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f/u re: my IL situation. wdyt?
Last week, I posted about MH's problems with his parents. The consensus from the responses was that I should stay out of things and support H on whatever he wants to do, whether he ignores his parents or decides to communicate with them.
Well, I wanted to see what you guys think about this. I'll be OOT during Tgiving weekend for a wedding and H will be here in Tampa, as he could not take the time off work. Normally, if I'm away during Tgiving, H goes to his parents' house (here in Tampa) for dinner. Over the past month, when he's talked to his dad on the phone, FIL has assumed that H would be at the wedding with me, therefore not in town for a family dinner. H has not corrected him, so the ILs think we'll both be OOT. He hadn't corrected him because H doesn't want to spend time with his parents.
Now that the weekend is approaching, H says he plans not to let his parents know that he's actually in town. He has a tradition where he plays b-ball with all his childhood friends that day, so he'll do that, then hang out with his friends as long as he can, and then either go to one of their Tgiving dinners if they invite him, or just "pick up Boston Market and eat at home, with football on". And ladies, please understand. MH would LOVE to do the second option, he says he's looking forward to it. So even though it might sound sad and depressing that he'd spend the evening alone, MH would actually enjoy it.(lol)
Obviously, if my ILs find out that H was actually here in Tampa during Tgiving but didn't have dinner with them, they'll be beyond hurt. They'll also be hurt that he didn't let on that "nope, I'm not going to the wedding with Lauren, I'll be here". However, H does not care that their feelings would be hurt. Plus, he says they probably wouldn't find out the truth anyway. Buuuut... I might talk to his mom at some point, as she's very interested to hear about how the wedding goes. I told him that I really don't want to lie to her and pretend that H was there with me. So if I don't lie, his cover will be blown.
I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just venting or what... thanks for listening!
Re: f/u re: my IL situation. wdyt?
I think this must be a vent. B/c you KNOW you're about to be caught in the middle of a shitstorm you didn't create. Let him handle his parents. Say you had a lovely time at the wedding, the dress was beautiful, the food was great, etc. There does not need to be any mention of your H. And you either need to get good at being evasive or lying, and soon, or tell your H to man up and tell his parents they can suck it.
If I were you, I'd cease all communication with them. That way you're not lying to them and you're following your husband's wishes. If he doesn't want them in his life, that means you have to have that same position, too. United front and all that crap.
ETA: My H will be home alone, too. They can get Boston Market together.
I would not lie, but that is just me. My sister is a biitch! She will not come to anything, yet BOTH her ex-husbands do. They will bring their kids and have a great time yet she will not come!
But it is his call! He needs to tell them he does not want to go if that is what he is really feeling. If he does not want to go then he needs to let them know and why, not lie to keep from hurting their feelings. JMHO
This is a sucky situation. I wouldn't lie to his parents, and if his cover gets blown, I would just tell his mom that she can talk to your H about it.
What did his parents do that he wants to break the ties with them?
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Personally, I would cover him. The way I see the alternative happening is you tell MIL that H wasn't there, she's hurt that he avoided them, H is mad at you (or at least a little peeved) that he has more drama (even if he caused it). The easy way is to just let it blow over, and not put yourself in the middle. His parents (after all this is over, if it ever is) should understand how difficult this situation is for you. Just tell her everything was great, but don't give her anymore than that. But that's MO.
Either way, that's a tough place to be in. Also, FWIW, sometimes I'd rather be at home eating leftovers and watching football TG than with a bunch of ILs and people I don't even know/like. That sounds pretty much like heaven to me.
That.
Love the responses, you all make me feel better about this whole thing. Moonstone, there are a lot of issues, I'm paranoid to post them just in case someone we know sees all this.
I hear ya! In fact, H is hoping none of his friends invite him to their dinners because he'd rather stay home by himself! He is totally excited about it
Plus, the last time he did Tgiving dinner with his parents and brother, there was a horrible fight, which he's sure would happen this time too. So he's pretty excited to have a nice relaxing night to himself!
Can I just say that as a person in your H's shoes (kind of, I don't know the whole situation, and i'm sure it's not exactly the same... but similar enough) that I would be super [supah] pissed if H didn't cover for me. IF he turned around and said "Oh, Laura stayed home because she had to work" i'd probably get 3294823948 crazy phone calls and emails. Holy stress. And I'd really just yell at Rob a lot for it. Not good.
I am very grateful that H feels the same way about my mother as I do and does not wish to keep in contact with her in any way. I honestly think it would be a lot easier for you to just not speak with them at all. If Rob still talked to my mom i'd feel super betrayed by him. Again, this is just me. But at least you can see kind of where the other side of all this comes from.
Laura, I agree with what you're saying and I'm gonna follow your advice. (and everyone else who gave the same advice
I'm fine with just not talking with them. I really don't ever talk with them anyway, unless we gtg with them, which we obviously haven't been lately. I used to sometimes talk to his mom on the phone because I knew she enjoyed chatting and I wanted to be a good DIL who keeps in touch with her ILs. But with the way things are now, I don't plan to initiate contact with them unless H does first. If the wedding comes up in some point and time, I'll have to be vague.
It's selfish, but I was worried what they would think of me if I all of sudden become the "rude DIL" who doesn't KIT with them and take an interest in their lives. I didn't want them to dislike me, despite how they've treated MH. I know that's wrong, but those were the feelings I kept wrestling with, and H would get mad at me that I was thinking so much about myself. Now I realize that I need to get over it. Besides, they must know that me not being as nice to them as usual is because of their situation with their son, and hopefully they know that I'll be back to my usual nice, caring self once all the issues get worked out.
Haha, he would love it! Instead of a toy ship, he plays with a kids-sized b-ball hoop that he's had since he was 5. It has a kid-sized b-ball, too
-hug-
It's difficult. Just remember, you're married to him, not his parents. They'll get over it eventually. I think you're making the right decision.
You can come over to myside where the IL's don't like you
I wish I was your husband! This would make my night