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don't know what to do right now..
Awhile ago I made the very difficult decision to cut my bio father out of my life. This was mainly due to his refusal to care for or deal with his various mental issues as well as him always trying to borrow money, and when I refused he started using my information to get credit without my knowledge. Unfortunately this also put me in the position of no longer having contact with my step-mother or step-brother. My older (half) sister had also cut him out of her life many years before he remarried and therefore never really knew his new family.
This morning my step-brother contacted my sister on facebook to inform her his estranged wife had killed my step-mother Tuesday morning. I am devastated and feel extremely guilty for not having contact with her these past few years. I also don't know how my step-brother would feel about me attending any of the services or sending flowers to acknowledge her passing.
Also there is the issue that our father is in a nursing home (because of his mental and physical issues) my step-mother had a will put in place when I cut off contact giving my step-brother guardianship should anything happen to her. However when it comes down to it he is still our father, and he has just tragically lost his wife. My step-brother and father live in Alabama, I am in Ohio, and my sister is in Michigan.. obviously we are not close enough to do a whole lot.
I really don't know what I'm asking at this point, or if I'm just rambling to get it all out, but thanks for reading...
Re: don't know what to do right now..
Holy crap. Have your sister just ask him how he would feel about you attending.
I dont know what you are asking about your father...
First off, I am not sure what you are asking. If you are considering attending the funeral or paying your respects in some way, do so in a manner that is least disruptive to the grief-stricken family. If your presence at your stepmother's funeral would be upsetting/infuriating to the chief mourners, don't go; and instead pay your respects privately, at the graveside, after burial. Or send a memorial/flowers to the funeral parlor; or a letter of condolence to the chief grievers.
If you just want to go because you feel bad that your father's wife died because this stirs up a lot of old bad memories that have you unsettled, don't go.
I don't know why you feel guilty for cutting your father out of your life. Of course it's painful to have to come to this conclusion; but his behavior, regardless of cause, was intolerable and caused you great harm. His wife's murder is distressing, of course; but she was not murdered because you cut your dad out of your life.
Please don't internalize this event; it did not happen to you. It's part and parcel of a disastrous life that your father had, in part because he is ill and in part because he made dreadful choices. If you find your feelings are too enmeshed in this event, by all means seek some counselling; it sounds as if it is long past due, in any event, due to your father's illness and poor treatment of you.
From what my step-brother told my sister apparently when his ex had first moved out of the house about 6 weeks ago(my step-mother moved in with them when my father was put into the nursing home) she stole my step-mother's purse with her checkbook and credit/debt cards in it. My step-mother contacted the authorities and was in the process of pressing charges.
When the police came and had my step-brother go through the house more of her documents including her social security card and new bank info was missing. It also looked like they were attempting to set the house on fire after her death. By time the police started investigating his ex and her new bf had already used some of his mom's new credit cards.
Who is they?
I'm so sorry, this grief is very complicated.
I would try to attend the funeral. I not only feel like you feel driven to be there, but I think you may also be criticized for not being there (i.e. "she should have at least come tot the funeral).
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm sorry for your family's situation, and I'm so sorry that you are feeling torn over your past decisions. I don't understand how your adult-siblings became estranged from you because of your father, if it was about taking sides or what. But, I understand these things are complicated (I have estranged family members, too, and know that sometimes it does cut one off from peripheral relationships through no desire of one's self).
I would base contacting your step-brother purely on the relationship you had with him prior to the upset with your father *and* on your willingness to have him back in your life. This is his mother, correct? I would at least phone and acknowledge the time you two have lost (if appropriate) and ask if there is anything supportive you can do. Then I would request if your being present at a funeral would be too uncomfortable for him.
As far as your relationship with your father goes, it depends on where you are in the forgiveness mode. If you distanced yourself for protective reasons, I would think that his being in a nursing home would limit if not stifle his ability to do you harm (financial or otherwise). Your step-brother may indeed need that extra bit of emotional and physical (and perhaps financial) support from you where your father is concerned. He'll be grieving through his own loss of mother, likely marriage and his anger issues with his estranged wife. It's a lot to have your father's care on his shoulders as well - and you can help in that area, even long distance, even without re-opening a relationship between you and your father.
Lastly, I think if you haven't already sought out some form of counseling - just even for sounding out your guilt (false guilt or other regrets) it may be a good time for you to treat yourself to a little outsider encouragement as well.