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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Are you comfortable with this or not?
As I was typing my FFFC below, I got curious.
1. Are you comfortable having dinner with a heterosexual man without your DH present?
2. Are you comfortable having dinner with a gay man without your DH present?
3. Are you comfortable with your DH having dinner with a heterosexual woman without you present?
4. Are you comfortable with your DH having dinner with a lesbian woman without you present?
Re: Are you comfortable with this or not?
Maybe this will stir up some weekend traffic
My answer: I'm actually comfortable with all of the above (and we've done all but number 4 just because DH doesn't have any lesbian friends) PROVIDED one of us isn't intentionally excluded (if the person is straight.) That's not really an issue, though, because I just can't imagine being friends with a straight guy who says, "Why don't you come to XYZ but your husband isn't invited." That's just weird.
Because of our work schedules, DH and I each spend a lot of time alone. He occasionally goes out for a beer or two and "dinner" (at 8am because he works nights) with a female coworker when he gets off work when they've had a particularly stressful night. I know I could come along, but I'd be pissed if he woke me up by calling to ask me if I wanted to
I sometimes have dinner with a male friend at a conference if DH can't come or in town if he's working.
That said, I also understand that some people aren't as ok with these kinds of scenarios as we are- in the situation I described in my FFFC, when my male friend and I realized that, for the first time, neither of our spouses could come along due to work, I made sure to ask him if it was ok if with his wife if we still went. And I do have a limit, I suppose---a group of us from work were planning to go bar hopping the other night, and when people started backing out to where it was down to just this single faculty guy and I, I declined. Even though he's 15 years older than I am, I wouldn't want either the faculty guy or my DH to get the wrong idea. I know DH trusts me, but I'd feel kind of weird about DH hanging out at 2am at a bar with a single woman I, so I imagine he'd feel the same way. I have no idea why, though. That just feels like "the line" to me. Maybe it's that it just looks kind of skeevy.
So...where's your line?
1. Are you comfortable having dinner with a heterosexual man without your DH present? I never have, and I probably wouldn't. But mainly because I'm not that close with any heterosexual men. Maybe one, DH would probably be okay with, but I would feel weird.
2. Are you comfortable having dinner with a gay man without your DH present? Honestly, I don't really know any gay men
. Not because I don't want homosexual friends, just because I don't know any lol.
3. Are you comfortable with your DH having dinner with a heterosexual woman without you present? Hmm, there are two that I can think of that I'd be okay with. But I'm really close to both, one's married and the other I've known since kindergarten and we were room mates my freshman year of college. And I know she wouldn't ever do anything inappropriate.
4. Are you comfortable with your DH having dinner with a lesbian woman without you present? Same as number 2, I don't really know any lesbian women.
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1. Are you comfortable having dinner with a heterosexual man without your DH present? Absolutely.
2. Are you comfortable having dinner with a gay man without your DH present? Absolutely.
3. Are you comfortable with your DH having dinner with a heterosexual woman without you present? Absolutely.
4. Are you comfortable with your DH having dinner with a lesbian woman without you present? Absolutely.
In fact, I'm pretty sure all four have happened at some point in time. It's called trust. When I was mentoring a first-year teacher, we often went out to dinner (H was in law school in the evenings) to discuss his orchestra, areas that needed improvement, areas he was doing well in, etc. We became good friends, actually. I've been to lunch with male coworkers before, too.
1. Are you comfortable having dinner with a heterosexual man without your DH present? Nope.
2. Are you comfortable having dinner with a gay man without your DH present? Yep.
3. Are you comfortable with your DH having dinner with a heterosexual woman without you present? Nope.
4. Are you comfortable with your DH having dinner with a lesbian woman without you present? Yep.
I fully trust my H, and he fully trusts me.... But I wouldn't disrespect him by having a private, unchaperoned dinner with a heterosexual person of the opposite sex. THAT IS MY OPINION. I'm not saying that if you have had dinner under those circumstances, you are purposefully disrespecting your husband. There are plenty of situations where this is not the case, I am fully aware.
When I was new to my church, still single, my campus pastor asked me to lunch to get to know me better (which he offers to every new member) and he was quick to say there would be a female chaperone present. At my gyno's office (who is a dude) there is always a female nurse present-- I kind of think of it in those terms. Whether or not you intend to have an inappropriate relationship with the person you've gone to dinner with or not, you are putting yourself in a situation where you COULD.
Flame away.
This.
