Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Feeling lonely in marriage
I don't know what to do, I feel lonely and lost in my marriage. I want my husband to be more affectionate; and we have discussed it, but I feel like I keep talking to a brick wall. The only time he touches me is for sex, there is no foreplay. I just want him to kiss and carress me like he used to. Lately I have been feeling lonely and distant; like why even bother? I used to be excited just seeing him come home, and recently I am starting to not care. I feel as if I am pulling away because I am not getting what I feel I need. Sexually I have given up a lot of things but he won't even compromise with me. Does anyone have any advice?
Re: Feeling lonely in marriage
One of the biggest problems in any sort of relationship between two people is that most of the population comprises the 'givers' and the 'takers'.......
Unfortunately, the 'takers' are all too adept at latching on to the 'givers'. Sometimes the 'takers' can be shown that they have much to lose if their particular 'giver' withdraws their love and attention.
Your husband, being a commited 'taker', is not going to change unless you either call it a day and find a better lover, or you FORCE him to mend his ways........
Start by withdrawing your love and support .....no more sex,...no more dinners on the table,...no little loving touches,....no more clean laundry. Make it PLAIN that this is all dependant on having a LOVER to do it for so you are on hold for a while to let HIM decide what he wants. When he has to dump his own underpants in the washing machine and make himself his meals he will soon start to think what is important to him.
......Unless, of course, he already has another woman,..but this will soon bring that out in the open so it's a 'win, win' if you do this NOW.
Since it is unlikely that your husband woke up one morning and thought "I am not going to hug and kiss my wife anymore", there has to be something else going on. What has been happening in your lives? Are you guys stressed about money or other issues? Is he having a tough time at work? Is there depression happening? Did you have a child recently and there is tiredness and neediness going on?
What do you mean by "I want my husband to be more affectionate"? Do you mean that he doesn't give you anything at all? No kiss? No hug? Or just not enough?
If he still kiss you and hug you, then he and you may simply be in a rut. I think lot of people who have been in a relationship for a long time go through that stage at some point. My husband and I did...for about 3 months, because I was extremely stressed out with school and we just fell out of that whole sexual relations. But that was it. There was no underlying issue. We just hit a rut. Now we're back to the norm. We talked about it and we really had no idea why we hit the rut other than I was always stressed out and too tired to do anything. We still hugged and kissed, but very little sex life and very little foreplay. Now we're back to the norm, we've been for over a year now...loving our sex life.
You should talk to your husband. It's always good to communicate. You can straight forward tell him that you miss him giving you more. I've been there and it worked. It's easier to tell him than expect him to read your mind.
I would definitely say that you two should sit down and have a heart-to-heart. If he just never was affectionate ever and you desired it, I guess then you could have seen him as just not being touchy-feely. But, since you said "like he used to," I wonder what the change was... New job? New baby? New house? Something must have changed to trigger this... It could just be that you feel distant to him because he's distant to you and he's being distant because you are, sort of like a vicious cycle. The best thing would be to talk - sometimes you can't just know what the other person wants without them explicitly explaining it to you. What you both want could be really easily given by the other person if you told them.
I hope you figure out what's going on... and get back to the way things used to be.
Have you been reading romance novels or have high expectations? Sorry but men are men, not mind readers and not romance professionals in real life.
Talk to him.
1st off the advice you got from oldbugle is nothing short of a death sentence to your marriage...she sounds bitter and hurt herself but do not take her advice unless you actually want to start divorce proceedings...
2nd off...Marriage is definitely different than the dating/courtship time...it gets more down to the business of living..I am not saying that what you desire is off..I am just saying it is different, and there is a definite change in the relationship..same as when you start having children...it changes.
