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Was I Wrong??? (Long story but I need advice)
Okay this is a long story....
So my husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for a year and a half with a 3yr old son. This past August my BIL comes home from being stationed in Japan. He asks if he can stay with us until he gets on his feet. The first thing he does is purchase a $30,000 car. My hubby and I tried to talk him out of purchasing such an expensive car but he made his decision. When he first started staying with us he agreed to take over two household bills. So in September somone tried to break into my MIL house. She got so scared that she didn't want to stay at her house alone. So she moved in with us also. So for the past few months no one has been cleaning up behind themselves. My husband isn't the cleaning type so he doesn't pick up their slack. Both my hubby and I work over 50hrs a week we both are pursuing our Masters and we also have a 3yr old. I've been picking up and cleaning up after everyone. My MIL comes home from work makes something for herself to eat leaves crumbs all over the counter, puts her dishes in the sink and goes upstairs. Or she will go in her bed until I am finished making dinner and linger in the kitchen until my husband asks her if she wants anything to eat, again putting her dishes in the sink when she's finished. When she does make something to eat she puts my good pots int he fridge. My BIL comes and goes as he pleases. One night he brought a woman (he's known her one whole week) into our home at 12:30am. They were walking up and down the stairs making so much noise. My husband and I couldn't get back to sleep until 4am. The girl left our house at 8am. My husband asked me to let him deal with it and not go down there and kick her out. I respected his decison. So the next day he said he spoke to his brother.
Back to my MIL....one day I'm doing laundry and I see she's put her dirty clothes in our laundry basket. She's in the dinning room eating and she cuts a sandwich and on her way to take the knife to the kitchen she drops food all over the floor. When she puts dishes in the dishwasher she packs in so many dishes you can't turn it on since all of the dishes are piled up on top of each other. This whole time my BIL has not contributed one dime to the household or the bills. I asked my husband if he's going to ask for the money from his brother and he says he doesn't to ask since my BIL doesn't stay there every night. So in trying to find a solution my husband said he would pay all of the utility bills while they are living there. My BIL also picks up his son for the weekend and brings him to our home for my MIL to watch while he runs the streets. This child screams (not cry) SCREAMS at the top of his lungs for hours on end. So every weekend (when my hubby is at work) I find myself getting up early with my son, leaving the house just to get away from them because its become a mad house. If I'm not in my bedroom I'm leaving the house.
This whole time my BIL is trying to close on a condo but the banks are giving him hell. Both my hubby and I have to get involved (we put him in contact with this loan officer) since the bank is requiring so much info. We both are running around to make sure this deal goes through so we can get our house back.
So this past weekend we all are sitting down watching TV and my BIL says, "hey do you guys mind if my lady friend comes over". I immediately start getting pissed because I made it clear to my husband that he is to have NO guests since he's NOT paying any bills. So my husband and I go into our room and it starts an arguement. My husband thinks I have it in for his brother so the arguement escalates. His BIL and MIL hear everything and he tries to say it has nothing to do with them its us. I tell them that's not the truth and I tell tell them everything. Now hubby is mad at me. But our home was out of control. I've held in these feelings for months and when I tried to talk to my hubby about it he tried to downplay what I was saying and tells me to ignore it. Was I wrong???
Re: Was I Wrong??? (Long story but I need advice)
Two words:
DH problem
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Situations like this are what God made divorce and divorce lawyers for.
You are wrong in that you:
1) Didn't sent/enforce boundaries, timelines and rules for your houseguest.
2) You let your DH get away with "not being the cleaning type" (LMAO!!!!!)
And you have a DH problem. Does he want these people to stay in his house forever?
BIL and MIL sound like pains in the ass, but you and your husband are letting them get away with it all. Your husband is not supporting you in the slightest. He either has to disappoint his mom and brother by forcing them to live on their own, or he has to disappoint you by letting them be lazy mooches ... and guess who he's chosen to disappoint. YOU.
Ditto to the "my DH is not the cleaning type" bullshiit. He's as lazy as they are and you're just making excuses for him. He's steamrolling all over you and you're allowing him to do so. He sounds exactly like his mom and brother. I'll bet that he also leaves food and dishes and dirty laundry all over your home, right?
Tell your husband that, if they're not out of the house within a couple weeks, you and your son will be the ones to leave. No discussion, no arguments - that's the ultimatium. Say it to him in a calm manner, and then walk away.
Then make sure you follow through with that promise if he does not kick them out - go to a relative's house, or to an extended-stay hotel if you can afford it. Your husband can either get his mom and brother out of the house ASAP after that, or he can sign the divorce papers. End of story.
You both should've together set up rules and a guideline for his mom & brother before they moved in. And then stuck to them.
