Sex & Romance
Ms.Lulu.
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What gets you in the mood?
OK I'm sure this is probably the #1 question asked on here but I need some tips on how to get in the mood...it seems like I am never in the mood to have sex and I think it is starting to affect our relationship.
I am fairly young (23) and I am not on BC so I don't know what the problem is! When Dh and I do have sex, its great but getting there is what I am having trouble with. He mentioned last week that he would like it if I would initiate once in a while because I will admit he always seems to initiate and sometimes I'm just not in the mood and I'm sure he is getting tired of always initiating and getting shut down sometimes.
Sooo, any tips or just share what gets you in the mood would be great!
TIA
Re: What gets you in the mood?
I read erotica. Sometimes I don't need to and can just fantasize, but if I can't get there I read it. There are sites online and I have books.
I'm also comfortable with watching porn. I try to keep myself consistently interested, we have sex 5 - 7 times a week, so I just try to keep a slow burn.
Is there something you really enjoy? Something you guys can do that you can use to build up excitement?
We also do email foreplay, back and forth throughout the day making suggestions or options.
fantasize,
Put on something sexy
Poor a hot bath and get him in with you (starts off slower where you can just connect and usually both of us are in the mood in no time and wanting to get out)
Watch a dirty movie
Read a sexy book
You just kind of have to go for it, once you start you know you get in the mood, I doubt you ever actually regret having sex with your H so just jump in, don't turn him down unless you actually have a good reason, and honestly sometimes initiating will put you in the mood, it's nice to feel that kind of control sometimes;)
Thanks for the tips...I am naturally a shy person so me initiating is going to be a little challenging. I think the problem, too, is that we are soo busy that it's just easier to go to bed. Once we are having sex everything is great, but getting there is what I need to overcome.
These are great tips! Thanks for your help!
When my husband cleans our house and cooks me dinner, that usually does the trick with me
Try giving eachother a massage, cuddling, start making out, open a bottle of wine, work out together (yes, seeing eachother sweat and doing weight training can be a turn on!) just to name a few...
Also, I notice with myself that the better I feel about myself, the sexier I feel and that leads to me being turned on for sex more often. Make sure to eat right and get plenty of exercise. Treat yourself to some fancy lingerie that showcase your proud features (i.e. low cut for nice breasts, hipster panties for nice butt, etc), buy an expensive bottle of perfume and wear it only on special occassions, get your hair and nails done, buy a new pair of heels, etc.
Porn. Sometimes we like to shower together, and then the kissing starts...then it goes from there.
But when I'm not in the mood, I don't force it. To me, that would just make me want it even less...it would just make me feel like it's a chore to be completed.
Last updated 4/06/11
Along these lines, we like to keep the foreplay going all day/evening. Innuendos (or flat-out dirty talk) and touches throughout the day keep things lively for us, and by the time we retreat to the bedroom, I'm ready to go!
We really weren't having sex as often as we would prefer. Similar to you, OP, I would enjoy it once we get going, but I never really wanted to get started. I find that the more often we have sex, and the more I let him touch me instead of just brushing his hands away in annoyance, the more I enjoy it and loosen up.
We also both enjoy erotic stories and porn...it's kind of the quick mood-booster for us.
Many things for me. Porn, books, taking showers together, getting in the hot tub together, caressing, lingerie, feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries, etc.
If you're shy you just have to find out what right for you. He's your DH so there's nothing to be shy about...
we text all day at work.. talking about it makes it more fun when u come home.
watch a chick movie...watching that perfect guy and perfect movie sex might help
candles, wine, the usual, or do something together like a walk or cook dinner.
Seeing my hubby in his uniform turns me on...but that doesn't really help you out much.
I just try to remember the same thing a pp said, you never regret it afterwards.
We text throughout the day. Talking dirty puts us both in the mood.
One thing to keep in mind is that putting too much pressure on yourself to 'get in the mood' and 'be the one to initiate' can lead to stress, which is definitely a mood-killer. It's perfectly okay to take it one step at a time, even if it is spread over a few hours or days. If you're shy, why not start with initiating a make-out session (with no intention of sex, although if it leads there, then go for it!). Once you're more comfortable initiating little things like making out or massaging each other, you'll feel more confident initiating the rest. (and it will probably lead there anyway).
When you do arrive 'at the moment', think about what things keep you fired up - is it dirty talking, the visual pleasure of seeing each other naked, the intense physical feelings, etc? If you can figure out what turns you on, you can use that to get you in the mood before sex. As others have mentioned, a dirty story, maybe some risqu? images to get your mind going, or putting on some lingerie (or a bathrobe and nothing underneath!). If your busy schedule is making you too tired, be sure to set aside some date time to get physical and connect. We were having some problems finding time in our busy lives, so we decided to schedule time - sounds silly but it makes you commit to pleasing each other which is always a good thing!
