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Momma Drama (Long)
I want to start off by saying that I love my mother with all my heart, but we don't always see eye to eye on somethings. For example my husband. My husband and I dated for 6 years before we tied the knot and my mother has caused alot of problems in our relationship in the past. When we first started dating my mother wasn't happy at the age difference and that he was divorced and had a daughter. She accused him of terrible things and then turn around and try to tell me that she didn't say that when I clearly heard her. She would drive out to our house and take our mail, and she even ran a background check on him.
After about 2 years that stopped and things seemed to be normal. When my husband proposed he ask my mother for my hand and she gave him her blessing. As soon as I started to talk about wedding plans she would keep saying "It's never to late to back out of this. You don't have to do this.". I told her that those comments were offensive to me and I guess she didn't care because she continued to say things of that nature.
2 weeks before the wedding we had the bachelorette party. Everything seemed to fine until we accidently ran into my husband and his family and friends who were in town for his bachelor party. Mind you, my mother has never met his family so this is the first time. But, she went storming out of club. I guess my husband went out for a little bit and one of my girlfriends was out there talking to my father in law and my husband. My mother comes out of nowhere screaming that my husband and friend were making out and all that crap. Which didn't happen because my aunt and my cousins were standing right there. My husband's friend came inside to get me and when I walked out my mother was accusing him of the samethings she use to and called his dad some awlful names! She then tried to hit anyone who came near her. Next thing I know she hears a train coming and takes off for the tracks. One of the groomsman had to run after her and hold her back from jumping in front of the train. She caused so much drama and embarressed me so bad that I didn't even know if I was still going to get married after all of this. Eventually, they got her in a car and got her back to the hotel.
Now with that story told, I was unable to have alcohol at my reception and all sorts of stupidness. She didn't cause a scene at the wedding, thank god, but now she saying "I can't believe that you would choose a man over your family. I know what I saw and you are being stupid about this. It will all come out in the wash, though." WTH is that supposed to mean? I told her that I didn't want to talk about the past with her and that I am happy and that's all that should matter, but I don't think she gets it. I am at a loss with this. I don't know what to do. I don't want to bring my husband into this because it stresses him out and I just need some advice on how to get my mother to lay off us. Please, any advice would be great!
Re: Momma Drama (Long)
1) You will get more responses if you go back and edit your post to add paragraphs. Trust me.
2) (I'm not asking this to be funny - I'm serious.) Has your mom ever had a psych evaluation done? Or does she by chance use any sort of narcotics or heavy alcohol?
Okay, this is a critical piece to the puzzle.
Is she eligible for public aid to get medicated?
Dealing with sufferers of psychological disorder can be very, very challenging and emotionally exhausting. I don't have any direct experience in this area, and don't know what kinds of coping skills to suggest but maybe one of the other ladies on this board does. I would think a good counselor or speaking with a psychiatrist to get information about what to expect with your mom's condition would be very helpful.
ETA: Thanks for adding paragraphs.
Not to be snarky but it's a lot. Not alot or allot.
One thing for sure (other than help her get help if at all possible) would be to make sure that you deal with your mom if/when she's in your life, not your H.
If my mother tried to throw herself in front of a train, her first stop would be the psych ward, not a hotel.
I would cut off contact with her until she gets mental help.
This. I know she's your mom, but if she doesn't get help and medication SOON, things are going to get worse. She could end up hurting someone, or hurting herself. Definitely check into some options for her receiving the proper care she needs, as soon as you can!
If she isn't eligible then you should take her to a doctor that takes patient without insurance and get her diagnosis going. From there, you can a professional's recommendation for medication and look into charities who can help her with the dosage.
Good luck.
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And you tolerated this crazycakes behavior? You should have bidden her adieu when she expressed her disdain over his marital status and the fact that he had a child.
How to have your mother lay off you and your H? Very simple: End all contact with her.
She needs a psychiatric evaluation. Why didn't somebody call the police when she tried to jump onto the train tracks??? This incident was not only nuts, this is also creating a disturbance, being a disorderly person and endangering the lives of other people!
She needed to be admitted to a hospital that day for doing what she did. Instead, you put her into a cab -- WHY?
I find it amazing nobody else noticed. There was not one employee who was from the transit department that witnessed this mess??? No cops present? Truly mindblowing.
YOu and your entire family are in denial. She not only needs a psychiatric evaluation -- she also needs toughlove -- and you people need to grow a pair and stop letting her manipulate you.
I have no idea how your H is putting up with this mess. GL.
AlAnon for you and also Adult Children of Alcoholics:
My mother does have a chemical inbalance. Although, she doesn't take anything for it because she doesn't have ins. and she also does drink allot. She has stopped drinking so much, but she will get in her moods and then just start drinking like crazy.
