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Sister
I have posted here about different things and this time is about my sister.
She is younger than me and has lead a different life style. She met husband and six weeks later they got married. He has bipolar type 1, schizophranic behaviors, etc. But that is besides the point. She is a very angry person due to us growing up and what we went through - she keeps acting like she is a martyr and woe is her. She gets absolute rage and anger whenever someone doesn't say what she wants to hear etc. She has alienated my adopted parents, brother, and aunt because of this. She has been horrible to me too.
Anyways she lost a baby in 2009 due to anecphyl - baby was born without a brain and died shortly after. Anyways since then she has become more delusional and basically woe is her, etc. On his bday, they always send messages via balloons to him. They go to his grave and visit him. And she always puts up a Christmas tree for him and talks about him nonstop.
She is obsessed with becoming pregnant again though she has had 3 miscarriages since and is not pregnant again. Her mission is to have another baby, inspite she has 3 beautiful children she has now. She will go to great lengths to have another "healthy baby." This has become her mission and she has a blog and all these other things that she dwells on the death of her child, etc.
Now she has something on FB where you send Christmas cards to her deceased child to put near his Christmas tree. I think that is a little to far. My brother has confronted her before with our concerns and she thinks nothing is wrong with her. She wont get help until she decides to and she thinks nothing is wrong. She is steadily getting worse.
I am worried that is this pregnancy isnt going to wk this will put her over the edge. Her other 3 children are beautiful and great kids. I don't think she spends as much effort as them as she does by dwelling on my deceased nephew. I don't know how to say something to her without getting chasticized, etc. I am worried about her.
Re: Sister
Why did you feel the need to post the bolded part? It sounds like your sister has a lot of issues that she hasn't dealt with, including the loss of her baby. I don't know why you are judging her based on how she is (or isn't) handling the loss. Just because you think it's time she got over it and moved on doesn't mean that's the right thing for her to do and quite honestly I think your opinion is a bit insensitive.
A loss of a child is something no parent expects to deal with and everyone deals with loss in their own way. Just because you don't agree with what's happening doesn't make it wrong. I agree it sounds like she needs help, but I don't understand why you are judging her for the things she does to cope (putting up a Christmas tree, talking about him, etc.) with the loss.
Surely you understand that there is no one right way to grieve the loss of a child. You sister has a right to deal, and grieve and cope in her own way, and she should be able to do that without your judgment.
It sounds like your sister needs professional, emotional help and it would be great if you could encourage her and support her to go down that road. However, if you are using the same tone with her that you've used here, I can see why you are not getting a very good response from her.
There is a group called "Compassionate Friends" that is a network of people who are grieving the loss of a child. Maybe you can point her in the direction of the network. They might encourage her to seek the professional help she needs, and in any case they will be people who understand her loss.
From what you posted, your sister sounds unhealthy, but at the same time, everyone has to grieve in their own way. If you think the other kids are being neglected, then why not offer to spend some time with them? Take them out if you are local, or write them cards and emails.
Speaking as someone who too has lost a child, I think you are being incredibly cruel and insensitive. This is not something that you will just get over. It affects you for the rest of your life. You will never be "normal" again but instead you will have a new normal.
Have you ever even been to your nephew's grave after the funeral ? If you did you would notice that what she is doing is very common. At the children's cemetary where my daughter is buried there are always little Christmas trees, wrapped presents, Easter baskets, flags, halloween baskets and blankets. This is how some people grieve the loss of their child and is a lot healthier than bottling up their feelings.
Unless you have dealt with something similar you have no right to judge her behavior and determine if it is right or wrong.
I am not saying that she doesn't have the right to grieve her child. How she will come to terms with it and grieve is her right and whatever way she does is her own personal choice and I will support her in what she does. BUT... she has become very unhealthy in her mental well being. She has EXCUSES for everything she does and blames it on my nephew. I think and others think that she needs to get some counseling and all, but she refuses. We all know that she is mentally not well, hasn't been for years and seems to be getting worse, and she won't listen to any of us or take our advice. I don't want to lose my sister. Our family has a genetic make up of mental disorders and so does her husbands. I want her to get the help that she needs to make herself well.
The children aren't neglected. She doesn't seem to think that she is blessed with her 3 children already. She seems to think that they are not enough for her. She has had to take clomid for every pregnancy and she cant get pregnant without a drug. I just wish she would see that her 3 children are beautiful and great kids and that if those are the only ones that she meant to have then that is it. She doesn't see it that way.
I dont live where they live. But I am sending the kids some nice things for xmas and I think I will include a little note to each of them letting them know how much they mean to me, etc. They are great kids.
We have all voiced our concerns in different ways - kinda, loving, and other ways and she doesn't think that there is anything wrong with her. She has a lot of rage and anger in her and she puts it out on family members, her husband, her kids, etc. I don't know how to help her and don't know what to do anymore.
Thanks for the suggestion. I will mention that to her.
I am not judging her on the behavior of that. There is more to the story but its long and complicated. I am sorry on the lossof your daughter.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Right on! Exactly my point.