Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Toxic friendship turned ugly
Hello everyone. I'm not a newlywed, and didn't realize this site was for newlyweds until AFTER I joined. But, I figure so what? Fifteen years of marriage and 3 kids later and we still coo at each other when the lights go out. The family relationships aren't what is on my mind right now, it's the one of the best friend variety. Though there is so much more to the backstory here, I will shorten it to say this much: we need to take time-outs often in this friendship. It's been more than twenty years, and I have to say I'm pretty done this time. I never really felt this way before in those silly arguments and petty jabs that left me going, 'Yeah, you need to go find yourself or something, and we can talk again later.' This time, I'm not really upset, I feel like it was coming, and the timing was almost anticipated. I'm not the one who even started it, but I feel like I knew she would. Perhaps it's history repeating itself, perhaps it's knowing myself better than ever, but of this much I am certain: I am not putting up with it anymore.
Our lives are drastically different, yet she likes to try to compare us at every opportunity. I'm married to the man that still brings me flowers just because and we have children who no longer need diapers or strollers. They're pretty incredible little people. She is not married, and never wanted kids, she says. I do not think everyone needs to be married or have kids to be happy, far from it. I think we all have our own paths, and only we can walk through our lives. I don't want to throw this all out there, but in the midst of a 'discussion' we had about the gossiping, the rumors, the down right evil things she says behind my back I come to find she has been posting pictures of my children on Facebook.
Everything else, to me, was pretty usual and of the 'We will get over it one day' sort. When I confronted her about it, she just didn't care. The response was, 'Oh. Um. Okay. I guess I'll take them down.' Granted, I HAD an album of my kids that was locked for all of 5 people to see when I used to have an account. It was locked down, and when FB changed their privacy terms, I left FB. One day last week she text me, "Miss you and the kids. Send me some pics!" I text some photos right from my phone, which she then uploaded, unbeknownst to me. Furthermore, I then find out she has been talking about me on FB to strangers and people from high school, giving completely inaccurate details about my life and her role in it.
After our last 'time-out' I have been keeping her at a distance intentionally. I feel very guarded about my family around her, and my ds was the one who pointed this out to me. I should feel comfortable with people I call friends. Now, I just find myself worrying. Will she post any more photos, and how will I know if she does? Will she get a clue after I CLEARLY said do NOT ever do that again? A part of me wanted to keep things cordial, because I am tired of the juvenile behavior. I don't think I can be cordial now. I'm not sure if I should broach the subject again, make a new FB and try to keep tabs, hit my head against a wall, or what.
(I should mention I found out because she had her page open. My kids photos, our location, their names, even a photo of their SCHOOL was open to the public.)
Thanks for listening.
Re: Toxic friendship turned ugly
I understand how you feel, I would say cut your loss and go on with your own life with OUT her being any part of it! change phone numbers what ever you have to do, but someone like that is NOT a friend at all, it's more like the saying about enemy's to me. Be straight with her, tell her how you feel about what shes doing on FB...that you feel you can't be her friend. from what I saw in your vent, she has no Friendship skills that would make trying to save this worth my time.
I had a friend kinda like that we went are own ways cause I couldn't do it anymore, and think she was done too. so it was a clean break.
GOOD LUCK! were here for you!
Do you happen to know if I can report to Facebook without having an account? I suppose I could make a new one, my feelings on this are still.... raw.
Not sure, is there a Contact Us section if you're not logged in?
You can (or you recently were able to) restart your deleted account. You could restart your account, blocking everyone, and contact the powers that be that way with the reason why you felt prompted to quit FB in the first place, and then report her?
But like I said, that doesn't excuse her for posting the pics with identifying information. Clearly you don't want to be friends with her, so I would just end the friendship for good.
ITA.
It may sound snobby because I deleted the other half of that statement, because it was just 'too much.' The point is, I do not believe everyone should be married, have babies, etc. SHE, on the other hand, calls us breeders, repeatedly says things like, 'If I wanted to be a loser and add more kids to an already overpopulated world, I would have, it's not hard', and so on.... She makes comparisons, which are inaccurate, and at the same time wants to be involved with my kids lives, like she is the 'best aunt in the world, then slaps me in the face with things such as 'This is why I don't have kids.' if I dare mention doing anything with them during what she calls, 'Adult time.' (Friday, Saturday, Sunday)
Since I deleted the other half, I should have also deleted that part, I agree. I only meant I do not believe one way of life is better or worse. She has been miserable for the better part of a decade, and I would certainly never think being single is the root cause of this.
The main point is only her wanting to be a part of my life and my kids, even to the point of posting things on the web, yet making snarky comments all the while about married people, children, and the like.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I can no longer access my old account, and the e-mail is no longer in use since I moved. I was with someone else on FB and we were showing their teenager how to use the privacy controls, and happened to pull up her page as an example, only to be shocked at what I saw.
As far as reporting, the only real information I have received is to obtain a restraining order. I hope she doesn't continue this, but I have no way of seeing her page at the present time. I'd like to say her word alone that she won't do it again is enough, but I find no comfort in her behavior.