So this is also an accident waiting to happen? Wonderful...
There are free samples a doc can give her in the way of meds and there are also clinics she can go to for her condition. Not going to help her one iota, though, unless she gets herself to AA (and possibly rehab; a doc can make that evaluation) -- and just for the fact she's got a problem with alcohol, you should have cut her off and omitted her from your life until she could prove she was clean and sober with the help of AA and a sponsor.
BTW, therapy for you STAT -- you have a ton of issues that relate to your mother. She's belittled you, she's torn down your husband, she's probably nasty to her grandchild/your stepdaughter, she drinks, she's got a mental problem and she has zero respect for you and she is manipulative. And that is just to name a few.
I've known individuals for whom therapy and counseling did not work. Sometimes even meds did not work. But then a different therapist/counselor/prescription was tried, and they actually started seeing headway. Sometimes a therapist doesn't mesh. Encourage her to keep trying, but forbid contact between the two of you if there is alcohol. I'd also venture that she'd do a bit better with counseling for what also sounds to me a little like "empty nest syndrome" although I do agree that a lot of this is a mental issue.
I've known individuals for whom therapy and counseling did not work. Sometimes even meds did not work. But then a different therapist/counselor/prescription was tried, and they actually started seeing headway. Sometimes a therapist doesn't mesh. Encourage her to keep trying, but forbid contact between the two of you if there is alcohol. I'd also venture that she'd do a bit better with counseling for what also sounds to me a little like "empty nest syndrome" although I do agree that a lot of this is a mental issue.
If somebody is jumping onto train tracks, you bet it's a mental issue. The police should have been called and her mother should have been admitted to a hospital.
I can't get over this; the family simply put her into a cab????
Her mother is probably also not self aware. And the daughter has a substantial amount of denial going on so your well meant advice won't matter here. That's too bad.
If she truly has a chemical imbalance and you love this woman ( as difficult as she may be) DO NOT cut her out of your life. that would be easy for you, but many people with chemical imbalances do not know how to process thoughts correctly. They need someone to hold their hand and get them help. that's why they go off their medication, they think they are doing fine, then go off the medication with out telling the doctor, and do not realize they acting crazy again. these people need love and special attention. Get her help as fast as you can!!!! If you really want to cut her out of your life, fine, but be prepared with consequences.
If she is just melodramatic, then yes, cut her out. If family and friends all confirmed that your husband did not makeout with friend, bring one of them in that mother trusts and ask her to tell you the story again so you, mother, and witness can compare stories.
She also has an alcohol problem. This is what is compounding the entire problem.
Melodramatic? Go back to where the OP says that her mother tried to jump onto train tracks! She needed to be admitted to a hospital stat after that -- clearly a danger to herself and others. (and i still wonder why nobody else saw this, the transit people and cops in particular)
I have known my mother has had a problem my whole life. So, it's not like I am in denial. I know what's going on and I know that she needs help. But, she is the only mother that I have and my father isn't around. I don't see how people can cut their parents out and think that the problem will get solved. Because it doesn't solve anything and it just makes matters worse.
We also didn't put her in a cab... My Aunt took her back to the hotel to get her to calm down. Which did help.
The prospect of a complete cut out was mentioned before you brought up her mental issues. Considering your updates, I would tell her that she has to go to AA (possibly rehab), therapy, and she needs to get back on the meds. And then offer to help her find the resources she needs to have all three accomplished.
If she refuses to take any of these steps even with your help, then it is time to cut her out until she's ready to get help for her alcohol and mental issues. Letting her attack everyone while she continues to spiral downhill won't help anything.
If it does come down to cutting her out, tell her why you are doing so. Don't just leave her wondering WTF happened. Tell her that you have come to the decision that you need to separate yourself from her because [insert the many reasons here]. Tell her that she is not to contact you until she wants help. If she calls you in a day, week, year, whatever saying she needs help, then you step in again.
Yes, it's cutting her out. But it's cutting her out with the caveat that if she accepts help she will be allowed back in. It gives her an option... be miserable and sick all alone or have a better, healthier life surrounded by a happier family.
Oh, and get yourselves some therapy in the meantime. You and your H have been through a lot at this woman's hand and you'll need some help getting through it all so there isn't any underlaying resentment or ill feelings on either side.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
And that's your problem. Interpretation: my mom can do whatever she wants to and may potentially ruin my life in the process, but I cannot cut her out because she's my only mother and it won't solve anything.
