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MIL and my job search...sorry it's long!
I think this is more of a family matter than a career one, and this is my first time posting, so here goes...
I have been out of work since graduating, about a year now. I have been searching for work and constantly applying, checking in with the people who hire, etc and still have only had several interviews. My MIL keeps sending me links to apply for jobs at the hospital that she works at. The job descriptions and requirements are pretty far beyond my experience, but I apply anyways because I kind of feel like she's being a mom, wanting to help me out; but I also know that she is bossy and addicted to being in control, which makes me wonder if she has other motives for sending me jobs at her workplace. My DH has lived with her bossiness his whole life and has adopted an attitude that just lets him shrug off whatever command or snippy comment she tries to give, but I am a very shy person and I care a lot about not hurting others' feelings, so I am painstakingly tactful about everything I say to her (read: doormat, unfortunately.)
Well, MIL got a promotion and around that time I had just taken a test to become a secretary for the city, something that I have wanted since I first applied. The process is drawn out, but I know what to expect, I know that I am qualified, and I know that once my score comes in, I'll be getting interviews. It's just about the waiting now. I explained this to MIL but instead of being happy for me, she instead grilled me about the pay, the benefits, etc. When I told her the starting pay, she scoffed and told me that her starting pay was higher. Then she began to ask me about my qualifications and how I would go about this work scenario and that work scenario, because she could probably get me an interview for her old job. I didn't say yes but I didn't say no either (again with the doormat thing.) Throughout this conversation, DH sat next to me and said not one word, even though he knew how much I want the secretary position I applied for. That night I told that if she asked me again about it, I was going to say no, and he thought that was fine.
I've been getting fed up with all her "suggestions" and remarks about our house, our pets, my lack of a job; and with that last conversation, I definitely had had enough. I decided that I would start putting my foot down more often because DH tries sometimes and she doesn't listen to him, so maybe she will put two and two together better from someone who she hasn't been controlling for years and years.
She called a few days later and said that she could set up an interview for me. I told her that I was going to stick with the secretary position for the city and I thanked her anyways for the opportunity. Before I could say anything else she snipped "bye" and hung up. She's the type of person who, when she doesn't get her way, will storm off, slam doors, etc. But for some reason I didn't expect it over the phone. I was hoping that she would just understand that I wanted the other job more.
I feel conflicted because I stood up for myself finally which is good, but she also hurt my feelings by brushing me off so coldly when I didn't accept and I'm sure that everyone in the family will hear about 'how dumb it was for me to not get an interview' or something along those lines. I have no idea how long her attitude is going to last and Christmas Eve is at her house, Christmas morning is at her parents' house. I have no desire to see these people if I'm going to feel like an outcast because of this whole interview fiasco.
There's a whole lot more about his family that I could write and I know I'm not the only one who experiences this, but it's driving me crazy! So I guess what I'm looking for is any insight you might have, any advice, any different way of looking at things to help me figure this out. Thank you!
Re: MIL and my job search...sorry it's long!
First, you said it yourself - this is how she is. Expect it. You don't have to cater to her attitude... just don't expect her to be sunshine and roses.
When she does rear her ugly head, don't engage. Your DH needs to be on the same page as you. If she starts nitpicking over the holidays, DH should respond with "It's Christmas - let's not talk about this." If she persists, he should add, "Mom, thank you for your concern, but this topic is not up for discussion." And if she still presses still, "Mom, we want to stay and spend Christmas with you, but we will if you continue to press this issue." And he needs to mean it.
Well I for one think there is nothing wrong with at least interviewing at the hospital unless you are certain you don't want that position. I mean you could interview for this secreatary position all you want to, but that doesn't mean you will get it. There is nothing wrong with having a plan b.
However overall I say it is a good thing to stand up to her. She has obviosuly learned that by throwing a fit she gets what she wants, so there is no motivation to stop. LEt her throw a fit, it's not likethe world will stop spinning of she is upset with you. If you see her at Christmastime be polite and civil but certainly don't let her sour attitude ruin a good time.
Honestly, I really can't blame your MIL for being mad. Whatever her motivations behind sending you the job leads, she was trying to get you a job. Which is not an easy thing to do in today's economy. And all of your "I'm a doormat/I didn't say yes but I didn't say no" stuff just lead her on, and put her through a lot of effort just to have you turn around and tell her that you're not interested in the jobs she was trying to set up for you. And you've apparently known for a while that she's bossy, so it's not like this was just sprung on you recently.
