You have to be fair to not only your family, but to yourselves as well.
If MIL can not understand that your family wants to see you and your husband too - then don't go.
I would alternate between the families every year and tell her this is what you are doing. If she don't like it - too bad.
Don't know if you and DH have kids, but if not - I am sure things are going to change then.
Since MIL gave you such a nasty ultimatum I would spend Thanksgiving with her and Christmas Day with your family, and you can spend Christmas Eve enjoying it alone with your DH or with your family. Then, next year you can alternate. This year let MIL stew in her own juices for telling you its "Christmas Day or nothing" so give her nothing on Christmas Day.
Froguy85, I feel your pain!
My DH and I live 3hrs away from both of our families. We decided after getting engaged last year that we were going to rotate hoidays with our families (TG with his, Xmas with mine, Easter with his and then switch the next year). Apparently this was not good enough for my MIL and BIL.
Last year at TG my BIL, a cop, was working until 5pm so DH and I popped over to my parents house to say "Happy T-giving" to my parents, aunts and uncles, cousins and 85 year old grandmother. We got back to the ILs house before BIL and fam even got there and spent the rest of the day/night there. I didn't hear anything about unfairness until this years TG.
My MIL and BIL both yelled at my DH saying that we should be having TG with them because we spent a few hrs with my family last year. BIL went on to inform us that because his work schedule doesn't coordinate with our holiday schedule we should change all of our plans to better suit him ( he was off on TG and we ate at my parents, he will work on Xmas and we will eat with the ILs). BIL also yelled at us for spending the night with DH's cousin whom we haven't seen in almost 6 mos. BIL claims that whenever we are up around the folks we should only spend time with him- however he has a 2 yr old and a newborn and no extra room for us.
I relented to sharing TG this year because I didn't want to deal with the drama and my parents/family were very accomidating and understanding. We spent the morning at my parents house helping to cook, and then 2 hours with my family when everyone arrived. We then went over to the ILs where MIL, FIL BIL (+ wife and 2 kids) were just sitting around the TV veggitating. We stayed there the rest of the night until it was time for bed and went back to my parents house. We hardly got to see my sister who had just gotten back to the US after spending 6 mo in Italy. But BIL was placated so thats all that mattered.
As far as I am concerned we are all even and will proceed to rotate hoidays with no future drama.
What really gets me is that while my family has come down to help DH and I move, and to visit several times a year, DH's family refuses to come visit us. And then they have the gall to call up and guilt DH for not seeing them enough! DH sees that this isn't fair but is usually unwilling to say or do anything about it.
I have been dealing with this for 7 years, but it still grates on me. I am trying to be patient and to "rise above" but it's not easy!