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Rude MIL -- this is long sorry
OK I am in need of some advice!!!
I LOVE my husband BUT my MIL is a different story!!! When we were engaged she really didnt have too much to do with me or my 9 yr old son BUT I thought that once married she would change and at least be friendly................. Well Wedding day should have shown me she would not change. The night of my rehersal she and my hubby got into an arguement at the CC in front of everyone!! SOOO I got everyone to stop and finish dinner and when it was over and I went to hug her she just walked off.... hurt my feelings and started a HUGE fight ...... Well wedding day I was determined that she would not be a problem in my marriage. She didnt speak to anyone in my family or wedding party, didn't speak to her step son ( my husband) or me. Then she left like 30 minutes into the reception!!! I couldnt believe it... Well that should have been a sign it wouldn't get better. She came over for Thanksgiving and didn't speak to me or my son and left without saying goodbye AGAIN!! I asked my husband to talk to his dad and he did and asked him to talk to her and told his dad that if my MIL could not come to our home and play nice ..... Not to come back. Well that Saturday Nov 27th I had a surprise party for my husband and they came and AGAIN she didnt speak to me or my son. She did however talk to our dogs.... See where I rank. So my husband and I got into a HUGE fight cause again my feelings were hurt. He called his dad Sunday and told him that she ( my MIL) is not welcome at our house. Is this right?? I just cannot believe that an adult can act like this. I dont care how she treats me but to not speak to a 9 year old???? HELP please
Re: Rude MIL -- this is long sorry
Honey this is out of your hands now. It is good that your H is standing by you, though. BUT.... now it is time to follow through. Don't have her over anymore. Don't invite her to events.... you and your H need to follow through on the not having her in your home that treat people like that.
And people don't change. I'm surprised she acted like this after you were married given her behavior. Obviously, she is a miserable person so let her be miserable by herself. Push it out of your mind.... and don't invite her to do anything.
Following through and you and your H staying on the same page with MIL is the thing to keep to now.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Read carefully. She isn't blaming you for her actions, she's saying that you're getting hurt over and over again because you continue to let this woman into your home where you know she'll treat you like this.
well, i have changed my response to this drama queen response several times, but in the end i decided not to waste my time trying to show you the obvious. I know you still wouldnt get it especially since i went back and read some of your other posts.
Nobody is blaming you for your MIL's biitchy behavior. However, you do sound a bit beebee-ish with all your, "I thought it would change," and "She was rude, but when we saw her three days later I thought it would be better and she was rude again!"
Listen, your MIL is going to treat you exactly as you allow her to treat you. You don't want to be treated like shiit, so you don't let her into your home. Your H has done the right thing here.
Now what YOU need to do is stand firm. Leave her out of your life. No calls, no emails, no breaking down and letting her come back in 2 weeks because you think it will change. It will not change until she realizes that you and your H demand better treatment. Forbidding her from coming to your house is only step one.
This isn't going to be easy, but yes, your H is doing the right thing is supporting you. Now you BOTH need to follow through on this.
You need to get over the "but she is family, so I need to invite her over." No, you don't. Being "family" doesn't give someone the right to treat you (and your child!) like garbage and expect to be invited back into your home.
Your MIL is treating you badly b/c she has multiple opportunities to treat you badly. She will NEVER change, because there is never any consequences to her behavior. She treats you and your child like dirt, and you invite her back! ("because, after all, it is Thanksgiving!" "because, after all, it's DH's birthday, and she's his STEPMOM!). Stop being a pushover, and you will see different results. It might get ugly, but you have to make a decision - - do you want to be treated like garbage as long as stepMIL lives, as long as there are no arguments, or are you willing to rock the boat and tell her you will only have a relationship with you if she treats you and your son with courtesy and respect?
You need to ask yourself which family is more of a priority to you - the one that includes your son, or the wife of your H's father. Because your 9 year old is old enough to realize that he's not being treated well IN HIS OWN HOME, and that is mom has allowed that.
It is great that your H is on board with setting boundries with his stepmom, but even if he didn't, because you have a child that is not your DHs, I would put my foot down and tell my H "your stepmom is not allowed into my home around me and my son if she is going to act like that, and if you don't like it, you can move back in with her and her." Seriously, your son deserves better than the treatment he is getting.
Wow. Usually we read "My H was a mean stupid jerk to me the entire time we were dating and engaged, and now that we're married he's STILL a mean stupid jerk to me! I thought he'd change after we got married!"
Wedding rings change nothing, not even MILs.
This. You say "I should've known she wouldn't change when enter ruined event or holiday here" over and over. Now it's time to conclude from it all that she will not change and let her be an a-hole to someone else. No longer invite her or engage her.
Didn't really work out for you, did it?
So, she made an appearance at the Holiday and surprise party. So, what? She's cold and bitter and his step-mom. Just because you're this big "family person" doesn't mean you have to pay her any notice. So, she showed her face and left in under an hour. So, what? Why get so bothered by her behavior? It's just making you miserable and causing fights in your marriage.
I can't imagine that you wouldn't be happier if you let her breeze in and out and didn't pay her any attention.
How am I putting myself into a position?? This was my husbands family and if I didnt invite them it would have caused more problems but when my husband seen it was a problem he handled it and now she is not welcome in our home. Which I hate because again that is his step mom and I am a BIG family person. But thanks to you as well for making me feel like I deserve being treated like that......
You've put yourself in this position because you continue to expect different behavior from your MIL, even though nothing you have experienced has ever led you to believe that it would be any different than before you were married. Your marriage does not, and will not, alter the way this woman treats you. It's unfortunate, but it's reality.
So how do you stop the cycle? Do exactly what you've threatened to do. Don't invite her over anymore. Don't give her the opportunity to hurt your feelings. Or, change your expectations. If the worst she's doing is ignoring you completely, don't expect any different behavior from her and it won't hurt your feelings when she ignores you.
I think it's sad that she can't be the bigger person with a 9 year old, but really, it's her stepson's stepson. That's kind of a larger degree of separation. I doubt they'll ever have the warm and fuzzy grandparent relationship you're hoping for, especially since she doesn't seem to have that fuzzy a relationship with her stepson.