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Seriously messed up family...
This is my first ever post and we've been married 4+ years. That will tell you how upset I am.
My in-laws have serious issues with communication and last night they got in a horrible fight about money. My MIL who has tried to commit suicide before, went on a bender and left the house calling a relative and saying that the world would be better without her. My DH and SIL both found out and started freaking out trying to find her. Both were worried she actually did it. We found her at a friends house and she's fine- thank God.
My DH who works at the family business with my FIL found out that my MIL went home this morning and they "talked". (Which means they bitched but didn't solve the problem...) My MIL somehow convinced my FIL that the problem wasn't her spending (yes it is!) but it is my SIL's fault that my MIL is upset because my SIL is spening Thanksgiving at her husband's family's home. (This is weeks after we all agreed to move our dinner to Friday so we can still be together). You've got to be kidding me!!! Now my MIL is thinking about cancelling our Thanksgiving since my SIL pissed her off.... unbelieveable.
Meanwhile, my parents live out of state and I wanted to go visit them, but I couldn't because we were afraid my MIL wouldn't be able to handle it. Which apparently she wouldn't! I am furious but when I mention anything to my DH about his family's issues he gets defensive. Any suggestions? At this point I am seriously considering cutting both my ILs out of my life... I do not need any more stress! And I am pissed off all the time!!! Help!!!!!!!!!
Re: Seriously messed up family...
Until your and your H continue to let her dictate your life and manipulate you she will! The whole bunch just does what she wants from fear of her "not handling it" but she is handling it just fine, it is the rest of you who arent handling it!
Your H i snt on board with you on this one, and that is a big problem for you. You both need counseling on how to deal with her manipulation, but good luck getting her to agree.
My suggestion would be to stop playing into her ahnds and get some help for yourself if H wont go with you.
I totally agree with pp about your mother-in-law manipulating you and everyone around her. If she does something to harm herself, that is HER CHOICE. It won't ever be your fault. You should go ahead and make your Thanksgiving plans based on what you want to do, not what you think MIL can or can't handle.
Re: your DH getting defensive, is it because you let yourself get to the point where you're furious before bringing the issue up? Try to have a calm, non-threatening conversation. If you can't do this with just the two of you, counselling can certainly help.
You also said your MIL went on a bender last night -- is she an alcoholic? If so, perhaps you and your DH would be willing to check out Al-Anon.
I secong Mags. All this bull is is manipulation and the bunch of you fall into her arms like ripe peaches every time she does this.
And yeah: you and your H need to be a team on this. If he's not, that's a bigger problem than your manipulative drama queen MIL.
Depression is a serious issue. I have experienced several suicides in my life, and they are not easy.
You can't take this light-hearted. Your decisions on this matter is literally life and death. You don't need to change your plans, but you do need to make the family aware that these threats are serious, and you need to let her know that you take them seriously. You need to seek treatment dor her and it will probably take all family members throughout the process meeting with her and the therapist to work through all the issues.
Your DH feels as though his family and mother's life is on the line. This is very serious. Check out suicide prevention websites for more information. Do not belittle this into "just a cry for help". That is the stepping stone, and like all issues and problems, can come too far to help after a point. Stop tragedy before it happens.
Abso-friggin-loutely. ANd I say that as someone who has had to make that call.
If they're serious, it at LEAST starts a 'paper trail' and can be improtant to get someone the help thehy need. If they're not serious...well, it's a 'better safe than sorry' situation.
On part of this tough, I have to wonder, why are you so up in their business? Create some boundries and distance, who's at fault for sepnding money or what not? that's NOT something YOU or your DH should be involved in.
She needs to be on some type of medication for depression. And she should definately quit drinking.
I have lost people close to me because they have commit suicide. Do not take her threats lightly.
Also, try to get her into counseling.
I'm not sure how to handle these kind of people, but I know it's serious and not to be taken lightly. that being said, you shoudn't make your family second class because of mil, and husband needs to be on same page as you on this.
the only thing ( aside from mental treatment and drugs) that I can think of, is come up with something extremely fair and equal that is easy to decipher ( like a rotational schedule) and present it to her that you are trying to make things fair on both sides of the family and here is what you are proposing. If she can't reason with that....this is totally beyond your control and she needs serious help.