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Do we need to see a therapist or councelor?
I can't say I've ever had a great sex drive. For some reason, I view it as a pain-in-the-butt. Just one more thing I need to take care of. But when H and I have sex, it's great. I enjoy it and we can O at the same time usually. But I never want to initiate it and when he tries to come onto me, I get annoyed. I'm tired. I just want to relax. (But why don't I see sex as relaxing??)
On some weekend days that we wake up before our 14 mo old, I'll push myself to initiate sex. But H get's tired of this "predicable" sex....Saturday or Sunday mornings. He would like to have sex spontiously during the week...preferrably twice a week.
H is getting really frustrated. And I totatly know that sex is important for so many reasons. But I can't seem to do motivate myself to be excited about getting it started.
Anyways, I'm trying to figure out if this is therapist or councelor material....or if there is something else that could get me to be more motivated w/ sex. A book...more date nights...etc? Should I just engage more in sexual talk....like hanging on this forum some?? LOL.
What do you think?
Re: Do we need to see a therapist or councelor?
So you are instigating on weekends...awesome. When does he initiate? Does he approach you during the week for the "spontaneous" sex or is he expecting you to start that sex ball rolling as well?
If he is willing to take responsibility for initiating during the week, give him some guidelines for when it is most likely to be received well. Perhaps after dinner, he can take care of putting the baby to bed and give you a moment to relax a bit. Perhaps you guys can go out to eat/bring home prepared foods so that cooking and clean up is easy, leaving you less tired. Maybe he can start by giving you a footrub on the couch and his fingers can just wander up...
I think how you are feeling is valid and understandable. It's not sex that I find to be a chore, so much as feeling like I need to be "sexy" to have sex e.g. brushed teeth, smooth legs, cute undies, etc. my husband doesn't care too much about those things, but i think sometimes i get so caught up in feeling unattractive that i can't believe someone else could find me attractive, and so sex becomes this thing i don't expect to happen- so it doesn't.
if you feel/think that you could benefit by talking to someone, then you should go. You don't need to be "broken" or have "something wrong with you" to benefit from the experience. it's not only okay, but it is admirable, to want to make an effort to increase your happiness and improve the health of your relationship.
PP said it exactly!!! As a therapist I wish that everyone had an understanding of this! If you feel like it will do you good - it will! Sometimes we just need a sounding board and support that is there for you as a safe environment to look at what is going on with us and help us improve on the area we are trying to deal with. HTH!
2 bits of advice for you:
Physical checkup
Masturbate!
It very well could be your hormones are in flux and there are also other conditions that can cause a lack of libido; thyroid conditions are one of them.
If you never masturbated, start now. I guarantee you you will be psyched for sex once you see what turns you on.
Maybe its feelings of depression? Good luck.
Agreeing with what the PP's have said, but maybe your H needs to understand that, since there is a LO in the picture now, things can't always be "spontaneous" like they were.
Would he prefer planned sex, or no sex? I mean, he's complaining about getting sex every Saturday or Sunday morning? I'd be tempted to take it off the schedule and see how often it happens--I'll bet he changes his tune.
ETA: But if you are trying to "spice" things up, I've heard good things about the Cosmo Kama Sutra.
You are not alone in this feeling. There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist or someone you can talk to openly about this. I would encourage you to do that.
For me, when I feel really good about myself, I feel more in the mood, so do something that's going to put you in that place (or let him know something he does that makes you feel good about yourself) and try that. Also - taking the time for the two of you, without talk of kids or responsibiilties will help.
If you're on birth control - this lowers you drive and could be contributing to your issue by messing with your brain chemicals. If you're on it, you might want to try talking to your Ob-Gyn about it and see if there are other things you can do.
Fiance & me have it daily, if not twice a day (for him mainly) and I still feel the way the poster does...
I just can't bring myself to enjoy it when he has to have sex ALL THE TIME.
So I don't know what to do either...
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