After you sit down & talk with your H and there is no improvement within x amount of days I say you take your 3 yr old and leave. Tell your H he needs to choose because you have an H problem. You and your LO or his mom & brother. Your house is crazy and no way should you live like that. I'm sorry your H cares more about keeping his mom & brother happy than you and your LO.
Oh and your H doesn't clean? Good gosh. Did you want to be his mother and clean up after him for the rest of your life?! Seriously. Is there any reason he's a great H/father? Cause he doesn't listen to you, care about your feelings, respect you or clean up his own sh*t.
Answer to the questions:
1. BIL didn't move in with MIL because of the the kids hate that house and that neighborhood.
2. They closed on the condo yesterday so they both should be out by this weekend.
3. DH wants them out too. He just told me a few weeks ago that its time for them to go. But he feels guilty because is mother is alone and all of the other BIL don't want to be bothered with her.
Let me be fair....on the few occasions that I told him what's going on he tells me to bare with him he's trying to do all he can to get the loan moving. But when I complained about this girl coming over AGAIN that's when he told me to ignore her. DH doesn't know all of the things my MIL was doing around the house either.
Another thing I forgot to mention....
He's not the cleaning type in the sense that if I don't say anything it doesn't get done. If I ask him he will do it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Why do you think you could be wrong?
And why do you have to go behind closed doors to say, "No, your lady friend is not welcome. If you want sleepovers with lady friends, get your own place to live, don't use mine."
And what does your MIL say when you say, "Please clean-up your crumbs."?
Frankly, I'd rather go live in your MIL's house and risk a burglar than stay in that nut-house where you KNOW they are stealing your food, hospitality and sanity.
This. Yes, you should have set boundaries before they moved in, but it's not too late to do it now. If MIL and BIL choose not to abide by your rules tell them to move out and give them a firm deadline. If they still won't leave put their stuff outside and change the locks. That, or leave. Your H would probably get tired of them soon if you aren't there to clean up and cater to their whims.
1. BIL didn't move in with MIL because of the the kids hate that house and that neighborhood.
Again, you're making excuses for someone else. If BIL is crashing with you guys and not paying any bills and buying a $30K car, then he has absolutely no right to whine that MIL's house isn't good enough for him. Beggars can't be choosers. You and your H could've easily told him, "You can stay with us for exactly X weeks to get on your feet, but after that find your own place or move in with MIL."
2. They closed on the condo yesterday so they both should be out by this weekend.
O.K., but will that actually happen? Or will they say that they're moving in and then take their sweet time? Or will they make up a monetary excuse and continue to stay with you guys?
The issue here isn't so much when they'll be out of the house. The issue here is that your husband basically brushed off your discomfort in order to keep his mom and brother happy. You are his wife. You should be his number one concern, not them. Again, he knew that he had to disappoint either you or them, and he chose to disappoint you. Because he knew that you would just eventually give in and not doing anything about it (argue with him, issue an ultimatium, leave him and take your son).
3. DH wants them out too. He just told me a few weeks ago that its time for them to go. But he feels guilty because is mother is alone and all of the other BIL don't want to be bothered with her.
He can say whatever he wants. But the key is DOING it. He can tell you that you're the most important person in his life and that you matter most to him ... but if he doesn't ACT on those words (by addressing the problems with MIL and BIL after you've said that it upsets you), then what good are his words? They mean nothing if he can't back them up.
Look - I know what it's like to have a husband who feels guilty about supporting a family member who doesn't really need to be supported. I can absolutely relate with you there.
But he needs to realize that guilt is not the reason why someone should support a family member, or put up with their crap. You are there because your husband willingly decided to start a family with you. Your MIL and BIL are there primarily because they want someone to take care of them. You are there because you love him and want to make him happy and build a life with him. You're there out of love, THEY are there to take advantage of him ... and he chose to accommodate THEM over you? How is that fair?
Let me be fair....on the few occasions that I told him what's going on he tells me to bare with him he's trying to do all he can to get the loan moving. But when I complained about this girl coming over AGAIN that's when he told me to ignore her.
Again ... he blew off your complaints to make someone else happy. And it won't stop once they are out of the house, so either make some changes or get used to playing second fiddle all your life in favor of his brother and mommy.
DH doesn't know all of the things my MIL was doing around the house either.
How is that possible? He didn't see her dirty crap all over the place? Why didn't you just leave everything there instead of cleaning it all up?
I mean, I can understand why you wouldn't want to live in filth ... but if MIL and BIL, AND your husband, saw that you would always be there to clean up after them, then why they heck should they bother doing it themselves? They have it made in the shade with you there to play Cinderella.
And the backpedalling express has pulled into the station
How can your husband not see your MILs mess, is he blind, does he never go in the kitchen, does the sink have a cloaking shield.
