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The more the merrier - party for 1
I often lurk around here and realize that many give straight up advice, no bs etc. I'm looking for some valid thoughts, and explanations since my husband doesn't seem to be able to articulate one of the major 'issues' in our marriage.
I grew up in a family of four. Mom dad, brother and me. That said, we were constantly surrounded by family. Aunts babysat us, cousins came over to play and we spent our weekends with both sets of grandparents. We were always surrounded by family. Holidays were the same... a house full of people, lot's of laughing, food, good times. I can't help but associate happy times, happy life full of family, food and laughter.
My husband and I settled down in a city 4 hours away from most family. This means we see my parents and his mom maybe once a month, sometimes if that. He seems to think once a month visits can be too much. Yet here we are with the only grandchild on both sides and I feel like she's being deprived of quality time with those who were so special to me. Now let's talk about holidays... I've always said I wouldn't make my children travel for holidays, but everyone and I mean everyone and anyone are invited to come to our place for as long as they want. Our house is large enough to host everyone comfortably. My husband feels that Christmas day should be reserved for just he, my daughter and I. That's the life we lead EVERY SINGLE DAY... I don't understand that on a holiday like Christmas, why we should isolate ourselves. So he's finally accepted that I want my parents AND his mom to be there if they are willing to travel and want to spend it with us. Recently an aunt and uncle of mine moved closer and so I thought how fantastic, I could invite them to Christmas dinner, we could have a great family dinner, like the good ol' days. He said absolutely not, that they are extended family and that we should only have immediate family for Christmas and we could visit them a few days later. He can't seem to explain why he feels this way. It's not a money thing because my parents have offered to pay for the whole dinner... but why are 2 extra people such a big deal? We have been married 6 years now, together for the past 12 years. I just can't seem to understand his thinking and am hoping that maybe someone else can articulate it for him, so that I can understand.
Sorry for the long post. Thanks for your feedback!
Kim
Re: The more the merrier - party for 1
Repeat after me: "My husband's attitude about how he wants to spend the holidays is not wrong, it's just different."
Seriously, there is nothing in your post that indicates that your husband is unreasonable. It sounds like he was willing to compromise in allowing your parents and his mom to join you for Christmas. Stop trying to steamroll him into doing things exactly how you think they should be done. Why do you have no consideration for his feelings too?
And you can't understand his thinking, but I can't understand why you can't accept his solution of seeing extended family a few days later. I come from a huge family as well, but we almost always spent Christmas with our immediate families, and had a large family party a few days later. Why don't you host a big family party every year the weekend after Christmas?
First of all, why wasn't this addressed before you got married? You dated for six years before the wedding- plenty of time to get a sense of how you each celebrate the holidays and how much family time you can handle. I wouldn't place a whole lot of hope in your husband changing when he has been like this for 12 years.
Also, I think it's kind of selfish to say you'll never make your child travel for holidays, and other people must travel if they want to see you. It detracts from your argument that it's soooo important to see family directly on Christmas.
I don't think it matters that your husband can't explain specifically why he likes to celebrate Christmas the way he does. His preferences are equally as valid as yours. Just like with other issues in a relationship, you have to compromise. You could switch celebrations every other year- one year, you do the big family blow-out, whether you host or travel to someone else's home, and the next year, the three of you spend a relaxing Christmas at home without having to worry about packing luggage and driving or worrying about other people's comfort.
Thanks for the reply. Just to clarify... I never said he was wrong. I just said I want to understand.
I don't quite understand how I've "steamrolled" him into doing things exactly how I think they should be done given that we only just started spending the holiday with our family at our house** 2 years ago when our daughter was born. Are you suggesting that our families shouldn't ever visit because that's what he would prefer???
**Realized I missed a few words... Obviously that would make things seem completely different!
So, really, you are the one changing things up on him.
Now, dont' get me wrong. now that I have DS, we're doing the holidays differently than we did before. BUT still w/in close proximity to how we used to do things. we aren't going from one extreme to the other, which it kind of seems like you're doing.
I get where you're coming from, but I dont' fully understand why, if this family christmas was so wonderful and important to you, why you've skipped out on it for the past 12 years.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yes, that's exactly what we are suggesting.
You chose to marry someone who thinks seeing family once a month is excessive, and you were fine with not celebrating with your extended family until your daughter came along. It's understandable that you might want to change things up a bit now that you have a child, but you can't expect your husband to change at the drop of a hat. You're just going to have to communicate with each other (without criticizing the other's different way of celebrating) and figure out something that works for you. You're both going to have to give a little. You both have to stop focusing on WHY you have different preferences, and work on coming to an agreement that is acceptable, if not ideal, to both of you.
We used to spend Christmas day driving 6 hours to spend time with both families. We would partake in the fun Christmas Eve parties with my family, wake up with my parents, have breakfast drive 6 hours to my mil's for supper with his family, then the following day drive 3 hours home so that we could go to work the day after that. When my daughter was born i just couldn't imagine making her sit in the car for 6 hours Christmas day. Which is why we agreed on having family come to us, making a new tradition. Whoever can come is welcomed. This was the agreement my husband and I made. But now I'm realizing he meant my parents and his mom only... not extended family. (we live centrally to both parents).
I lurk, but I've rd the thread and have a simple question.
What makes you so special that your child can't travel? Is it a medical condition? or you have an over active bladder? What?
You want a new tradition of staying home for Christmas. He agrees with that, and also wants to start a tradition of smaller Christmases. Why does he need to explain any further?
Ah, yes. "At our house" does make a difference.
