Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MIL's hurtful comment
MIL is in town for the holiday and I was really hoping for a nice, uneventful visit.
MIL, SIL, and I went shopping the day before Thanksgiving and while at lunch she said about 10 times in a row "I don't want to be a grandmother!".
DH and I are having issues conceiving and only my side of the family is aware of the issues. We have never really talked about kids with MIL because of comments she has made in the past similar to this. DH spoke with her about it and she said the only reason she said it was because she thought we didn't want kids.
How do I get past being hurt by her?
Re: MIL's hurtful comment
She probably meant it from a standpoint of, "I don't want to think of myself as an 'old woman,'" rather than, "I don't want the two of you to have a baby."
Plus, unless she's a real biitch, I'm sure she never would've said that if she knew you were having TTTC. I don't think you should take it personally. She couldn't have known you're having issues if you guys have never told her (which is, of course, your right to keep secret if you wish).
If she's otherwise a kind person to you, then I would just try and let it go. It sounds like it wasn't something that she said to purposely hurt you. If you said your husband spoke to her and she apologized, then that's all you can ask for. Unless there's more to the story, it doesn't really seem to be like this was a huge "event." More like a case of her speaking before thinking.
Maybe bc you didn't talk about wanting kids with MIL she just assumed you didn't want any and was trying to tell you that she was ok with that decision. If this is the only issue you have with her then maybe that's it.
You even say she doesn't know about your issues. So obviously, it's not coming from a place of trying to be hurtful.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yeah, I'm with the PPs. It doesn't seem your MIL is trying to be hurtful. I am sure if your MIL knew that you wanted to have children and are struggling to conceive, she would be a lot more gentle with her words, but she doesn't know. Obviously you don't have to tell her about your personal medical issues, but you do have to understand that she doesn't know and therefore doesn't know you're extra-sensitive to those types of comments.
Thank you for the insight. Sometimes it's hard to see what's really going on when you are so close to the situation.When it does happen, she will be a young grandmother. She had DH when she was 19. I just hope now that she knows the situation, she stops saying it.
I am just trying to figure out why exressing her feelings about not wanting to be a grandmother is really that hurtful to begin with. How does that comment reflect on YOU (OP) or your DH?
Just like some people do not want kids, some people just do not want grandkids. And they have every right to not want to take on the percieved standard responsibilities that come with grandparenthood.
And really, she made these comments in front of your SIL. So it is not as if she is directing the comments to YOU (OP). I mean hell, she said this to her own daughter.
Look, would I be a bit shocked if my MIL had said something like that, sure. But but not hurt. But I definitely would not make HER comment about ME. All I would take away from the conversation would be that I would need to limit my conversations and interactions with her - at least on the grandparent level, and be sure not to go to her for assistance.
I think you missed my point. How does this comment actaully reflect on YOU or your DH?
Unless she is implying that if you have kids, she will most likely have to take them on because YOU will be horrid parents, this really has nothing to do with YOU personally and all to do with her own sense of self.
It could be that she doesn't feel old enough (54 is a young grandmother) or that she doesn't really like children (the late 70s and early 80s were still on the cusp of female=expected to have kids).
But because she has never once said that she doesn't think YOU are ready to be parents, then take what she has said / is saying at face value. She just doesnt want to be a grandmother.
And go from there.
I agree with previous posters.
Honestly, my first thought was that she meant that she didn't want to feel old. I'm guessing that's all she meant by it. A lot of women are freaked out at the idea of being a grandma.
I think it's a bit of an odd comment at such a random moment, especially when there are no grandchildren on the way, but I don't see why you would take this personally.
She doesn't know your issues, so how could she know it would be hurtful to you?