My blood is just boiling right now!!!

tshott · December 2010

My cousin had the audacity to post this article on FB:

http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/23/tips-for-facing-infertility-during-the-holidays/?a_dgi=aolshare_facebook

Not too bad, except that he had to add "This couple obviously has never heard of adoption".

A discussion ensued because it really pisssed me off. I'm about to go BSC on him because he doesn't understand what he did wrong, even after I pointed it out to him. I seriously want to claw his eyeballs out right now.

Mouth*ofthe*South · December 2010

Yeah his comment was truly inconsiderate. I don't blame people for having no clue what it's like not to be able get pregnant - I wouldnt wish that on anyone. Until I had trouble getting pregnant, I would never have known how sad and frustrating it feels to have no control over your body. To feel broken. I wish that people would just try to be kinder and more compassionate for how their actions and words could make others feel.

Pookums · December 2010

Wow somewhat classless.

Does he know about what you guys have been through (even a teeny bit) I would think even knowing just one couple having some difficulties would be enough for someone to second guess making a comment like that.

moviesprincess · December 2010

That is awful!!! I can not believe how insensitive people can be sometimes.

We have some family friends who struggled for years to get pregnant. They are really strange and my dad is not the biggest fans of them. One time he said,"maybe that is just God's way of telling them they are not supposed to have kids." I even thought then, what if I have problems. My dad would hate to think that way about his own daughter.

tshott · December 2010

Yes, everybody knows the trouble that we're having. I haven't kept any of it secret. Did anybody go read the conversation on FB? I really, really like my cousin. He's one of my favorites. But he really lost a lot of points over this.

Mitzzi23 · December 2010

I'm sorry. Some people just don't think.

moviesprincess · December 2010

tshott:
Yes, everybody knows the trouble that we're having. I haven't kept any of it secret. Did anybody go read the conversation on FB? I really, really like my cousin. He's one of my favorites. But he really lost a lot of points over this.

I would read it but I can not find it.

FutureMrsNAH · December 2010

I went to FB but I don't think I can see where you had the discussion. Either way, it was definitely inconsiderate and pretty dense on his part to think it's not a sensitive subject and okay to comment on.

tshott · December 2010

moviesprincess:

tshott:
Yes, everybody knows the trouble that we're having. I haven't kept any of it secret. Did anybody go read the conversation on FB? I really, really like my cousin. He's one of my favorites. But he really lost a lot of points over this.

I would read it but I can not find it.

If you click on my page, at the very top it says that I commented on a link. That's the one. He's got a common name.

moviesprincess · December 2010

It is not showing up for me. The top thing is your status about lenses.

tshott · December 2010

Me: Anybody who has never struggled with infertility is always quick to jump on the adoption bandwagon. And let me just say, from someone who is struggling with infertility, that that is one of the most insensitive comments that a person can m...ake. It's ignorant. And I can promise you that you'd be hardpressed to find an infertile who wouldn't agree with me. You really should consider taking this down because it's extremely hurtful to those of us that do struggle. I pray everyday that nobody else close to me has to suffer through what I'm going through. Women were created to bear children and when we can't do the thing that we were created to do, it makes us feel broken and worthless.

Cousin: After six years though? I'm not trying to be insensitive, there are children in this country and the world who are looking for loving families as well.

Me: Trust me, us women will fight a lifetime to be able to have a child that we can birth naturally. Women crave being pregnant and want to experience everything that come with a pregnancy when having a child. An infertile will turn to adoption if that becomes the only option, but it'll only be after a long, hard fight. And we never, ever want it suggested to us before we're ready.

Cousin: Well after six years they should consider because they prolly have better odds of winning the powerball, especially since they said 30 something in the article which means late 30's I'm sure.

Me: Totally understandable. But my point is that it should not be suggested to us by somebody who has no clue about the struggle. If my doctor were to tell me that it should be considered as the next step, I would totally respect that. But f...or a stranger, or someone who doesn't get the struggle, I would want to throat punch them. You (in a general term) can't understand an infertility struggle until you walk the path. Just like I could never understand a person who struggles with cancer. Should I just look at that cancer patient and say "Well, everybody dies anyways. Your process is just being sped up". No, because that's insensitive. That person wants to live as long as they can and will fight to the death to do it. An infertile wants to bear children and will fight to the very, very end to do so.

Cousin: Sorry for being a realist and not living in a fairy tale world. People aren't dying from this, that just sounds bad to compare this to a cancer. I don't think you are going to be "throat punching" anyone either. I would think after a couple of years, if you want children that badly, you will adopt. This article and the related articles are some of the reasons why I would adopt, especially babies from foreign countries if I couldn't have them on my own. http://www.economist.com/node/15606229

Me: (I just want to point out that I'm not trying to fight in any way about this. Drew thinks I'm trying to start a fight, and I'm just trying to educate.)
I agree, in a few years if we're still struggling with infertility, we may choose to go... down the adoption road. But as an infertile, we do NOT want that suggested to us before we're ready to accept it. I think that comparing this to a cancer patient is a good comparison. My dreams of having children, of being a mother, could die in a few years. Just as someone's dreams of living could die in a few years. Should we tell that person that they shouldn't pay for chemo when it's not guaranteed to rid their body of cancer? Yes, I could be a mother through adoption, but it's different. And there are a lot of painful aspects of adoption that people don't understand. Adoption is a long, expensive process. And you're not even guaranteed a child once you've been matched with a couple. And then, you have the responsibility of telling that child at some point down the road that you aren't their birth parents.
The point that I'm trying to drive home is that infertility is such a taboo subject in our society today, and this is exactly why. Because ignorant people (general term) think that it is perfectly ok to suggest options to us when they have no idea what we struggle with on a daily basis. You can never know what is involved in a struggle until you walk that path yourself.

