Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
TMI but I have to get rid of this
I feel like I am going to throw up. My older brother Mark is the latest thing out of control in the train wreck that is my family. He's taken it to a whole new level and something needs to be done, but I don't even know where to start.
Background is that my mother is dying of stage 4 breast cancer. She's 100% ventilator dependant and is in the hospital now with a major infection. She is on major, major pain meds and has a stage 4 bedsore. Mark got my mother to sign a power of attorney paper he downloaded from the internet. Mom's lawyer drew up paperwork to make me legally the power of attorney (because that's what she wanted), but every time he drove down to get her to sign it, *conveniently* my mother was too drugged up to sign them.
Mark has been throwing his weight around and I swear if I hear the term power of attorney one more time from his mouth I am going to punch him. Mark is just a big of a d-bag as my father but mixed with a side of raging idiot. He's one of those people who acts like you're stupid and know nothing, but in reality he's has never had any real power in his life and can never accept responsibility for his own actions. Yet being the POA makes him feel like he's in control and it's gone right to his head.
Mark has been at my mother's side since this all happened [he is currently on disability from a car accident, but he has a sh*tload of money from a workers comp settlement].
Last weekend I visited Mom and the nurses were really short handed. I asked if there was anything I could do to help and the nurse put me to work. What I saw was disturbing--like burned into your brain, pass the Chlorox please, but just really sad because that's my mom. Mark kept trying to come back into the room and I finally yelled at him to stay the hell out.
Last night Mark calls to tell me *he's* been helping take care of Mom. The nurses keep telling him, 'ugh, your mom wouldn't want you to see her like this' and he's tells me how he's told them that he's seen her without her gown on and it's okay, she wants him there. 
This is just fvcking sick. Who in their right mind would want to see that?!?!? Knowing Mark, I automatically see it as some fvcked up control game for him. Especially when he calls me all "look it, look it, look it, see! I'm helping!" like a child.
Who do I call at the hospital to address this? There's no way he should be in the room when they're cleaning/caring for her, even if he's her power of attorney.
Warning: I may DD this later. It's a lot of info and I wouldn't put it past bro to lurk on message bords.
Re: TMI but I have to get rid of this
The first thing that comes to mind (and I'm no attorney, but I used to work for one that handled estate law, so I have a little knowledge) is that the form he printed off on the internet might very well be invalid. A lot of those vary by state, so it might not hold where you are. Also, there's a whole process for clocking things in with the courthouse so that it's on record. Did he do that? Is it properly executed (witnesses, notarized, etc)? This may also vary by state, but a power of attorney isn't a blanket document that can give him the power for everything. At least here, it's usually financial. Medical decisions are a completely different document.
At any rate, it wouldn't hurt to do your research on what he has and whether or not he has any real power as a result.
Yes. Call the hospital. He's an untrained person administering medical care and that spells lawsuit for the hospital. They'd want to know about it.
Power of Attorney only relates to estate matters. It is not a Living Will and it does not direct authority on end of life care. It may authorize a person to direct some finacial planning around end of life care, maybe even make some decisions but it certainly does not and should not authorize a person to PROVIDE medical care.
Call the head nurse and the "administrator on duty" at the hospital to lodge your complaint and to expect the hospital to better manage her care and supervise her visitors.
I am so sorry that you having to go through this. I would take a copy of that POA to your mother's attorney to even see if it is valid.
2nd there are 2 types of POA's (from my experience). Financial and Medical. You should really talk to the people who drew hers up.
3rd, just try and relax. I know this is a really stressful time for you... watching a parent pass is really hard.... I have been there.
I am by no means defending your brother (I don't know him).... but people do WEIRD sh!t when loved ones are dying do to stress and grief. Perhaps this is his way of feeling like he is doing something. I mean in this kind of situation people feel helpless A LOT. And that feeling of "I can't do anything" when someone is dieing is AWFUL which I am sure you know. Perhaps this is his way of dealing with it?
Also, please take care of yourself. Make sure you eat and sleep. You need to keep your self strong for your mom.
Best of Luck.... and you will get through this. Be strong.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I'm not so sure you are in the right, if he's been there literally every day then there is a lot he's there to hear and see and he might be the better person because of his availability, doesn't sound like he's done anything really wrong here.
The gown thing, um, I never wanted to see my mom naked, but when push came to shove, I helped her bathe many times, and one day I may do the same for my dad. Not ideal, and no, I don't want to see my father naked, but if I need to care for them, then I will.
Unfortunetly, those institutions are always short staffed. You need to be very involved with the day to day processes and if you are worried about the facility, you need to transfer your mother.
The staff always appreciates help from family in the care of patients, and in cases where the they are understaffed, it is the only way to make sure that your loved ones are cared for properly. Figure on being there at least twice a day to check on care. If you can't, assign someone to be an in charge of your Mother's care who can be. You will be surprised how these loved ones are cared for without consistent follow up by family.
Power of Attorney is for decisions and after care. Right now it sounds like your Mother needs an advocate for current care!