Would everyone, or most everyone, actually be staying with you? If so, I can't say that I disagree w/ him. The idea of hosting "everyone" and having many people stay in our home.... yes, it doesn't allow the 3 of you to have your own, smaller, holiday celebration.
On that, I get where he's coming from.
And maybe he's knee jerk response is that if he has to deal w/ people being in his home to where you all can't have your own thing, then he doesn't want a HUGE event at any point in the day. Maybe to him, that's his compromise.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sounds like to me your dh was never really thrilled to be running here, running there every holiday. He might not like big gatherings, and was just sucking it up for you, and for the families' sake.
You both have different ideas of what holidays mean to you, and how you wish to celebrate them. You have to find a balance of what works for both of you. He has a right to a pleasant holiday just as much as you do. Having a houseful of people to entertain might not be his idea of a good time.
I haven't read the other posts yet but I'm similar to your husband in this. I love family but once a month to see H's parents and my parents is a lot sometimes( we tend to see them about once every other month and sometimes it still feels like a lot..and I love them), especially since it usually needs to be done on the weekends because of travel, sometimes that one extra weekend a month that we HAVE to visit our families during gets to be stressful, I'm guessing you sleep over too if you're 4 hours away, that's a lot, especially if the other weekends are already full with other things.
As for having christmas day or at least christmas morning be for just the 3 of you I don't see what the problem in that is. That's one of my 'requests' for our family too, I want to be able to start my own traditions, when I was little the best memories were christmas morning with just my parents and brothers. Maybe keeping this small and intimate is important to your husband too.
And why not the aunt? well maybe he wants it as stress free as possible, and doesn't want this to snowball into something even bigger (having to invite other aunts and uncles) Having people over isn't always easy, there's cleaning, cooking, entertaining, maybe he likes the relax factor during holidays.
You could offer an every-other-year option with DH- have people over one year and then just the 3 of you the next year.
I also agree with not traveling on Christmas with kids. I valued waking up every Christmas morning in my own bed in my house. I want the same for my children. We open our house to anyone who would like to come over and will consider in-town visits on Christmas Eve/Day.
It would be interesting to know what reason your husband actually gave to you, when the two of you discussed it. Your post only mentions his preference to keep it to immediate family, but no details on why he feels this way.
There's so many reasons why he might feel this way. It could have something to do with not enjoying a lot of people at one time. Maybe he doesn't want to adjust his routine to host a lot of people. Maybe he doesn't care for a lot of these people he's had to tolerate.
And I'll toss in my BIL's reason, he hates how worked up his wife gets when she's hosting a big family thing. I hate to toss that out there, because it might it have nothing to do with your situation.
There's a number of reasons why your husband might prefer immediate family, but he has to explain that viewpoint to you.
ETA: And he didn't say you couldn't host all your family members, he's just asking you to do that on more than one day, which I think is a perfectly reasonable compromise. I would enjoy hosting smaller family visits beyond Christmas Day.
I live with a similar situation and it depresses me at times. Understanding the why helped me move past the hurt by not taking it personally. Not sure if this is reflective of your situation but-
My Dh actually grew up with the model you describe- cousins, weekly visits from the uncles and grandparents, huge family meals with everyone included. In his case, I don't think it was togetherness so much as family keeping tabs on my late MIL who had significant mental health issues in an era when there was no effective tx and little empathy for such conditions. MIL was a young widow with a hx of depression, anxiety and anorexia.
I adore my husband- he sweet, funny, loyal and crazy smart. But he does not have the same level of desire for or ease with social interaction of any kind. I think my outgoing nature attracted him in the first place. He enjoys when I have my mother or one of my nieces come, but a house full? It's really not his cup of tea. And I think it shows, so even if he extended a sincere invitation, those who know him would reschedule for a less busy time.
He sucked it up early on, we dated for several years and then were childfree for another 8. The baby changes everything. Once he came along, it was as if he was hit with the permanance of traditions, like OMG all these people!! Every freakin' year!! Make it stop!!
My parents will be at their winter digs in FL, his family is far flung or dead, so it'll be 3 for dinner on Thursday. And it just feels a little less festive than it should. DS grits his teeth at my volunteer work but enjoys the recognition and inclusion we get as a couple for my work with DS's scout troop and marching band. I get my social kicks with the kids and the other parents and deflect DH's wish that I sit away from the group when we are at events.
DS was dx'd with a mild form of autism about 10 years ago. Ironically, DS is a whole lot more outgoing than his dad. But it makes sense to me know. Being socially is hard work for DH; he's great one on one or in a very small group, but a crowd is hard for him. He's not on spectrum by any means, but he does share certain struggles with social interaction.
Well I don't always love doing everything we do, but sometimes its just the right thing to do. My grandparents both passed away, my grandpa the week of my wedding and my grandma just this past January and I miss them everyday and regret that I didn't spend more time with them. And I'm already anxious about the day my mother leaves this world as my father was killed when I was only 12. Life is short and just because I don't feel like going over to mothers for dinner, doesn't mean I don't go.
But to each their own. You and your DH have to talk about the situation and maybe you can reach a compromise. GL!
67/200
I was also wonderig why this sort of thing wasn't a possibility.
I LIKE the huge family dinner and such...but I also like,a nd found it just as important, to have time for *just* immediate family and *just* slightly more than immediate family, not just the whole shebang.
read:
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/
Another vote for compromise. That may take the form of splitting the days (your family only in the AM, and your families of origin for the afternoon) or minimizing the impact of company (tell them it will be a casual meal and they need to stay in a hotel) or even alternating years (one year do a big to-do, the next year stay home just the three of you). There are so many ways that you and your husband can work things out so you both get to be happy some of the time. And when it's your spouses turn, you owe it to each other to have a good attitude.