I have the same problem. DH and I have 2 kids (ages 4 and 1) I am also a SAHM (stay at home mom) so when it's bed time i am so ready to fall asleep. Like OP once it gets going it's great but i have problems getting there.
Things i do try are:
Nice baths, sexy cloths, having a glass of wine.
they seem to help but wish i would be in the mood more. I will take some of your tips and try them out.
Thanks
I have the exact opposite problem. My husband is never in the mood! So since I'm in the mood all the time, my tips would be to pick up some books, but not just erotica...pick up HOT SEX or something from your local book store. I am a competative/perfectionist and I find that giving myself a challenge, especially in the bedroom makes it more fun/exciting/desirable for me.
Also, as a woman who asks her man for it more and for him to initiate I think rather than stress think about why they want that. I know I want him to ask for it and initiate because it makes me feel desired, wanted. When I'm begging for it, it just isn't as sweet, or if I'm doing all the work, not as rewarding. So next time you think how great it is once he got it started, remember how that makes you feel and try and make your husband feel it. A dirty text or a longer kiss in the morning will probably do the trick, he'll know you want him and even if he ends up initiating, he knew you asked for it before...
Uh-oh, KT - I think somebody's been listening to a little too much Dr. Laura.
I agree with you that men connect and feel loved and validated through sex. I always try to keep that in mind when he's in the mood and I hesitate. He doesn't make me wait when I need to talk and be held, which is what makes me feel loved, so I try not to deny him what he likes. If I can at all PUT myself in the mood (including with dirty stories, etc) I will do that - but we generally do that together, not instead of being together. Sometimes it's just a 5 minute distraction to help us transition from stressed-out professional mode into sexy couple mode.
All that said, I'm a sexual assault survivor, so forcing myself to be intimate when I don't want to be, even if it's out of love for him, is potentially really damaging for our trust bond. We have a loving relationship - if he's content to make physical use of my body when I'm not in the right headspace, and I'm just doing him a favor, there's something REALLY WRONG. He can tell if I'm not into it, and that's just as hurtful as saying no - plus, it's dishonest.
We've developed a rule of my saying "I'm willing to begin." Then we make out, snuggle naked, and enjoy each other, and 90% of the time, we'll make love. If I just can't get my head in the right place, we stop, and we're still closer than we were before. I refuse to think my husband feeling loved is about his getting off. It's about knowing I want him, that we share this need to be close, and that we're willing to try for one another, even if it doesn't always work out.
Aahhh! Finally somebody who gets it! And yes, i listen to Dr. Laura. How did you guess?!?! LOL!!!! Awesome!!!
I was assaulted by my own Father and it took a long time to get over that and to realize i shouldn't put two and two together. It's a hard thing to get out of your mind, but with understanding and forgiveness it will get better.
Sex is mostly in your head....and, its not relegated to the evening/night hours. Try thinking about some of your very best encounters in your mind while you are driving/running errands or doing chores...this will remind your mind how great it is to connect with your H.
Have sex in the morning on the weekends....at night during the week is hard due to fatigue...
Use fantasy - not porn - or even "education"...plan an encounter where he will pretend to be a virgin and you will teach him how to make romance with you...then, next month, trade roles....
Text him a passionate message....even if the message is not overtly sexual....have him read it to you when he gets home.
Call his phone just to hear his voice....leave a brief message that lets him know he is your hero and you cannot wait to see him that night.
Plan a sex day - really, if you have kids, get rid of them for a day, if you don't have kids tune out the world one day a month and plan to have sex as much that day as you both can get aroused to have....walk around naked...shower together, give each other full body massages...lay in bed and talk or sing or watch tv or whatever....its just one day and he will learn to look forward to your exclusive time together.
Wow it's like reading about my own sex life. I have the same problems so thank you for posting this. I think this is a common problem.
Getting there is hard for me to, but then during and after I'm like "why don't we do this all the time!!" duh.
Basically, I just have to do it whether I feel like it or not. Because 9 times out of 10 once we start I am all for it. So just try and push through that "I am not in the mood" feeling - it will be hard trust me - and just do it. Then it gets easier. However, we're not into foreplay at all, we just jump into it.
My DH feels like I am not attracted to him or don't want him as much because I rarely initiated it before - which was not the case and I'm sure that's how you and your H are feeling too.
Well, all above suggestions are great...so far not one is useless. One thing I find however, is that porn is too "overacted"...it doesn't look natural, and I find myself laughing at the actors rather than getting in the mood. What I do instead: there are series out there, rated "over 18", or movies, and you can download them, and watch only the pertinent scenes. One that's fantastic is "The Tudors"... I like to watch it anyway, the story is great, I don't use it just as porn, but the sex scenes in it are really well done, very erotic.
I'm sure there are others, if you don't just want to watch them anyway, then look up the sexiest episodes on the net, and download just those. Nip/Tuck is one that's chock full of 'em, and the movie "Unfaithful" is good for that too.