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My mother-in-law is a hoarder...help!
I was recently married, and my husband's mother is a hoarder, and has been for at least 10 years. Her husband died about 3 years ago, which only increased her issues (understandably). My problem is that she regularly invites us to come stay with her for holidays and such, but we really can't stand being in her house. It is full to the brim with boxes, clutter, 7 cats, no visible surfaces....let your imagination wander. It is unbearable. Not to mention, there isn't a place for us to sleep when we go there, because every bedroom is filled with stuff (literally piled to the ceiling on the beds and floors), and the only bed that is accessible is my husband's old childhood bed (that she sleeps in). We always ask her to stay with us for holidays, etc., but she's also extremely stubborn and insists we come to her, so much that eventually we have to flat-out say no and hurt her feelings. I hate knowing I'm hurting her, but she won't listen to us about anything. I understand it's a sickness and that she needs help, but it would destroy her, and potentially our relationship, if we force her to see a therapist. We can't stay with her, can hardly visit her, but she's all alone now and doesn't want to come to us. Please help!
Re: My mother-in-law is a hoarder...help!
Has your husband explained to his mother why he isn't comfortable being in her house? I would say no also, but if it were my mother I would tell her why I'm not comfortable being there. I know it won't be enough to motivate her to clean up, or deal with her issues, but at least the issue is out in the open.
The only compromise would be to stay in a nearby hotel and take her out someplace and visit?
Hurting her feelings? You are not on a grade school playground teasing someone about a disability. You are facing a reality with compassion and honesty.
You are saying that because she chooses to not seek help to manage her condition and she chooses not to address the underlying reasons that cause this behavior that her home has become unmangeable and unreasonable for visits. That if/when she seeks treatment and overcomes her dyfunctional behaviors/living condition you will resume holiday visits.
You can't force her to go to a therapist. Of course, not. But you can make the resources available and support her in her decision to accept help and step back and let her manage her condition. You can also maintain a relationship and support her through her denial. But it doesn't mean you have to visit her or feel badly about "hurting feelings". That's just an excuse for you to not face reality either. Sweetie, your MIL has a full-blown mental health problem which has made holiday visits impossible. Stop pretending otherwise.
I understand it's a sickness and that she needs help, but it would destroy her, and potentially our relationship, if we force her to see a therapist. We can't stay with her, can hardly visit her, but she's all alone now and doesn't want to come to us.
You're either going to "hurt" her by insisting that she see a therapist, or "hurt" her by not going to her home to visit her.
Sooo, you may as well "hurt" her in a way that shows that you care and that you want her to get some help. Ignoring the problem just for the sake of sparing her feelings is not going to do her any favors.
Perhaps you and your husband should see a counselor yourselves first, to figure out the best way to deal with this situation. And THEN come up with a plan of how to approach MIL about it.
You need to stop taking responsibility for her choices. If she is all alone, that is because SHE refuses to come and see you (it could be that on top of being a hoarder, she is agoraphobic, so that by refusing to see you "because you don't visit her," she is actually allowing her own fear of going out take over). SHE is the one who doesn't clean her home, SHE is the one who is choosing not to visit you, she is the one choosing her "things," over a relationship with her son and DIL.
Your dh needs to handle this, because confronting MILs mentail illness could be ugly and you don't need to be in the middle of this. Your DH needs to say to his mother "mom, we love you, but we can't stay in your home. We don't even enjoy visiting, because it is so messy / dirty / disgusting. We'd love to see you, but it will have to be somewhere that we take you outside of your home, or having you come to our home."
Your H needs to be honest with her, b/c that is the only way that she will be unable to "hide" her mental illness from herself. I think telling her WHY you are not visiting is better than visiting and passive-aggressively saying "wow, it stinks in here," "wow mom, this place is so messy and disgusting."
She is mentally ill, but you will be unable to change her until she admits she has a problem and seeks help. Even on the show "hoarders," they can clean a hoarder's home, but until they admit they have a problem, they just turn around and collect more stuff. At the same time, you might not be able to change her, but you don't have to subject yourself to the unsanitary conditions of her home.
It is also a fire hazard.
Hording is a sign of unresolved issues, they say.
She needs some sort of intervention. The junk and other miscellany will only keep piling up.
Like PPs have said, you can't force her to see a therapist. You don't have control over that. What you DO have control over is whether or not you vist her.
I agree with the folks who say that it should really be your DH (since it is, after all, his mum) to tell her exactly why you cannot stay with her during the holidays. Be sure to point out that it's not because you don't love HER, it's because her house isn't a place that you feel comfortable (and really isn' even a place that has room for you). You always have the option of staying in a hotel and spending time with her outside her house.
If it's important enough for her to see you, she will likely compromise on either spending time with you outside the house or coming to your house. Don't expect that she's going to clean up, because without therapy, this problem won't ever go away.
And if spending time with you is not important enough to her to make those compromises, then let her stay at home alone with all her crap to keep her company.
I don't know about this. Where I live, the animal shelters are so overcrowded, the cats would not be in a better situation being taken out of the home. Also, just because she has seven does not necessarily mean that they are not being taken care of (although since she is a hoarder, that might be the case).