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Crap.

My dad just called to inform me that he and my mom have been sick the past few days so he doesn't think he's going to be up for cooking Thanksgiving dinner.  This means our options are to go out to a restaurant or I cook the meal.  I do have a turkey, strangely enough, because I got a free one for spending a certain amount of money at the store this weekend.  It's frozen but thawing in my fridge (I was going to donate it to a shelter or food bank), so I have no idea if it'd thaw by Thursday.

I have no idea what to do.  Going to a restaurant seems even more depressing than the Thanksgiving I was already gearing up for.  But I have no idea how to cook a turkey and if I want to do all this work on my own anyway...especially for 4 or 5 people total.  

For those in the know, how long does it take an 18 pound turkey to thaw in the fridge?  Any foolproof ways of cooking a turkey that'll make me feel like less of a novice?  I can't decide whether to cook it myself or say fuckitall.  I'm so depressed about this.

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"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton

Re: Crap.

  • Hmmm. I think my first few turkeys involved a lot of googling. FYI - there is going to be a paper bag of organs and I think maybe a neck inside the bird. No. Seriously. A bag full of organs. It's like a scene out of the end of the movie Seven.
    image
  • image

    Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
  • Cooking a turkey isn't that hard.  My rule of thumb is 20 mins/lb.  I do a pretty low key roasting - clean the bird, make sure everything is out of him (they generally stuff the nasty gizzard/etc in a bag in the bird), then season (salt - be pretty generous, pepper, onion powder, garlic powder, paprika).  Then, I chop up an onion and throw it in the pan surrounding the bird, and add about a cup of water to the pan.  Cover with tin foil, throw in the preheated oven (350), and walla.  I normally take the foil off about halfway through, then start basting on a somewhat regular schedule.

    Easy Peasy.

    image Mabel the Loser.
  • It should probably take 3-4 days in the fridge for a turkey that size to defrost.  I plan on trying the Alton Brown recipe that was posted this year, but if you want something easier without the hassle of brining, you could always buy one of those Reynolds turkey bags and cook it in there.  My SIL swears this made for the moistest turkey she's had.  Not sure it will brown quite the same, but you could always cut open the bag towards the end and butter or oil the skin to try and brown it more.
    IMG_2788

    2/20/2011
  • Come to think of it, we do the bag method. I forgot about that. I love turkey. Now I wanna make one.
    image
  • Stick that bad boy overnight in a sink full of warm water and it will defrost.

    Make Turkey de la Cezra http://cezra.blogspot.com/ 

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    Book Review Blog

    If I were a man (or fitty) I'd totally call my penis THE WIZARD - HappyTummy
  • You do have one other option.  You could hop on a plane and have dinner in South Jersey.  You know you want to.  And I'll bet Mr. Speeeeeederman won't think it's weird at all.
    image
    3 out of 4 dead babies agree! pepsi is better than coke! - EdithBouvierBeale
    Lordy. Grow some balls and stop lurking. It's like stealing from the internet. Jesuschrist. -- AudreyHorne
    I hate love and marriage. I got married so I could destroy these things from the inside. - NoisyPenguin
    It's a good thing my circle of trust is as giant as my vagina. That only leaves a couple people out. - Cali
  • imagemodb1rd:

    Stick that bad boy overnight in a sink full of warm water and it will defrost.

    Make Turkey de la Cezra http://cezra.blogspot.com/ 

    COLD water! COLD WATER! Don't do warm. It may be quicker but it's also a one-way ticket to pooptown.

    image

    Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
  • Or come to the FInger Lakes and have beef tenderloin and twice-baked potatoes and sit in the hottub and go to wineries and Mr. Loblaw will have party favors for Mr. Speederman.
    image
    I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
  • imagesalimoo:
    imagemodb1rd:

    Stick that bad boy overnight in a sink full of warm water and it will defrost.

    Make Turkey de la Cezra http://cezra.blogspot.com/ 

    COLD water! COLD WATER! Don't do warm. It may be quicker but it's also a one-way ticket to pooptown.

    Meh, although I know technically you're right I think Cali will cook it long enough to be safe.

    image

    image
    Book Review Blog

    If I were a man (or fitty) I'd totally call my penis THE WIZARD - HappyTummy
  • I also learned that if you don't really care about appearances so much, cook it breast-side down so all the juices accumulate there.
    image

    Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
  • imagesalimoo:
    I also learned that if you don't really care about appearances so much, cook it breast-side down so all the juices accumulate there.

     oooh. I am going to remember that!

    image

    image
    Book Review Blog

    If I were a man (or fitty) I'd totally call my penis THE WIZARD - HappyTummy
  • I think I like Groomz's and Bethie's suggestions the most.  That would be way less depressing than staying here.  I am totally wallowing in my own sadness over this.  I need to find my emo picture to properly demonstrate my mood.
    image
    "That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
  • If you're up for an investment, this thing is foffing foolproof.  

    http://www.amazon.com/Char-Broil-10101480-08101480-Oil-Less-Infrared/dp/B001HBI7D8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1290558180&sr=8-1

    It cooks twice as fast (~10 min/lb) and you put it in and don't touch it until it's done.  You just clean out the bag's-o-parts and it makes a gorgeous and super tasty turkey.  There's no oil needed and it has a drip pan if you want drippings for gravy and such.  Also, you don't have to clean it after.  Bonus.  Also also, you do this outside so it doesn't make your house hot as hades and the oven is free for pies and other stuffs.

    I usually inject mine with butter/spices, but that's not necessary.  I use this thing every Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

    image
  • imagemodb1rd:

    imagesalimoo:
    I also learned that if you don't really care about appearances so much, cook it breast-side down so all the juices accumulate there.

     oooh. I am going to remember that!

    Someone mentioned it to me the other day and it was like a lightbulb/facepalm moment because it seems to simple, yet it never occurred to me! I guess it wouldn't work if you were cooking a full turkey and wanted to show off how perfect it was, but we just have a turkey breast and there's really no ceremony involved.

    image

    Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
  • imagemodb1rd:
    imagesalimoo:
    imagemodb1rd:

    Stick that bad boy overnight in a sink full of warm water and it will defrost.

    Make Turkey de la Cezra http://cezra.blogspot.com/ 

    COLD water! COLD WATER! Don't do warm. It may be quicker but it's also a one-way ticket to pooptown.

    Meh, although I know technically you're right I think Cali will cook it long enough to be safe.

    It actually should be cold RUNNING water. The thought of eating a turkey that sat in warm water overnight gives me the food safety heebie-jeebies.

    ETA: Brine is a turkey's friend.

  • imagesalimoo:
    imagemodb1rd:

    imagesalimoo:
    I also learned that if you don't really care about appearances so much, cook it breast-side down so all the juices accumulate there.

     oooh. I am going to remember that!

    Someone mentioned it to me the other day and it was like a lightbulb/facepalm moment because it seems to simple, yet it never occurred to me! I guess it wouldn't work if you were cooking a full turkey and wanted to show off how perfect it was, but we just have a turkey breast and there's really no ceremony involved.

    The first time I cooked a turkey, I cooked it upside down by accident.  Then I found out it was a way to keep it moister, so now I flip the turkey half way through.  Breast side down for the first half, then breast side up to get the skin perfect.

  • We started using the Alton Brown recipe several years ago and we'll never go back. It's kind of a production to brine it in a huge bucket and whatnot but OMG the end result is so worth it. Seriously. Best turkey ever.
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