Cousin: Your husband is correct, as usual. Saying general term doesn't hide the fact you are trying to say it directly to me. Repeating over and over what you said in your first post isn't going to change my opinion any.

I couldn't even respond after that because I was at the point where I was no longer going to be nice in my responses. And I can guarantee you that if I had responded, there would have been some choice name calling on my end.

FutureMrsNAH · December 2010

Um. Now I'm irrationally very angry (I say irrationality because I don't know him and am not infertile and I'm so mad). I hold a grudge (not proud of that) and I'm pretty sure I'd defriend and not talk to him again. I could list all the points that make me mad but I'm on my phone. He's just a freaking peach. He has the right to his opinion but once he knew he hurt you he should have said he needed to respectfully disagree or say he just didn't understand and bow out (especially as family). I'd be really hurt if this were my cousin.

oreille · December 2010

I'm not condoning what he said (because it was very insensitive).

But I think you also need to be careful what you say on facebook. Some of your comments could be seen as insensitive to people who choose to adopt. An adopted baby is just as loved as one whose mother gave birth to it. Not every infertile couple chooses infertility treatments--some do choose adoption. You're projecting a negative attitude toward adoptive families, even though I doubt that's how you actually feel. Both processes are extremely difficult, but can be equally rewarding.

(He was so hurtful, I'm hoping you didn't hurt another family with your responses)

Pookums · December 2010

I'm sorry but your cousin is a complete A$$hole.

I feel just like Summer, I am so angry right now I had stop myself from going to your page and making a comment knowing full well in the end he may not see it or it would not make any sense, and you may not want me to do that anyway.

Angry

melanief07 · December 2010

OMG Angry

I'm vibrating I'm so mad right now. Who the hell is he to decide what's right for a couple facing infertility?

FutureMrsNAH · December 2010

Amanda makes a valid point. However, my problem with this situation is that he clearly has not experienced it just as Tania has not experienced choosing and going through the adoption process. And knowing the little bit about Tania that I do, I think if someone posted, "excuse me, I've adopted my son/was adopted and your comments offend me" I think she'd say "oh my gosh, I'm sorry - you're right I have no experience with that and shouldn't have spoken about it as though I do, I didn't mean to offend". He, however, continued to push it as though he still knew/could say what other people should do.?

Pookums · December 2010

I love how he doesn't seem to realize that adoption can be as painful and much more costly than fertility treatments. I know a couple who lost 4 babies, 3 of which once they had them for a few weeks (birth mothers changed their minds). They eventually adopted from overseas and accrued a TON of debt, it is not the smooth process you would hope to help all those babies there can be a LOT of palms to grease on your way.

LORENZOSAUNT · December 2010

I for 1 understand BOTH sides of this disagreement. Tania I see how you can be offended by your insensitive cousins remarks. He clearly has no idea what you are going through and what he said is ignorant and he is an idiot. But on the other side of the fence I am a little hurt by your comments as well... I am a mother and because of reasons that I can not control I am not able to have any other children. Jack will NEVER have a biological brother or sister and of course that tears me up, and makes me feel like a failure.. My body also has failed me, but I have chosen to look into another option and possibly adopt a child to complete our family. Does that make me wrong or make my potential adopted child any less loved? Adoption isn't the same as dying of cancer at all....

Yes adoption can be a long process and become expensive, but so is fertility treatments and yes you may not be guaranteed a child after all is said and done, but you are also not guaranteed a child with fertility treatments. You are making adoption seem like it is the "boobie" prize when really the end result of either situation is getting a child to love, nurture and raise into a adult that isn't an ignorant dork like your cousin..

tshott · December 2010

Pookums:

I love how he doesn't seem to realize that adoption can be as painful and much more costly than fertility treatments. I know a couple who lost 4 babies, 3 of which once they had them for a few weeks (birth mothers changed their minds). They eventually adopted from overseas and accrued a TON of debt, it is not the smooth process you would hope to help all those babies there can be a LOT of palms to grease on your way.

THIS!!!! This is exactly what I was trying to point out!

People who have never been affected with infertility are always quick to jump on the adoption bandwagon thinking that is the "easy fix". Adoption is not an easy process in the least, and a lot of people don't understand that. And I think that they don't understand that because they see celebrities adopting children like it's nothing.

I am, in no way, against adoption at all. And I don't judge anybody for adoption. I can promise you that if IUIs and IVF don't work for us, we will most definitely be pursuing adoption. But damnit, don't you dare suggest it to me before I'm ready to start considering it. It's not the "easy fix" to the infertility problem. And especially don't suggest it to me when you've never experienced infertility. That's what got my blood boiling.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my discussion with him. I hope that you can see that I'm not angry over the suggestion of adoption, I'm angry that that is the first thing that people jump to when you can't have children easily.

My blood is just boiling right now!!!

Re: My blood is just boiling right now!!!

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