Sorry, I agree with the PP, this friendship seems to have run its course. She doesn't respect your feelings and wishes.
I can relate, I am currently in a time-out with my friend of 18 years. I am trying to decide if it is worth contacting her, and giving her that second chance.
Good luck!
It sucks when longtime friendships run their course. I haven't seen or heard from my BFF of 20 years in months; maybe a few times here and there via e mail. It's not that our friendship is over; it's just that we both have our own personal lives going on, with my H and her BF, kids aand families.
Sometimes that's just the direction in which life takes us, especially when interests and priorities become different (such as you having a family and her benig single). But it sounds like this one has been over for awhile now with the way she "really" feels, so just don't even bother contacting her anymore. Time to move on and close the chapter you shared with her.
I might be alone here, but I don't see why you're so angry.
I agree 100% that it was inconsiderate to post pictures of your kids on Facebook, especially because she has seen you keep photos private.
At the same time, some people just don't think that much about privacy. You told her to take them down, and I assume that she did.
I can understand how you might be a bit upset, but I'm confused about how genuinely angry you seem to be.
If I were to break off friendships just because a friend was inconsiderate about something, I'd have no friends left.
Nobody's perfect. She made a mistake, and I assume she took the photos down when you said it bothered you. What's the big deal?
The break of the friendship was not about this one thing, it was because of the collective issues that I find to be noxious. every few years we get back into contact, then the snake rears it's ugly head and we need to part. The dissolution of the friendship is the least of my concern, it is the lying, made-up world and stories she is telling the world on a social media site. The photos on FB were the proverbial straw, including the incorrect details of my life that not only accompanied the photos, but littered her page. Things like she is planning to come with me on holiday to such-and-such a place, things we were going to do that are not happening, and so on. She gave me no definitive answer that she would delete them, she only set her page to be more private, and has yet to remove them.
When I had my pictures on FB, it was years ago before she even had a page and before the privacy policy loosened. I have since deactivated my page, yet she is posting photos of my kids at school, and so on, with neither my knowledge nor permission and having full-blown conversations about me and my kids to people I do not know, and that she barely knows.
The things I saw on her page weren't necessarily vicious, but they were lies all the same and invasive. One of the photos in front of a school says, "Wow, (My son's name) goes to the same school as -INSERT FAMOUS NAME HERE- isn't that cool?" No, I do not think it's cool to just broadcast my kid's school to a couple hundred perfect strangers. My daughter (very young daughter) had a caption with her age, full name, and something very specific to her school.
Had she said anything along the lines of 'Oh, didn't think of it, no problem. I will delete' I would have been irritated, but moved along. She did not. She grumbled and scoffed. She says hateful things about children, yet used mine as talking points to people she met online. Therein lies my problem. And as of today, to my knowledge, she has not removed the photos but instead has added more, including some of me nursing. This is according to someone we knew in high school that had previously contacted me because she gave out my personal cell number.
Oh, the friendship has ended. I had it out with her, etc. There is no question about that, my post wasn't about whether to end the friendship. It's the fact she has photos of my family on FB, won't remove them, and as I found out today is still posting random things and photos like we're super-tight. I don't know what else to say to her to get her to understand this is mental.
I daresay, I may need to call her mother if she continues acting like a lunatic.
This.
As PPs have said, contact FB to have the pictures taken down. As far as the comments go, let it go. Who cares what she's saying about you? If someone questions you on something they heard from her, just respond with a simple 'I'm not sure where she got that information, we haven't spoken in some time' and change the subject.
Contacting her mother makes you look like the crazy one.
Ok, with this information I'll change my opinion. She didn't take the photos down, mentioned where your kid went to school and posted nursing photos of you? Even when you asked her to take them down?
Yes, end the friendship.
Friendship has ended, did so before Thanksgiving. FB has been contacted and I have received nothing of substance in return, though it has been merely a day. The more I find out, the more I am horrified.
I will say these last two things: if I wanted drama I would be on Facebook, and the comment about contacting her mother was a joke. I only want to know if anyone else has had any kind of issue like this, and how did they get FB to respond? To be perfectly honest, this is a silly problem to have. I cannot believe I am a grown woman dealing with another grown woman over something like this.
UPDATE: Her profile is gone.
*Back to life as I know it.*
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sounds to me like she's jealous of you and your full, happy life. Why else would she choose to live vicariously through your children on a social networking website? Lame stuff.
You would benefit breaking off this friendship - or lack thereof - for good. I recently ended a 20+ year friendship that had not been fulfilling for a long time and know it was the right decision. She pulled the same kind of inconsiderate "just-under-the-radar-every-time" kind of stuff that became very hurtful over time. I hesitated due to our history (we were best friends in high school) but am happy now and have not looked back.
I had to blink to see if I wrote this or if you are pulling some freaky mind reading thing.... Yes, yes, and double yes. As I have said, ending the friendship didn't bend me much, which I find telling. But the online thing is too much, and I wasn't the only one lacing her page.
It is sad, but at the same time do you feel lighter? I do. A huge amount of stress feels like it's been lifted.