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Molestation and graduation
So, I hate to post this up here but I am scared to ask my own mother about this one and I am scared to see DH reaction to the person face-to-face.
When I was seven, I was sexually molested by my 14 year old cousin. For about eight years I thought I was not a virgin until I went to a doctor for my first pelvic examination. He has been gone most of my life after that and I told my mother about what happened when I was about 13. I lived my life as if it never happened. . .
Fast forward to 2010. I head to a double baby shower that my cousins are having. I see "that" cousin there. (the double pregnant women are his little sisters) He kept talking to me and something inside of me was truly nervous and scared but I had other cousins around me so I was okay. Well, he kept talking to me and next thing I knew all the cousins were gone. . . it was just him speaking to me. I inched to my car and he followed telling me about his life, how he wants to meet MH and how he is so excited for me. He got my phone number since I was giving it to another cousin. Nervous and scared I jumped in my car and told MH that he should have went with me to the baby shower. I figured I was safe when I was at home since I live in Chicago and my fam is in Milwaukee.
Now, I am two weeks away from graduating from Med school and he calls every month. I do not answer the phone but only listen to his messages about how he plans on attending my graduation but right now he is on "the bracelet". Every time I try to answer the phone and tell him not to come, I get terrified once again.
What should I do?
P.S.- he was gone for a long time because he raped his son's mother.
Re: Molestation and graduation
Have you been to counseling for this? If not, I seriously suggest that you go.
You're not under any obligation to have him in your life. Block his number. Do whatever you have to do to make yourself feel safe.
I have never been to counseling for this although I know I should but something about the family that suggests that counseling is not the best way out is totally enforced.
Another fear is that it may cause tension between my mother and her sister. My aunt has 11 children and one with whom I am very close to.
First. sorry you are dealing w/ this. How horrible.
past that, normally, graduations have a limited # of tickets. Does yours? Even if it doesn't, lie and say it does. Tell your DH that you don't like this cousin and that you need to ask him to do you a favor and please contact this guy and tell him "thanks for your excitement, but we are limited to who can come and there isn't room for him.".
Then get yourself to counseling, figure this out for yourself.
(I'm not saying to lie to your DH, but I think yo uneed to give yourself the time and space to figure this out and figure out HOW to tell your DH)
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with the previous person. Block his number or change it all together. Counseling seems to be a must. Talk to your husband if you didn't already tell him and I'm sure he will also do anything he can to make you feel safer.
I have not been counseled for this. MH knows about him being at the baby shower and him talking to me.
Counseling is something that needs to be addressed because this is one of the reasons why I will not give MH a child.
Thanks for all your advice! We will see what happens in the months to follow.
I am sorry you had to go through that and you have to go through this now.
I agree with blocking him, the counsel and the limited seats. I think that you should use any excuse necessary to keep him away during your graduation. If the limit doesn't lose him, I also suggest that you have a male friend or your H be there to firmly but politely escort him off campus if he does show. If your H comfortable with lying to your family, he can say he doesn't want cousin to attend because it makes your H uncomfortable, and throw in one of those "H has a good gut/is very stubborn about it" reasoning.
Also, you say he wears a bracelet and he was in jail for rape. Does that mean that he is a recent parolee and a registered sex offender? If so, you can use that to your advantage. You can say you don't want him to come because it would be a violation of his parole because of where the graduation is, and stick to it even when they say he has clearance, that you won't believe it until you hear it from his parole officer. People sometimes bring children to college graduations. Is he allowed to be around children? Most RSO's of any kind aren't, that is another reason for him not to attend.
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I am very sorry you are dealing with this.
First, I want to say that you have every right to stand up for yourself regarding his attendance at your graduation (congrats!) or any other contact with you at all, for that matter. As a child you were not able to defend yourself, but you have the right and responsibility to yourself now as an adult to do what is right for you.
My uncle molested my 4 brothers and me. When my parents and grandparents found out, they dealt with it by sweeping it under the rug. He was not supposed to be allowed to be around us anymore, but he would occasionally randomly show up at times and we would all bite our tongues and pretend everything was normal to preserve the peace in the family. When I was about 21, he showed up for Christmas which is a big celebration with extended family. I told my mother that I would not attend with him there, but she begged me to go so that my grandmother wouldn't be upset, and I relented. For months and years after that, I was so angry with myself, my mother, and my grandmother. I had not stood up for myself when I had the opportunity.
Fast forward a few years later to my grandmother's funeral which my pedophile uncle attended. He is from out of town and due to some odd circumstances, my mother was going to allow him to stay at her house. All of her children (my brothers and I) and grandchildren were going to be staying there as well. With the help of support from my SIL, I finally had the courage to stand up and say that I was not going to "get along" or be a "good little girl" anymore. I told my mother that I was going to get a hotel room, I was absolutely not going to spend the night in the same house with that man. I also told her that my SIL and I were going to take all the children with us to the hotel. My mother cried and asked me not to make a scene. Please understand that I know she was already emotionally fragile from losing her mother and the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her, but I could not allow myself to be abused in that way again. In the end, my mother drove my uncle to the hotel instead and her children and grandchildren spent the night in her home. She got over the "scene" quickly enough and I was empowered to do a ton of healing.
Speaking from experience, your med school graduation will be one of the best days of your life. Don't allow your cousin to mar that in any way. You need to think about yourself first and what is best for your mental and emotional health.
Congratulations and good luck.
He's a convicted rapist; and he's victimizing you again, by shoving himself into your life when he knows you do not want him there. He's intruding himself into a day when you should be happy and proud, so that you feel little and helpless again.