So tell me. If your mother's actions have no consequences, why would she change? To not hurt your feelings? Nope! To not embarrass you and/or herself? Nope. There are no consequences, because you keep taking it and taking it and hoping that one day she'll just stop doing it. You know that's not going to happen, right? Let me tell you what will happen. Someday, and someday soon, your husband will finally realize that you will never put him and his needs in front of your mother and her needs. He'll realize that the rest of his marriage to you, he'll be belittled, lied about, yelled at, ridiculed, embarrassed in front of his family, and potentially attacked. And what about his daughter? What about once your mother's toxic venom starts heading in that direction?
I think you should definitely get your mom help because it sounds like she's got some mental problem. I think that's certainly a good place to start. Also to AA. But really, you need to have a serious discussion with your mother when she's calm and lucid and tell her that the next time she disses your husband in any shape of form...even if she looks at him funny, you will cut off contact with her. It wouldn't be you cutting her out of your life. It would be her cutting herself off, because she'd be aware of the consequences and would choose how to proceed.
Here's the deal: what your mother needs is what AA likes to call the "rock bottom moment." That's why I'm advising that you tell her she's out of your liufe until she gets clean and sober...and if she does not get clean and sober, the break will be permanent.
Hopefully she will see the light and then realize she's got a problem with drinking and after that, she'll get help for her problem.
I never suggested putting her into a cab or the other things. I was referring to the OP stating that the mother had at least at an earlier point sought counseling/meds (both? I forget at the moment) but that the mother stopped because the mother determined that it wasn't working. My advice was to give it another try simply because meds can be adjusted or changed as well as specific counselors/doctors simply connecting better. In other words, if it didn't "work" last time, doesn't mean that it won't work another time.
Additionally, I wasn't suggesting that there wasn't anything mentally off about the mother - I would think that the gist of my suggestion would make that clear, since I was suggesting their trying again. I only included that an additional hurdle OP might be dealing with is a woman who is not cutting cord between mother and daughter (or simply put, control issues).
Christina,
I will confess here that I have been estranged from my own parents for several months. My mother does have some psychiatric issues that I have dealt with for most of my life. In an effort to honor her (in the manner in which I was brought up by my parents to understand what "honor your parents" meant), I exposed myself and my own family to many unfortunate things which ultimately culminated in such destruction as I had no choice but to leave them out of my life. While I will not connect your mother's illness with my own mother's, I just want to make it clear that *sometimes* it is the only way.
Just from what I've read in your posts, I hear that you do not believe that estrangement is something healthy. While your situation does sound dramatic, I would agree that on paper it sounds as if she's still in a place where help and guidance might still take some positive roots. I would suggest, for your own state of being, that you seriously consider healthy boundaries for yourself when it comes to your mother - be it in communication, availability, financial, etc. ... I was serious before when I suggested that the development of you being an adult in you and your mother's eyes is a little overshadowed by your mother's emotional and mental state. That can put a *lot* of pressure on you as you try to be a dutiful daughter whilst at the same time protect yourself from depression, angst and worry. The dynamics of a mother/daughter relationship, even in a healthy relationship, are such that both individuals can have a difficult time with having an identity without the other when it comes to interacting. Does that make sense? Too, even if your mother is mentally unstable, she may have an extra burden in leaning on you because she is so needy. Perhaps she can handle that in a therapy environment? But it might be something you, too, need, to lessen some of your guilt and stresses. If nothing else, you need to know it is ok and not judgmental for you to demand safe boundaries.
It is my belief that you can restrict your time with your mother without totally alienating her from your life. The responsibility will be her own - you can, for example, accept and make visits to her but neither one of you should be drinking or in a place that serves alcohol. You can agree to take her to her doctor appointments and as a treat, will go out to lunch with her afterwards or before hand to build a closeness/support. You can agree to assist other relatives who are dealing with your mother but only in limited circumstances. For example, if your mother refuses to seek treatment/help, you just make sure that your mother isn't hungry or living in squalor - but it doesn't mean that you actually have to interact with her in negative circumstances.
My degree is in Social Work. Contact your local department of Social Services, Human Services, Public Welfare, whatever they call it where you live. They can determine if you mother is eligible for any type of health care coverage and/or give you a list of providers she can see without insurance. Also, if she is an active threat to herself or others (her attempt at jumping in front of a train would meet that criteria) you can have her temporarily hospitalized on the State's dime. Those couple of days in the hospital can have a stabilizing effect and they can also help you locate resources. AA could be beneficial to her and it is free. I would also suggest that you consider attending Alanon meetings. There is a lesser known twelve step program called EA or Emotions Anonymous that focuses on emotional issues. I've only heard of it one place where I live but it's worth looking into.
I understand that you don't want to cut her out of your life and leave her alone. However, do you and your husband plan to have children? Do you want to expose them to this?
Good Luck