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BIL/Holidays question
So, my husband and I will be driving home for the holidays (Houston to Michigan ~22 hours) for about 6-7 days (depending on weather). we are trying to plan our holiday week and not really sure how to proceed. Husbands brother lives about 2 hours away and has xmas eve and the day after xmas off, but has to work xmas 8-5. Evidentially, he does not plan on coming home at all during the holidays because of "weather", although he will have been home the weekend before for his birthday and his future wifes bridal shower (and comes home many other weekends).
Both our families are extremely close, and it's been hard since we don't get to see each other much since husband and I moved away. In fact, this is the first Christmas for my husbands side where things will be totally different. They have literally had the same christmas eve/christmas since they were little. We generally try to split our trips home and holidays fairly evenly, meaning my family gets half the time and his family gets half the time.
If it were you, would you bother making the 2 trip up north to see BIL? If we don't, we may not see him until his bach party or wedding. Frankly, I just want something planned and in the books so we can all move forward with making plans to see friends and what not, but husbands family is VERY not confrontational and always politically correct, therefore, even though husband is very hurt that his brother doesn't seem concerned with coming down to see him, he won't say anything. Instead, he'll sit and hold a grudge.
To put this into context of what this really means for those that don't live away from family, if we have 6 days home, that means 3 days with both families....meaning 1 1/2 days would be monopolized with his bother.
Re: BIL/Holidays question
Do you want to see BIL? If the only thing that is holding you back is "anger" that he's not making the trip, then I would go. After all, he makes the trip plenty of times. He also has a fiancee he needs to share the holidays with, and HER family.
I would either go, or not go, but I would choose not to be angry. You can make the trip b/c you want to see BIL, or you can decide after 6 hours in the car you really don't want to drive another 2 for BIL, but it is rediculous to seethe or hold a grudge b/c BIL isn't coming to you / the ILS home. Two hours down and back is a lot!
If you don't visit BIL and see other friends / your own family instead, it is NOT the end of the world! It doesn't mean you hate him, just that you have a week off and are choosing to spend it in one place, not driving all over the state.
Well, as things have changed for you all, it appears things have changed for his brother too. But yet, your DH is making this totally about him. How hurt HE'LL be if his brother doesn't come.
His brother has to work ON Christmas, he is getting married and about to have a baby. Perhaps his focus for his days off are to spend them w/ his soon to be wife.
I mean- really, your DH needs to step out of himself and look at his brothers situation. Just as you and DH are a family now and YOU should be your DH's priority, the same can be said for his brother.
So your DH needs to stop making this about him and then from there, figure out what he wants to do about his brother.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My late MIL used to play this game with DH before I came along. He'd drive 13 hours to his brother's house (large, comfortable and centrally located) and his mother would insist he make the 1 1/2 hr drive to her house. One year he was short on time and asked her to "meet him half way". She refused and they didn't see each other that visit. She never pulled that crap ever again.
Just sayin'.
"Monopolized"?
If that's your attitude, don't go. I get that you are choosing to drive 22 hours through unknown weather and it burns your butt that BIL isn't willing to do 2. But that's not fair. BIL has a right to stay home and enjoy himself, even if it different from what you've chosen. Down the road, you may want to do the same and you won't want the seething anger you seem ready to dish out to him. Also, I don't see how a 2 hour trip became a 1 1/2 day 'monopoly' of your time. But I guess its hard to do math when you're pissed off.
If it was me, I'd pick a mid-point and invite him and FI to lunch. An hour for each is quite manageable.
Ditto Wahoo and ECB. They said it perfectly.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
I'm pretty sure the speed limit in Michigan is >20mph. OP, please do explain how a two hour drive becomes a day and a half trip?
Couple of clarifications: It's a 22 hour drive there and 22 back for us - not 6 hours, brother will not be spending Christmas with fiance nor her family, nor are they pregnant ??? not sure where any of that came from. BIL has xmas eve off and the day after xmas, but doesn't feel like making the drive for either one of those nights because he will have just been home for his birthday the weekend before and the possibility of bad weather. His fiance lives in our home town with her family and will be doing her family thing. My in laws may drive up christmas afternoon so he doesn't have to be alone at night, but I think it's more for their benefit, not his. My husband and his family (minus his brother) are very tradition oriented, so this is hard for them to adjust to.
We have exactly 6-7 days home depending on weather. If we split that time in half, each family gets 3-3.5 days with us. If we have to drive up to BIL, now husbands family only gets 1.5 days with us...that is why it will take up a day and a half...I'm sure a fun day and a half and hopefully inlaws could come up at the same time but still day and a half. There is also no place to sleep, he lives in a one bed room apartment. I guess my point is that it feels like BIL is inconviencing everyone else because he doesn't want to drive and husband is kind of hurt that it doesn't seem to be a priority at all to see him. We wouldn't not go see him out of anger, it's more out of time constraints. I understand priorities shift as we all get married and move on, but it's just frustrating when we are trying to make it a priority to ensure we hang out, but it doesn't seem like it is for him.
To end- this is ONE fricking year. His brother has to work ON Christmas. That sucks. Give the guy a break. Go see him if you really can do it w/o anger and annoyance, or don't go see him if you'd rather not add another 4 hour round trip drive to your week.
But seriously - your DH needs to back off of this and realize he's doing EXACTLY what he is pissed at his brother for doing. No one will die if they don't see each other this one year.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
EB - I think you are blowing this out of proportion. I was simply venting and asking if others would bother making the trip or have gone through similiar experiences....you are acting like WWIII is going to break out. I get it, you say, screw it and don't be mad.
The day and half is because it was proposed to us by bil to come and stay so we can go out on the town.
ANd saying "Hey- why don't you come to my town and stay the night" isn't the same as expecting you all to come and HIM getting upset because you don't come.
I'm looking at this as if it were my BIL- he's very spotty about showing up for holidays. He could easily throw out "Hey- why don't you come see me" as an idea, and if we didn't, he'd say "O.k. Maybe next time" and it would be no big deal.
Maybe your BIL is different, maybe he will be upset. But nothing in what you've said leads me to believe he will be upset. Right now, it's been all about your DH and how upset he is/will be that his brother isn't coming to see him.
I just think he needs to step outside of himself on this and realize that none of this is being done to intentionally hurt him. "Life" has taken over and what the family christmas used to be just isn't going to happen this year. It happens and your DH needs to roll w/ it on some level.
If he doesn't want to drive 2 additional hours, then he shouldn't. And I have a feeling that his brother isn't going to be nearly as upset/put out about this as your DH seems to be.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
And you can easily ask your BIL to meet you for lunch or dinner in the middle, and spend only a few hours out of the 3 days you have with his family.