Get counselling. Block his number. Change your number to an unlisted one. Your counselling should help you learn coping mechanisms that keep you from becoming paralyzed when he attempts to victimize you again. Please don't hesitate; please get some help. From one survivor to another, take it from me: you can feel better about this, you can gain strength, you can take action to help yourself now; you are no longer a helpless child. Please please please seek help.
this.
I would also personally want to tell your cousin you do NOT want him to contact you and you dont want him in your life. You might not be there yet, but you cant continue to let yourself be victimized any longer. Take back the control in your life and never let him have it again.
Its not like he forgot what he did and is trying to have a "normal" relationship with you. He knows. He may be trying to regain control over you again, or pretend like it never happened and try to get back in your life to make it seem like its all ok now, or whatever. Regardless, not your problem.
I changed my name
I am also wondering if contacting you / harassing you would be a violation of his parole? I would try calling a hotline for abuse victims (maybe even a rape hotline) and see if they can advise you of your rights.
In the meantime, don't even speak to him. Not even to say "please leave me alone."
I agree- block his number, change or unlist your number if you need to. Someone- I do not think it needs to be you, but someone you trust to deliver the message and ensure it is enforced (like your husband) should make sure he does not attend your graduation. And do go to counseling- it will help. Don't be afraid to "shop around" for counselors if you don't feel comfortable talking to the first one you go to, either- not everyone clicks with every counselor or every counseling approach, but there are resources out there that will help you, and you deserve to have those resources.
Also, re: worrying about it causing a rift or problems in your family. This is an important distinction, and it's one you should have, always, in the forefront of your mind and should feel free to tell anyone who needs to hear it, should a rift actually occur: There isn't a rift or problems in your family because you're protecting yourself. There is a rift or problems in your family because he is a sexual predator. If the only way to keep the peace in your family is by sacrificing your peace of mind, then there is no peace in your family- only the illusion of it. Your safety is worth more than an illusion.
I just wanted to highlight this train of thought. If there's a rift in your family, he's the one that caused it. NOT YOU. He did something heinous. He is trying to invade your life. You haven't done anything wrong.
How your mother and aunt deal with this is up to them, but that weight shouldn't be on your shoulders.
"I do not want you contact me in any way. If you continue to bother me, I will file a restraining order against you"
And if he does, follow through. End of story. You do not and should not have to put up with him in your life. He is harassing you and it needs to stop. Now.
Wow...if it were me, I would say your safety is of most importance. One could argue he was young before and has learned, but if he's raped in his adult life where he absolutely, no questions asked, knows right from wrong, you and every female needs to get the heck away from him. You should be scared to be around him alone.
You should not be worried about causing issues with your mom or aunt. Shame on them if they make you feel that way. Tell him to quit calling you, he is not welcome at your graduation, and to never call or talk to you again. Period. He doesn't listen? Change your number, file a restraining order, whatever. As someone else mentioned, if he is a convicted rapist, there should be some strings tied that could work in your favor.
Block his number. And please get counseling. I am really sorry you have to deal with this. You are strong person, but even strong people need help sometimes. Please seek counseling.
Oh, and if you can, pick up when he calls, and before he says anything. Scream/say "DON'T EVER CALL ME AGAIN, or I WILL CONTACT THE POLICE."
Hugs, and good luck.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
As someone who has worked with sex abuse victims in the past it sounds like you are still a victim and have not yet moved to being a survivor. That's ok. It's very hard to do. And not everyone makes it.
Everyone else has said it and I will say it again: Get into some type of therapy. Now. Find a way to tell your husband what happened (therapy can help you do this). As for the phone calls for now I would block them or change your number. Then as you progress in therapy you can work on exactly how or if you will confront him. Since he is a convicted rapist I don't think your family will be too shocked to find out what he did to you. And no matter what happens remember you are not the one hurting them. He hurt the entire family the day he put his hands on you.
I think joining a survivors group could be very good for you.
Good Luck.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, past and present!
You have had many great ideas posted. Please read, and re-read these and take action. Please go to counseling because you suffered a very dramatic experience. And, if I read this correctly, you won't have a child with your husband because of this? I understand you are definitely traumatized, but please do not make a decision like this until you go through professional counseling. Maybe it would be best to go to counseling and ask how to tell your husband. I pray you will have resolve in this matter.
My MIL married a jerk who hit on her at my FIL's funeral (he died unexpectedly of a heart attack at age 42.) They all graduated from the same high school, small town of 3000. He was accused of molesting his third wife's two daughters (who were like 8 and 10.) Unfortunately, some evidence was lost and case thrown out. Before we had kids we decided the kids would not be allowed to stay with them for any reason-we could not take a chance something could happen. The guy had already proven he was not stable, since this was his fourth marriage.
They divorced 8 years later when MIL decided she would no longer pick him over a normal relationship with her kids and grandkids. She had sold her own business and bought secen rental houses and gave him two houses as part of the divorce to get rid of him. Last I heard, he was on wife #6. It may be a situation where there were many victims from your cousin and it is on of those "unspoken secrets." I hope you this all works out for you.
I'm so sorry to hear about this. I agree that you should block his number (or change yours) and avoid all contact with him.
ITA with getting counseling as well. It will help you deal with the situation and lift this weight from your shoulders; especially since it's the main reason for you not wanting to have children. I think having your H's support through this will help your healing process when you are ready to tell him. Good luck!
STOP thinking of him as your cousin. Think of him as exactly what he is - a large, dangerous animal that is capable of inflicting great harm on you and others. Then treat him the way you would treat a stranger who was stalking you. Doing any less is setting you and your family up for heartbreak and possibly much, much worse.
Sorry, but when sexual predators fixate on someone, the fixation usually never goes away. The only good ending to this story is permanent separation from this man, and those he stays connected with. That may mean having to give up on your pregnant cousins, and / or that entire branch of the family if they continue to enable him.