The fact that you have already discussed this with your husband is good..but maybe you need to sit down and not hold back and really get it all off your chest. Tell him that you don't want to someday be part of the divorce statistics..that you want to have a family and grow old together and live happily ever after...but it is going to take both of you for the rest of your lives to listen to each other and meet half way, you and he. This may not be a big deal to him...but it is to you. And don't wait for him to approach you...greet him when he comes home to work with a hug and kiss. When watching TV sit and snuggle..even if you have to initiate it...so what. And don't be offended when some of those times you initiate it turns to sex...again..enjoy that also. Actually initiate sex...be the one who comes to him instead of sitting back and just feeling used because he comes to you "only for that" Be the other half to the sexual part of your relationship and have a good time together. Don't make this issue make the whole marriage unbalanced. Men actually feel loved when you want to have sex with them in marriage...yeah, go figure...we are never going to completely understand them and they won't completely understand us either. Accept that first hurdle in your mind "they don't get it"
Once we start having an issue it ends up being all we think about..we end up missing some of the great things about our spouse because it is overshadowed by this one thing. Make sure you corral your mind every day to think of the other things that made you fall in love with him..surely it wasn't merely that he hugged and kissed you more frequently. And how is this discontent making you act differently towards him where he may well be saying to himself..What happened to the girl I married? she was always so happy and carefree...we had such great fun times together..now she is always depressed, moping around and I don't know what I am doing wrong. I am telling you that men are really truly generally clueless...they aren't trying to hurt our feelings...they are absolutely made differently than us.
Be proactive in your relationship...there is nothing wrong with being a giver...and it is amazing what you get back in return if you dont' hold back...guard against bitterness.
Been There............
Could not have said it better myself.
lifeguard
I highly recommend reading and familiarizing yourself with "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. You can get the audiobook online too if you don't want to read it. It is awesome and loaded with wisdom. It will help you in this problem and many others!!
Communication is the issue. Tell him exactly how you are feeling just like you've told us. But do it politely without telling him he's doing something wrong. Don't approach him complaining or being sarcastic. Then suggest ways in which he can make you feel more loved; be specific though, and praise him if he does anything that makes you feel loved. And ask him if there is anything you can do to to make him feel loved. This way he knows it is a two-way street.
I am sorry, but this has got to be some of the worst advice I have ever heard.
It is always best to assume that we are the takers. Irregardless of whether we are or not. If we all loved and lived with the assumption that we need to do more for others then our lives would be much more fulfilling.
OP, I am sorry that you are feeling distance in your marriage. I think it is very common. I think men need us to SHOW them what we need. Show him how to treat you and how to take care of your needs. Seduce him and teach him how your body needs to be touched. Touch him how you want to be touched. When the thought pops into your head "Oh I really wish he would hold my hand right now, or hug me, or stroke my shoulder etc. etc.." you need to do it instead. Grab for his hand, initiate a hug, stroke his shoulder. It starts with you.
I have learned that if there is something missing, then I need to put in the effort forth to fill in the gap and not expect my husband to do it. Afterall he is just a man and I can't expect him to be a mind-reader or me (for that matter). I know it is hard. Marriage is not easy. But change can be accomplished when you are willing to be the first to change. He will catch on eventually, but it will take time. Hang in there.
? BFP Chart ?
Pleazure Box !!!! Pleazure Box!!!! You need to play this relationship game with your spouse. Hopefully, he won't be so selfish he won't play, but if he does I think this might be a great start in making both of you aware of each other needs in the relationship. Life is complicated enough as a single but it can be extremely complicated when you bring someone else into the fold.
The question I encourage you to ask yourself, was this behavior there when you were in the dating phrase? Many times we think people will change magically when we get married. Sorry, they usually don't. But don't be discouraged, continue to love that man of yours and continue to find ways to assist him in meeting your needs in the way you want. Try playing this game called Pleazure Box. www.pleazurebox.com. Good Luck...
I was just browsing around the boards and came to this post. The above PP has pretty much said it all. While reading that I started crying...yes I knew it wasn't meant for me...but it hit home pretty hard. DH & I aren't having problems with sex or really any problems with our relationship but this is true. My husband has asked me what happened to the girl I married...and to hear someone else say this instead of my husband I now know he wasn't just being a jerk..but he was being honest..so thank you:)
Call me Cheap, I call it growing up!