We did have one incidence where DH said he was comfortable with my going to hang out with man "alone" and discovered as it was happening that he wasn't as OK with it as he'd thought. The guy was an old friend of mine who I had also dated for a few months in high school. When I got back from meeting him to have a drink (we weren't actually alone because his bandmates were present), DH was pretty freaked out about it. We talked about it a lot and, in the end, he decided he wasn't being rational. He knows that I have no romantic interest in this man, and my friend made it clear in some emails/messages we exchanged that he had no interest in trying to rekindle anything romantic with me. I have since met with the friend again (actually alone this time) for a drink and this time DH had no qualms about it whatsoever.
The only exceptions I have for feeling comfortable are past relationships where feelings may not have been completely resolved (I have one ex whom with whom I would not be comfortable going to dinner without someone else present). Unless I had reason to believe there were romantic feelings involved, I would be comfortable with H going to dinner with whomever he wished.
I think it's kind of funny that so many women think that other women are just going to throw themselves at their husbands. Even if they did, I know my husband would say no and walk away. It's happened before, actually. He's even got a friend that tried to "test" him when they were in NO once (we were just dating then and I wasn't on the trip. I also did not ask this friend to do this "test" and was appalled when I found out from him) and H evidently never even turned his head, according to the friend.
I've also gone dancing without H (it's the only way I ever can) and have danced with other men, some I knew, some I didn't. I've gone to parties without H lots of times, and vice versa. H has been out with women before, though I usually know them. He doesn't really have many female friends.
I don't really see this as something that's flammable. It's a decision that's so unique to each couple and each of our decisions don't impact one another whatsoever.
I would find it flame-worthy, however, if one partner was supercontrolling over the other (e.g., telling your spouse they're not "allowed" to work professionally with someone of the other sex or that they had to drop all of their opposite sexed friends that they've had for years once they began dating and couldn't even hang out in groups with them.) That would send up red flags for me if a girlfriend's husband or a guy friend's new girlfriend began doing that.
I've known people who have done this. They claimed religious reasons
1. Are you comfortable having dinner with a heterosexual man without your DH present? Yup.
2. Are you comfortable having dinner with a gay man without your DH present? Yup.
3. Are you comfortable with your DH having dinner with a heterosexual woman without you present? To a certain extent.
4. Are you comfortable with your DH having dinner with a lesbian woman without you present? Yes.
I'm with some of you other gals - I trust H. I don't trust other girls. I'm cool with him having dinner with a heterosexual woman if I know her, but if I don't know her, I get antsy. I won't tell him not to have dinner with her - I know it'll happen more often than not now since there are females in his unit [his first shirt is a female] - but I'd still be uncomfortable with it to a certain extent.
H knows all of my guy friends, but if he was to tell me he was uncomfortable with it, I wouldn't do it. I really don't hang out with guys by myself anyway - most of the guys I know, I know through my sister. :P
I don't think going out to dinner with a man would make me uncomfortable necessarily, but I don't know that I would do it, regardless of his sexual preferece.
I can't imagine H going out to dinner with any woman without me there, just because any of his female friends are also friends of mine. I asked him if he ever goes to out lunch with a woman alone, and he said no. He said anytime one of his reps in a woman and takes him out to lunch others are always there.
I am also in the camp of "I trust H, but not other woman"
1. Are you comfortable having dinner with a heterosexual man without your DH present? Depends on the man.
2. Are you comfortable having dinner with a gay man without your DH present? Yes.
3. Are you comfortable with your DH having dinner with a heterosexual woman without you present? Depends on the woman.
4. Are you comfortable with your DH having dinner with a lesbian woman without you present? Yes.
For #1 and #3, there are some people I'd be okay with, but some I'd be REALLY not okay with. Boymom said it well.
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I would be comfortable with most of these circumstances, but like several PP said, it depends on the person with whom DH or I would be going to dinner.
One of DH's good friends here is female, so they go out to lunch or dinner occasionally, mostly with me or a group along, but sometimes alone. I hang out with her on my own too, and I know she has no romantic interest in my husband. However, I was uncomfortable with a different female friend DH had in college- no idea why, just had a strange vibe from her- and didn't want them going out alone.
I work with mainly men, so it's not unheard of for me to go out to lunch with just one of them- not because we want to be alone, but because nobody else wants to go.
Lunch?? Really? I eat lunch with a ton of people I have zero romantic interest in.
In that case, I could never go to lunch with anyone from work since I am one of two females in an organization of 30 (and the other female doesn't speak english well and we don't work on any projects together so I barely know her). Traveling for work would be completely impossible without eating dinner unchaperoned with men.
That's how DH's work is (only in reverse.) If he didn't eat lunch with a woman/women, he would have to eat alone every day.