You know that you need to stand up to her. So follow through with that. You don't need to reply to her e-mails about job leads. You don't need to be specific when she asks you how the job search is going. You don't need to give her any information that isn't essential to her own life.
If you don't want a job that she's offering you, don't tell her that you'll think about it or that you might be interested. Say a firm NO THANKS from the beginning, or don't reply to her e-mails. (Although I don't think it's wise to turn down a potential job lead when you haven't been working. A job is a job, and you don't need to stay there forever if you don't want to. There's no guarantee that you'll get the secretary job. Even if you do, what if the hospital job turns out to be better?)
You also need to have a chat with your husband, since he's apparently being just as wishy-washy as you are.
So, you turned down an interview for something that MAY happen eventually? you've had no job for over a year and you are bitching about her trying to help you?
She may be bossy, but she has a job and was trying to do the same for you.
Bright, very very bright.
Here's an idea- stop sharing so much information with her! Seiously. The less she knows, the less she can intrude.
However, you need to get your DH to get off his a$$ and BE ON YOUR SIDE. He's not "shrugging it off" - he's LETTING her belittle you right in front of him
HE needs to step up and say "mom- back off". If he won't do this, then you have a DH problem just as much as you have a you problem and an MIL problem.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm with ECB, stop giving this woman so many details about your life. It's totally inappropriate to share information such as starting salary for your job with her. "MIL, that's not your business."
You say you're a doormat and all your examples here indicate you are indeed a doormat. This woman only has as much control/say over your lives as you let her and right now you are giving her WAY too much control.
If your husband's not on board here then I think you absolutely have a DH problem.
The job descriptions and requirements are pretty far beyond my experience, but I apply anyways because I kind of feel like she's being a mom, wanting to help me out.
It's a great idea to apply for any job on an *anyway* status -- you never know. Maybe a department manager will decide you're his or her cup of tea, despite the fact you haven't got any experience.
Well, I'm sure another conversation will make everything better.
I get that beggars can't be choosers when it comes to jobs, especially in this economy, but in light of the information you've provided about your MIL I would assume that she does not have good intentions in "encouraging" you to go for these jobs. Working with a controlling in-law, giving her more opportunities to get information about you and horn in on your life, does not sound like a good idea.
Keeping your personal information to yourself is not impolite. Your MIL will see it as impolite, because she's not reasonable, but her opinion doesn't matter.
There comes a point where bossy and intruding people go too far. We could go round and round all day about whether the interview for her old job should have broken the camel's back, but the fact is - she's been bossy and intrusive and you hit your limit.
Tough on her if she didn't get the satisfaction of your compliance and appreciation.
So, what ARE you going to do if she's cold and mean on Christmas Eve? Cave, cry, apologize, beg for forgiveness? Hold your ground and sqare your shoulders and breeze out of there? You're choice.
Don't let it be your MIL's choice.
The only person whose behavior you can control is yours.
Keep standing your ground about your boundaries. You don't have to be ugly about it, but you can be firm. When she brings up something that you don't want to discuss with her, you are well within your rights and NOT rude at all to say "I'm not comfortable discussing this" or "I appreciate your offer, but no thank you" or "I don't want to share that information." Smile and change the subject.
She will likely push back hard for a while, but if you make it clear to her that you aren't going to kowtow to her steamroller ways, she'll give up eventually!
This whole thing. Exactly.
You've been out of work for a year; you've been willing (at least to her eyes) to discuss at length your job search plans, the pay, benefits etc on various things; and she got you an interview for a great job and you turned it down.
Well, that seems both inconsistent and foolish to me. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face, as they say. This is a job, with benefits. Right? You'll be better off looking for a job when you're employed; it's really hard to get a job when you don't have one and you don't have any experience AND you're unemployed for over a year. And the other job isn't even a for sure that you'll get an interview.
Plus, interviewing is good practice. You say you've only had a few interviews; so you're clearly not well versed in the process itself. Why not have an interview?
If you don't want your MIL in your business, shut up talking about it. You didn't do that, so you made it clear it WAS open for discussion and input. Then you pissed in her cornflakes when she got you an INTERVIEW. For a JOB.
I'm thinking you're not thinking clearly.