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Do you go home for Christmas?
DH and I spent the first 5 years of our relationship going to two Thanksgiving dinners and two + Christmas celebrations as a result of our families living so close. We moved out of state 3 years ago but have endured the torture of attending celebrations for both sides of the family until this year. We are putting our foot down and staying home for Turkey Day and would like to for Christmas but feel really guilty about it. Do you go home and celebrate holidays with at least one side of your family? Or have you made your own traditions and your families have to deal with it? We don't have any children so we feel like that doesn't allow us to make our own traditions and stay home yet (or that may be the guilt induced by my mom). Are we crazy? Mean to our families? Selfish or finally coming to our senses?
Re: Do you go home for Christmas?
Hello fellow Spartan! I moved to Houston 2 1/2 years ago, husband joined me last Christmas. this year, we are simply putting our foot down and did not go home for Easter nor are we going home for Thanksgiving. It's as simple as money and time. husband doesn't have the time off due to job and we would rather save money towards a house in the next year or 2 ( which will most likely be closer to family).
Christmas we are going home, mainly because we both want to! If you'd rather not though, you definitely should not feel guilty!!!
This year H & I get to see both of our families and we're really excited! His family lives OOS and mine live a few hours (and a snowy pass) away. We're spending 5 days with his family and 3 with mine. Usually (since we started dating 3 years ago) we just see my family so this year is going to be extra special! (I haven't even met most of his family.)
We don't feel the need to start our own traditions yet. I have a large immediate (11 people) & extended family and we're really close so we'd rather be with them than on on own.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Where I live is my home.
Think of it as growing up.
This. And... you are home.
Invite your family to spend Christmas with you--if they tell you that they don't want the hassle of traveling, tell them that's how you feel also, and that's why you're staying home.
It's not selfish to stay home and start holiday traditions with your husband.
We travel for Thanksgiving (except this year) but not Christmas.
I also told DH that we would go visit his parents after they make a trip to see us. They have driven the 3 hours to our city and not come to see us or make time to see us. We do not have to go there until they make an effort!
Do not feel guilty about making decisions that are best for your life.
And really, you don't need a marriage to start your own traditions either. I have not gone home for Thanksgiving in 7 years and I have not gone home for Christmas in 5 years. My family is wacko and I prefer to have quiet, relaxing holidays with BF, friends or sometimes alone in the past.
Do what you feel comfortable doing. For the most part, our families are really close (mine is within 5 miles and DH's is within 20 miles) so it's not a big deal to visit people. Next year, we're staying home (meaning our own home) for the Thanksgiving and Christmas.
However, more relevant to your situation... DH's sister lives across the country. Her H's mom and her dad live out in CA close to her, but the rest of their family is out here in PA. She comes back to the east coast typically once every 3-5 years for Christmas. But that's it.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
I agree with dirtyred particularly- invite them to come travel and visit you. Often when people are getting their way (having you travel to see them and do the holiday their way) they're not going to look at the whole issue and see how it creates a hassle for you to always be the ones traveling, always the one splitting your time to participate in everyone else's traditions.
So, don't look for excuses or reasons or permission to do things differently. You don't have to have kids or be married or even live out of state to say, "No, thank you, I'd rather stay home this year. See you at (later date)." As an adult, you have as much right as anyone else to decide how you do and don't want to spend your holidays, how hectic you'd like your schedule to be, how much traveling you're willing to do.
In the experience of my friends and I- in general, the first year putting down your foot about the holidays is when you have the whole weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth about how it just won't be the SAME and don't you LOVE us and you should respect the imPORtance of FAMily and yada yada. The second year, they've successfully made it through the holidays where it was different and had 8 or 9 months to get over it, and the whole thing is much calmer. Things begin being phrased as invitations and asking instead of telling. Stick to your guns.
This
Crazy, mean to your families, or selfish - in my opinion, no.
It is a lot of traveling when you live out of state and that can make the holidays very draining. I grew up with one set of grandparents out of state - we saw them for Thanksgiving every year (it was their anniversary), but not for the Christmas holiday. We did not see the other set of grandparents for Thanksgiving, but did for a large family Christmas bash (not on the actual day).
Can either side of your family travel to see you one holiday? Or maybe meet halfway?
