Family Matters
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
New here need help
Hey ladies I need your help. One of my cousins just got engaged...I should be happy about this but I can't. I can't because the guy that proposed to her beat her bad...I am talking about black eye and broken ribs. She said this has only happened once but I don't believe it for a second. I love this cousin like a sister but I just cannot force myself to be happy about this. The way I look at it is once a hitter always a hitter. Ahhh I am just so upset about this. I don't even know what to do. Sorry I just needed to vent.
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Re: New here need help
It's denial and it is also something called Stockholm syndrome. It's also not healthy and it is also a codependency.
No force on earth will convince her not to marry this guy. It's unfortunate for her. And I sure don't understand how your parents now think he's a great guy. This is a mess all around.
You are right. Once a hitter always a hitter. Unfortunately, I know with experience that a battered woman will not leave until they have hit rock bottom. You can't make her see that, but you can be there to help her. You can be her safe house where she keeps important documents and a change of clothes. A woman in a situation like your cousin's needs a support net of people ready to help when she needs it and in most cases when she gets to courage to leave her safety net falls short.
It may alienate her for a time but if this really upsets you, you can tell her why, offer support when needed and leave it at that.
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This. Convince her to keep clothes and at least copies of documents with you or her parents, say in case of fire or whatnot, which is actually also a good reason to keep copies elsewhere.
I have multiple friends who've survived an abusive ex, and all of them are strong people. So work hard not to look down on your cousin for staying. I'm not sure what we did that helped them the most, unfortunately. One stayed with us on her way out. One just talked to me about what happened to him afterward.
I wouldn't stay quiet about what you think of the guy, but don't ever threaten to cut her out of your life unless she bucks up. She needs a place to go. I want to recommend having a stern talk about not feeling comfortable supporting the marriage, but I very much worry that he'll use it as an excuse to convince her to stop talking to you, and slowly phase her friends, relatives and safety net out of her life until she has nowhere to go. If you do attend the wedding, don't back out of just the photos and upset the day. That's a petty factor in the overall story. I guess you could express your disapproval of the marriage but say you'll be happy to attend because you love and support your cousin, and always will.
This...she won't answer my calls or text messages anymore. We live a little over 2 hours away so I cannot just show up and make her talk to me. I just hope that in the end she will be ok and realize how stupid he is. Thanks ladies for all the advice...it's nice to be able to talk to people.