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seeking serenity
Here is the background information on my problem
My husband and I have always had a healthy relationship, with sporadic
arguing here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary. Since his
brother (with whom he once considered himself close) began dating his
girlfriend about 10 or so months ago, WE have been having marital
problems! We have virtually no relationship with the two because she
has my b-i-l wrapped around her fingers and he's so ridiculously
whipped. She clearly has an agenda, and is well on her way to getting
what she wants (a ring). She has been lying and manipulating
situations to make me look bad and herself look great, clearly trying
to demonstrate that I'm being mean, so that big bag sister-in-law isn't
welcoming her, making him more protective. I also discovered that
she's been telling lies about me and making up stories to cover her
lies! My husband listens to me, but I don't feel supported, even though
my father in law seems to see where I'm coming from. Recently (3 mos
ago), my b-i-l called and berated me on the phone for roughly 1 hour
(and this is where the lies came out); however nothing has happened
since. We're supposed to have a talk, but I refuse to listen to lies
AND I'm afraid that my husband won't support me
So here's my problem: I can't fully understand why their relationship is affecting our marriage; however, I think I've come to realize that while my BIL and his girlfriend's behavior is inappropriate, my DH is also to blame. He needs to stand up for me and not allow these things to take place. My concern is that he sees bad relationships between siblings around us (his mother and her sister; my mother and her brother, etc.), and he assumes that this will happen to us, so as a result, he would rather place the blame on me because as his wife, our relationship cannot be affected as deeply as his and his brothers.
I love my DH very much; however, I'm REALLY getting upset and it's affecting me in my everyday life. He and I have been TTC for over a year, and we recently found out that we have some fertility issues, which require medical attention. This, added to all of the issues with his brother are making me question what I should do. We did see a counselor at the beginning of the year, but it did not seem to do much good. My mother keeps telling me to just keep things to myself and stop causing fights, but if you know me, you'd understand that keeping quiet is no easy task. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Re: seeking serenity
First, kudos to you for realizing that you have a H problem, not a BIL problem. That's often the first step. Your H does need to stand up for you in the event that your BIL is rude to you, or spreading lies about you. Until he can do that, put TTC on hold.
Next, you need to distance yourself from your BIL and his GF. You sound kind of immature talking about how "she has him whipped" and "she has an agenda." None of these things are really any of your business. You and your H need to keep your distance, and be polite in the event that you have to be in the same place that these people are.
Finally, you never have to be berated by anybody for an hour. The only reason your BIL was yelling at you for an hour is because you did not put an end to it. I can't even comprehend why at no point did you say, "Ok, this conversation is going in a bad direction. I feel badly that you feel the need to talk to me like this, and I'm not going to continue to listen. Have a good night." *Hang up phone.* WHY did you let it go on so long?
my b-i-l called and berated me on the phone for roughly 1 hour (
Only because you let him! Hanging up takes les than a second!
Stop TTC, find a new counselor, and for the love of god cut off BIL and GF. Their relationship should be of no concern of yours. Do not have any contact with either of them.
new name, same situation.
Where on earth did your husband get the idea that your marriage can't be affected to the same extent as his relationship with his brother? That doesn't make any sense.
It sucks when it appears a family relationship is altered because someone gets a toxic girlfriend or boyfriend, but you (and especially your husband) can't look at all of this as her fault. Your BIL CHOSE her, which means that to a certain extent, they share similar values and priorities. It's horrible that she's making up lies about you, but your BIL is choosing to believe her, and there's nothing you can do about that. Your husband needs to accept that his relationship with his brother is fundamentally altered, maybe permanently, because his brother has chosen this woman. He absolutely MUST stand up for you, even if it ultimately involves cutting ties with his brother. YOU do not have to sit there and take it while BIL yells at you for an hour. It sounds like the two of you have to accept that the relationship with your BIL cannot be repaired, at least not right now, and take more drastic measures to stand up for yourselves.
I would definitely put TTC on hold until you get this sorted out. This is probably not the only time your husband will put other family members before you. You mentioned that he comes from a family that is big on family- that's fine, but it doesn't mean you are obligated to subject yourself to verbal and emotional abuse just because of shared DNA. I'm a firm believer that blood doesn't mean much- it's the way people treat each other that makes a family or not.
To those who offered some suggestions/support---I thank you. It was nice to get an outsider's perspective on the situation for a change. To clarify, when I was being "berated", I did stand up for myself completely, and put him in his place. I pointed out the fallacies and defended myself. By no means am I just someone who allows people to walk all over her. My husband and I had a long conversation last night, and I was very candid about my feelings, and that helped tremendously. Obviously, we'll have to wait and see if the conversation actually means something when/if the issue arises again.
Regarding the GF---when she first came into the picture, I went above and beyond to make her feel welcome, and my efforts were brutally rebuffed. As I said---it's clear she has an agenda, and that does not include being part of the family. My in-laws are a tight knight bunch, and family matters a great deal by what has happened. My BIL and I used to have a good relationship, but as I said, things have changed since the GF came into the picture. I do realize that she alone is not to blame because he can/should be able to realize things on his own and not be swayed by her. I'm definitely not trying to break them up---how they choose to approach their relationship is their business, and if it's to be one based on lies, more power to them. Staying away is hard---again, it's a close family and we see one another a lot at family functions. When we are together, I keep my distance and refuse to talk to her about anything too detailed because I feel she will use it against me AGAIN. Should we try to sit down and talk things out? I'd imagine attempting to come to some type of resolution has to be better than all of this drama and stress, no? Thoughts/advice very much appreciated and welcome!!
To those of you who posted impolite comments---if you don't like what I've written, you can choose not to respond at all. I was under the impression that this site was intended for people to support one another, not knock people down.