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Need some feedback
About a year ago I recieved an email from my sister-in-law saying the my husband and I spend too much time with my family and I'm the reason he doesn't see them as often as he should. The emails continued as well as passive agressive posts on both myspace and facebook about how I wasn't "really" apart of their family. Even though attempts have been made to resolve the situation by both my husband and I, she still has this chip on her shoulder when it comes to me. Long story short, yesterday at Thanksgiving my husband, 11 month old son and I went to my husbands mother's for dinner. As we walk in she acknowledges everyone but me. Then we were having a conversation about how my son hasn't said mama yet and how if he says another person's name before that I would be devestated (jokingly). Well she gets in my son's face and begins repeating her name over and over. (just to get under my skin) This continues throughout the entire day!! I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt my husband by not wanting to participate in their family gatherings, but when you are being treated like that who would????
Re: Need some feedback
Your DH needs to talk to her. TEll her that you all took to heart the email she sent last year, you've tried to correct it, but now you are being met w/ attitude from her. He needs to be clear- if this continues, you all may go back to not spending time w/ them all if this is how she's going to act.
You are his wife, the mother of hise child, and he expects his sister to be mature and treat you w/ respect.,
Just as you all took her email and concerns to heart last year, he expects her to do the same now w/ how the two of you feel about her treatment of you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sorry but you have an H problem.
He needs to step up to the plate and very kindly tell him that his wife is his family. And the old addage holds true: YOur son is your son until he takes a wife.
That he won't be more proactive and tell them to stfu? Pity. Enjoy taking a back seat to them for good.
And acknowleging everybody but you is RUDE. I'd have turned around and went out the door and let HIM enjoy his holiday with his rude "family."
Your mother in law also sounds like a bully. She walked up to your son and did WHAT? Uh, you never should have stood for that.
Exactly. However, it is time for your DH to stand up to his family and tell them that he will not allow them to treat you poorly.
You've gotten some good advice so far. You H needs to take a more proactive stance in this. For example, at Thanksgiving your H should have said to his sister, loudly "wow, Sis, you didn't say hello to LEXIDOLL! Why don't you say hello! It would be SO RUDE not to." You can also prep your H before you got to your ILS. Let him know that you are not going to take responsibility for his relationship with his family, and HE is free to stay, but you will not stay anywhere that you are treated rudely unless he speaks up for you, and you will be taking DS witih you.
As for telling your SIL "I will be devestated if ds doesn't say mommy first." you set yourself up. Don't share that type of information. FYI, kids usually DO NOT say "mommy" as one of their first words, because it's harder to say than "daddy" and other words.
I would also suggest you discontinue your myspace and facebook relationships with her. Un-friend her on facebook (or don't allow her to see or write on your wall posts by changing your settings for her), and do the equivalent on myspace (I don't know how myspace works, but arrange it so you don't get updates on her status, and she can't write on your board - even if that means unfriending her).
The next time she sends you a rude email, don't reply. Forward the email to your H, and cc your SIL. Tell your H his sister is his problem to solve, but you expect him to put an end to the rude emails from her.
Sounds EXACTLY like my DH's family!
They do not care about you or your feelings. Do not go to family gatherings and have DH tell them you all won't be going until they apologize to YOU.
The first thing I thought when I read this post was that I would have told the SIL to stop repeating the name because it was slowly killing both the kid's and her brain cells.
From what I can tell, you don't want to have a war with your SIL but she is trying her best. I would block her from facebook and myspace, it will make it so you can't see her posts, and vice versa. Then make them private if you haven't already.
Also I have to agree with pps that you set yourself up, when you told her. As sad as it sounds, when someone is this toxic to you, you have to treat it like every single bit of personal information that you or your DH give is like taking a knife and stabbing it into yourself. I have to do that with my dad and two of my spouse's family members like this because of their toxic behavior.
How does his family feel? Do they have the same problems with the SIL? Do they feel like the SIL? Do they promote the attitude? If the answer is yes to all but the first two, then you might end up having to limit even the personal information that you give them. Example, in my family we all leave my dad out because of his toxicity so I can tell any other family member anything without fear of my dad using it to hurt me. My spouse's family on the other hand have the "but their family" line to them. They try to be close to them, even if it almost always ends up in pain and drama. This has left us limiting most of the family only knowing what company we work for and non-personal funny stories.
Check us out
I would speak with her *with* your husband. I wouldn't send your husband to do it alone - because then you look passive aggressive and even more *not* a part of the family. I wouldn't do it on my own, because you can be misunderstood or not be open to ugliness (or misunderstand her).
Definitely speak with her in your husband's presence. I would start out by stating something along the lines of, "I'm confused...you don't feel I'm a part of the family but I'm not clear on if you don't want me to be a part of it, or if you actually do. I only say this because I did listen to your original complaint on the matter, and DH and I tried to increase our family time with you guys. Yet, I have to confess, I'm feeling a little shut out when {and fill in the blank}. DH sees this as well, and for his sake, I want us to resolve our issues so that future visits are not only enjoyable but can be more frequent. Am I misunderstanding where you are coming from?"
I would let the baby saying mama thing go. I know, I know. Coupled with this bigger issue about being welcomed as part of the family it *is* a big deal. However, it could be unrelated to the main issue. I'm an Auntie with a wry and sarcastic sense of humor and may well have done the same thing without even having a moment's clarity that it was not funny. Of course, I wouldn't have done such a thing if I weren't really tight with my SIL, either.
Sorry you had to deal with it.
ahhh yes SIL's can be a pain in the neck sometimes. (I know mine can) Yours just seems territorial and immature. All that negativity and blatant ignoring/manipulating is pathetic. The best combantant is to be super nice and huggy. Since she doesnt want to acknowledge you, it will get under her skin even more. Besides being a great person,wife and mother, who is cheery and polite, never makes an issue. Dont ever feel powerless, bc as the wife and mother you have it all. Good luck at Christmas!
P.s. a glass of wine works wonders for me lol!