Before BIL moved in, you and your husband should have set a definite timeline for him to move out. If he has the money to buy a condo, he has the money to pay rent on an apartment for a few months. When he chose to buy a $30K car, your husband should have told him it was time to leave, since obviously he was "back on his feet".
Why haven't you told your husband about the way his mom is? Her presence is creating a lot of extra work for you and making you miserable. If he isn't home to see her in action, you need to TELL him what this living arrangement is doing to you.
Regarding your husband's guilt: given MIL's tendency to impose herself on others in such an intrusive, needy way without having the decency to clean up after herself, maybe there is a good reason that her other children aren't too interested in helping her out. I understand wanting to help out family members, but it does get to a point at which it's enabling more than helping. And helping should be a two-way street; with MIL and BIL, it's definitely not. Do you think you could rely on them in a pinch? I doubt it. All they do is take take take with no regard for anyone else's feelings or quality of life. This has to stop, and your husband has to be the one to put an end to it. I bet even after they move out, they will still have unreasonable expectations of your husband, both in terms of his time and money.
As far as your husband's "not being the cleaning type" goes, it sounds like you need to have a discussion with him in which you inform him that, from this point on, he will be the cleaning type. Make up a list of chores, decide who will do what, and make a schedule. That way, it's very clear what is expected of everyone and no one needs to be asked to do anything, or bear the heavy burden of noticing when something is dirty and needs to be cleaned.
Overall, I agree with everyone that your husband is your biggest problem here. This is not the last time he will allow his family to take advantage of you (both as individuals and as a couple), or put them before you, or expect you to be the household servant. Please look into counseling so he can figure out how to set and maintain boundaries with his family and start treating you like an equal partner in the marriage.
I think all 3 of them are being inconsiderate towards you.
At the same time, how can you be upset with them if you never set boundaries and never tell them you're annoyed/upset?
If you just told them what you need from them, they might actually listen.
Please either find other arrangements for them, or just talk it out.
This
Your DH is the problem. He is letting his family take advantage of you two and walk all over the both of you and when you try to tell him your feelings he isn't willing to listen and isn't supportive.
Wrap your mind around this: he would rather fight with you, his wife, then confront his mother or brother. He would rather make your life miserable then make his mother & brother fend for themselves.
not the "cleaning type" = lazy
Oh, boo hoo for him! My mom always told me "beggars can't be choosers." You need a place to live, you take what you can get.
And MIL was scared to be home so she moved in with you? Oh for hellz sake. I understand the break in can be a traumatic experience but running from her fears and putting you out is NOT the answer. Not to mention she's a slob who expects you to take care of her and clean up her messes.
Your H should have set both her and brother straight on the disrespect they've been showing to your home a long-azz time ago. MIL needs to suck it up, get over her fear and move back home, and BIL needs to wait until he gets into that condo to bring his skanks over.....or go to their houses instead.
The fact that he "lets" them get away with murder and "lets" you clean up the slack sucks azz - you definitely have an H problem.
Thank you for saying this...I was going to say the same thing, but you beat me to it!
She has a DH problem, but doesnt want to admit it. She has hwe own problems, but wont admit it, shed rather blame BIL and MIL.
I see that bike going backwards from here!
Bad news. Your H is the problem, and he is going to make you live with hell to make his family's life better. Essentially, he is saying you and him don't matter when it comes to his family. He has chose them over you, even if he does it will angst, he still chose them. He is always going to make your quality of life worse to make their life a smidge better.
If you have hope for the relationship, be a b!tch and tell those moochers that the free ride ends this weekend, and that if they have to move back you will have a written contact that they will sign stating cleaning responsibilities, which bills they pay, what rent is and other set rules that YOU make. I would say you and your H but he has the negotiation skills of a toaster.
Then get into couples' therapy. Your H is not listening. He is doing just enough to keep the peace and won't fix a problem until you b!tch up a storm. You will always be the bad guy until he sees your side and what it means not to come to your side and stays there.
Check us out
Unless you're willing to go for the nuclear option -- packing up yourself and your son and moving out -- the odds that your husband will change are very slim.
He's perfected the art of stringing you along with promises and pledges and wheedling. He isn't actually DOING anything effective to change this intolerable situation.
And he doesn't have to. Because he believes you won't leave, or do anything else that would really upset him. He's taking you for granted and refusing to stand up to his brother and mother.
In your shoes, I'd be mad as heck.
Winner!
I'd hate for any of them to be an example to my child. All three of them are a piece of work. I do find it strange you are complaining about them now since they are supposed to be out this weekend. Bet they stay, then what?
Somehow I get the impression the OP has communicated more with us about all the issues and how she feels about them than she has with the people directly responsible for it.