My husband and I live about 45-minutes away from both sides of our family and do not do multiple trips on one day for the holidays. We rotate Thanksgiving, Christmas Day, Christmas Eve, and Easter annually. Living so close, there can be the expectation (from my husband's side) that we split everything "evenly", but we've put our feet down about some traditions. When we have kids, there will be some more nuclear family traditions set as well that will not include our parents. To me, marriage means that family traditions have to shift and sometimes make way for new traditions.
Yes, we go home for Christmas. We spend Christmas Eve with DHs family and Christmas Day with mine. That's the only way we can see all of the kids, which is my priority (since my sister spends Christmas Eve with her ILs, I would not see my niece and nephews otherwise). DH would like to spend Christmas Day with his extended family, but understands why we don't and is ok with it.
We balance that out by staying home for Thanksgiving. Our tradition is a quiet day with our girls, eating a small but traditional meal and then going to a museum or something if time permits. We do not feel one bit guilty about it, and our families don't give us a hard time because they know that we're doing what is best for us and that they'll be seeing us soon.
Last year we travelled for Thanksgiving. For Christmas we stayed home since we were flying to Thailand on the 26th and couldn't fit in travel to another state.
This year we're having the ILs for Thanksgiving and we're flying to South Africa over Christmas so Christmas will be spent on an airplane.
In past years we've done a combination. Stayed home one holiday, travelled one holiday, travelled both holidays, and stayed home both holidays. Pick whatever you want to do!
I can't really relate to this because:
So we don't go abroad for holidays (too expensive and too time-consuming) and just spend the time with the ILs. We're newly married (just over a year) and so we haven't really set up the "rules" yet, but we're probably going to figure out a way to go see my family in Israel once every few years (not for the holidays - probably around Springtime for Passover or so).
As to your being selfish or whatever, my only concern would be if you had a sick/elderly relative that you'd regret not seeing after the fact. I know that for me, if my grandparents were still alive, I'd move hell and high water to get to see them before they pass. As such, though, I don't think it's selfish at all. If it's a nuisance or a pain to get there, you don't owe anyone anything. The point of the holidays is to relax and have good "family" time and if you consider your H and you the central family right now, then go right ahead and have a good time alone.
I go through this every year. We live hours away from my family and their visits are few and far between. When it comes to the holidays, I end up feeling guilty about not being there or rushed around/hurt/bitter because I am the one who has to travel. I have run from house to house year after year. Last year we went to Atlantic City for five days over Christmas and it was awesome! My DH came up with this idea and at first I thought he had lost his freaking mind. Who does that? How do you tell your mother that you are going to a casino for Christmas? We had a great time and I wish we would've thought to plan something for this year. We don't have kids either...Enjoy the time without kids and do what you both want to do. In a few years you might spend Christmas changing diapers and trying to talk you toddler down from a Christmas Cookie High from Hell.
We STAY home.
My home is here -- with my husband, my dog, my kids, my Christmas decorations, my cooking...et cetera.
My in-laws live 15 minutes away, and we usually spend Christmas Eve with them; my parents live out of state, and we usually make time to visit them sometime after Christmas. Some years they come to us; other years we go to them; and some years we all meet somewhere. But we stated when we got married that on Christmas Day, we were going to be at our house. People were welcome to come see us, but we were not going anywhere. And both sides have been really respectful of that. Now, that said, if something came up and we needed to travel for Christmas, we'd do it in a heartbeat!
It's not selfish or cruel to say, "Hey, we can't travel at the holidays this year; we'll miss you!"
You're insane.
Pick what it is you want to do, the two of you, and announce your plans to anyone you think might care. Running here there and every where, gobbling food for the sake of the appearance of family; come on .
No, I don't feel guilty for having a nice holiday with my immediate family, or making the day pleasant for us, first, ahead of anyone else's wants. You and dh decide what you are and are not willing to do, and then do that. If that means staying home, great. Stay home, and don't listen to any guilt induction speeches. If it's important for someone to come see you on the holiday, well, remind them that the road has lanes going both ways.
A lot of couples I know in this situation will spend Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other. If you REALLY feel guilty maybe you could try that.
My family lives about a 45-minute drive from us, and my man's family lives on the other side of the country. If I had my druthers, I wouldn't go see either side for holidays because I'd rather just spend time with my man. We have our own traditions (and we have no kids either). Then again, I'm not really a fan of the forced family-togetherness of the holidays, so take my bitterness with a grain of salt
I think it would be great to invite everyone to yours. Chances are good that they won't want the hassle, and then you get to stay home guilt-free!